Dating Articles

Article / Updated 09-02-2021

Love. Amour. Amore. In popular fiction, the signs of true love tend toward the melodramatic: heart palpitations, loss of sleep, loss of appetite, blowing curtains, fireworks. If you feel these things, however, you're not so much in love as in lust. So lust aside, here's a sampling of the undeniable signs of true love — and good (emotional) health. You're willing to explain why you don't want to date others The issue isn't a willingness to be exclusive. It's a willingness to talk about and explain being exclusive. A surprisingly large number of people are surreptitiously monogamous, feeling that their willingness to forgo all others gives power to the partner. But when you're willing to admit that you're willing to share the power and admit your vulnerability (I really like you and hope you like me as much), not only are you in love, but you sound like a rational, fairly adult soul in the bargain. You're willing to ditch the dating app When you're ready to delete your Match.com profile or the dating app from your phone, you're essentially saying that no one else could hold a candle to your beloved. Getting rid of your online dating profile also says that you're unwilling to revisit past loves and that, in this relationship, there is no going back; you can only go forward. No fair deleting the dating profile but keeping people's contact information on your trusty laptop. A commitment is a commitment, and this is as much about self as other. If you pretend to forget the others but keep their names, then you're also pretending that you're committed. Grow up: If you're old enough to be taken seriously by someone you like, you're old enough to take yourself seriously. Committed adult relationships don't have room for manipulative games. You're willing to go somewhere you hate The willingness to go someplace you actually hate with someone you actually love — and not be a pain in the neck about it — is one of the hallmarks of love. When you first start to date, you're tempted to do whatever it takes to get the date off the ground because you're blinded by the possibilities. During the next phase of dating, you stand up for yourself and don't do the activity you hate. This is a necessary evolution because if there is to be true love, it has to be based on who you are, not who you think your beginning-to-be significant other will like. But once you actually get to love, your need to constantly assert yourself is softened by your beloved's influence and the sense that you can give because your love will reciprocate your generosity. You don't need to keep track on a day-to-day basis to make sure everything is 50-50. But the sense that there is fairness and equality and appreciation and respect means that your reluctance to do something you're not crazy about gets overwhelmed by your desire to do something with the person you love. In other words, the person becomes more important than the event. You're willing to save if you're frivolous and spend if you're frugal The point isn't really about money at all, but a willingness to examine fundamental beliefs as a direct result of valuing another person and their perspective and opinion. (Yeah, the same phenomenon can happen with friends, but because friends generally tolerate and celebrate differences, there's less motive or incentive for change.) Any good relationship changes us. If being around your beloved makes you examine or change some fundamental part of yourself, it may not be love in and of itself, but it does indicate respect, a willingness to learn from another, and a relationship in which you feel safe enough to try something foreign and scary. Forget about flattery or hypocrisy. Rather, you have the courage, strength, and energy to examine and experiment with a fundamental belief system, be it religion, politics, gun control, abortion, Chinese food, travel, having children, gardening, money, or any other position you used to consider inviolate. ("Money?" you say. Yep. It's hard to think of any one commodity that is more basic than money. If you think money is just green stuff that just sits there, you're wrong; it can represent power, lifestyle, control, options, freedom, interaction, and a whole lot more.) The idea of doing nothing together sounds terrific In the early stages of dating, there is a hunger to discover who the other person is, but this time also feels scary because he or she may not be what you thought or — even worse — you may not be what they're looking for. Even though the stakes aren't very high at the beginning, you might feel that they are, so you play at dating, and one of the easiest ways to play is to do something at all times — either publicly or privately. The dating ritual is about finding places to go and things to do. Once a couple is sexual, the thing to do is sexual, and everything else seems just a holding action until the couple can hit the sheets. Then when the initial flurry of sexual activity is over, there is a tendency to want to show each other off because you're feeling connected and proud. When the idea of doing nothing together is the coolest thing either of you can come up with, you're very likely in love, because you've gone through the other stages of terror, sex, and showing off. Now, the relationship is just about the two of you, not to the exclusion of everyone or anything else. In fact, your "normal" life has expanded to include each other, but the idea of simply being together is the most wonderful thing either of you can figure out to do — even out of bed. You're willing to risk being yourself Being yourself is really the ultimate sign. Everything else on the how-you-know-you're-in-love list hints at being yourself, but when you truly love someone, you want them to know who you are and love you for all that you are, not just for who you pretend to be. When you're in a truly loving relationship, you can be honest and direct and take chances. The tricky part of being in love is that it can encourage you to be yourself, but it ups the ante that you might make the person you love change their mind and leave if you show the real you. You want your beloved to be happy now and forever, and the only way to do that is to be who you really are. It's almost impossible to sustain an illusion over time, and because you are now truly in love, you wouldn't want to hurt your beloved by living a lie. But you also need to be a bit careful of what you confess. Remember that between honesty and duplicity is silence. If you're old enough to be in love, you're old enough to understand the occasional use of silence.

Cheat Sheet / Updated 09-02-2021

Dating doesn't have to be nerve-wracking, but it does require preparation. You must do some up-front soul searching to make sure you're ready to be honest, open, and attentive. You need a strong sense of your dating expectations so you can clearly communicate what you're looking for without setting the bar so high that no one can clear it. You must be cautious about how and where you meet potential dates, especially if you're looking online. Also, you should remember that a date is just a date — and it can actually be fun! Whether your long-term goal is to get married and start a family or to set sail around the world in a sailboat built for two, you start in the same place: on a first date.

Article / Updated 09-01-2021

You may have experienced one or two (or ten) dating disasters, when you wished you could have crawled under the table to hide for the next decade or so. Well, you can breathe a huge sigh of relief as soon as you master the perfect remedy for the following dating disasters. The first rule: No matter what the problem, fess up immediately. Your date will sense from your expressions or behavior that something is wrong, and they might think you have a problem with them. And remember, no matter how bad it gets, really, is it the end of the world? Disaster Solution Your pants (skirt, shirt, bra) split. Tie your jacket or sweater around your waist; buy or borrow a jacket or sweater to tie around your waist. Borrow a safety pin from the waiter. You forgot your wallet or billfold. Throw yourself on the mercy of either your date or the manager (if you're a regular there). If your date likes you, at least they will know there will be another date — one for which you pay in full. You get sick. Hey, sick happens. Just don't deny it so long that you get sick right then and there. Tell your date you're not feeling well and need a few minutes in the restroom. If you really don't think you're going to make it, ask your date for help. Passing out in a bathroom stall will only make a bad situation worse. It's okay to ask for a rain check — or a barf check, or a nasal drip check. You pass wind. Most importantly, avoid breaking out in a 15-minute nervous laughing jag. Apologize once and then (if possible) open a window. You run into an angry ex. Remind yourself that you are not responsible for anyone's behavior but your own. Stay calm and let your ex be the only person in the room who makes a fool of themselves. Your car breaks down. First, get your towing situation under control, be it AAA or through your insurance policy, or searching for a nearby tow company on your phone. Best thing to do is make the best of it. Don't sink into a quicksand of self-blame. See if the tow truck can drop you off at the restaurant on the way, take a cab home, and deal with your dead car tomorrow. Remember: A little reconnaissance means you won't run out of gas or get a flat without a spare. Don't sweat it Sweating, when you're nervous or hot, is natural. Excessive sweating, called hyperhidrosis, can be problematic. It happens when your sympathetic nervous system is out of whack — working harder than it needs to in regulating your body temperature. Sweat appears on the palms of your hands, your face, feet, and torso, as well as your armpits. If you sweat profusely (or even just a little), you can stop it several ways: Antiperspirants: The active ingredient in most antiperspirants is aluminum zirconium trichlorohydrex (or tetra-chlorohydrex) GLY. Some people do apply antiperspirant to the soles of their feet or the palms of their hands, but most use them on their armpits. The purpose of an antiperspirant is to stop sweat from reaching the skin. A deodorant, on the other hand, is used to mask perspiration odors. You likely need both on a date. Powders: Brushed on the hands and feet, talc, cornstarch, and baking soda-based powders absorb perspiration as it reaches the surface of your skin. Relaxation: Particularly before a big date, sweat may be more of an emotional response to stress than a physical problem with your armpits or hands or forehead. Take several deep breaths and try to chill out. Surgery: In severe cases of sweating, surgery is possible to remove axillary sweat glands, or the sweat glands under the arms — but don't try this at home. Lighten up No matter what happens, the biggest thing to bear in mind is this: It's a date — just a date. Not brain surgery or the cure for cancer or the Bill of Rights or Macbeth. It's not serious drama with dire consequences. It's a date. So, while you're in the midst of it all, why not lighten up? The punsters weren't kidding when they said, "Laughter is the best medicine." Several studies have found that jovial belly laughs not only improve circulation and work muscles all over the body, but they relieve stress much in the same way aerobic exercise does. Even in your darkest moments, laughter can instantly make things seem, and feel, much better. Tossing one-liners nonstop isn't the way to go, but looking on the bright side of a dim moment can mean the difference between a disaster date and one that's the beginning of a great relationship.

Video / Updated 08-27-2021

Sex and relationships expert Dr. Ruth has some solid opinions on how swiping within dating apps comes into play — or should we say, foreplay?

Article / Updated 08-27-2021

Meeting that special someone often happens by accident, but can increase the odds of meeting someone you like by frequenting the right kinds of places. A place you enjoy, where you feel comfortable and safe, solves the problem of what to talk about. Here are eight good places to meet people. The halls of academia: Find something you’ve always wanted to learn about and take a course. Even if you don’t see any datables in your classroom, you’re out of the house, learning and relating, and your chem partner may have a cute sibling who’s single. Parties, vacations, and other fun stuff: Fun places are some of the best places to scout out datables. Everybody’s relaxed, open, less uptight, and prepared to be happy and smile (it’s the reason for so many vacation romances). Movies: Not everybody in line is coupled up; lots of singles go to movies, so the line into the movie, especially if it’s a long line, is not a bad place to get to know somebody. If you have the time to get to know each other before the movie begins, offering to share popcorn can work, too. Dances: Folk dancing is great, as is square dancing, because the caller tells you what to do, and you’re always changing partners. Ballroom dancing is a bit iffier in that there is a huge premium put on doing it well, and you’re pretty up-close and personal with someone. But if you love to dance and you’re good at it and you don’t mind your feet getting stomped occasionally, dancing does meet the something-in-common, sorta nonthreatening thing. Grocery stores: Buying food in the local market has that comfort/familiarity/nurturing thing going. It’s a (usually) nonthreatening environment, you’ve probably been there before, and if no one datable happens to meander in front of your grocery cart or pause invitingly in the produce section, you can still pick up your milk and Oreos. Bus stops: Waiting at the same place and at the same time every day creates a sense of community. You see each other — and every other regular passenger — here all the time, and you can sit together. The trick here is to go slowly. Don’t worry unless the person you’re interested in moves or switches jobs; you have plenty of time. Laundromats: What’s more domestic than airing your once dirty, now clean, laundry in public? Always carry extra fabric softener and change (you never know who may need to borrow something) and under no circumstances mention underwear. Bookstores: In some bookstore chains, you can curl up in a big comfy chair and listen to jazz quartets — and even be tempted to chat each other up. And if you happen to spy some cutie perusing your favorite author’s latest, discussing the finer points over a latte in the bookstore café seems fun, savvy, and safe. Somehow being picked up in a bookstore seems really smart, dontcha think? Restaurants: Asking to join someone sitting alone is a bit iffy. If the person says yes, you don’t have to eat alone, but if the person says no, you may lose your appetite. But if you have nerves of steel, go for it. Places of worship: Many churches, mosques, temples, synagogues, and other places of worship or spiritual activities have special singles services and events, figuring that they’re safe, familiar, spiritual, and, with any luck at all, have the potential to increase the wedding business. The only problem here is that you can’t date lots and lots of folks at the same place of worship, or you’ll get a bad rep. So either be selective or plan to change congregations should the need arise. Volunteer activities: Being your most altruistic self is hard to resist, and having something in common with another altruistic soul gives you lots to talk about. Just make sure that you like the activity itself. Political campaigns: Political campaigns offer a nearly perfect environment because volunteers share a common goal, campaigns don’t go on forever, and the atmosphere is exciting and intense. Sport teams: Even if you’re a klutz, find a sport to play. It’s generally safe, it’s fun, it’s physical, and team members almost always get together afterwards — especially if they win. Even if you view yourself as the ultimate klutz or hated gym class, more and more leagues are demanding co-ed-ness. Health clubs: Health clubs have a lot going for them. You’re among other people doing essentially the same thing. You see the same familiar group of people all the time. Keep in mind, though, that most people are in spandex and therefore often a bit shy, so be willing to go slowly. Individual sports: Even if you embrace the loneliness of the long-distance runner, skier, mountain climber, shot putter, or cycler, there are clubs that support your individuality while having great parties, useful websites, and like-minded souls. If you run into the same person daily as you scoot around the reservoir, or walk your dog, or peddle uphill, smile as you gasp. Sporting events: Most people are really relaxed when they watch sports — unless it’s the playoffs — and they are quite willing to discuss what’s going on or argue about who’s best. So, saying to the cute person next to you, “Can you believe that call?!” will likely result in a smile and a response.

Article / Updated 07-09-2018

If you subscribe to a mainstream online dating site, the site won't ask you overtly sexual questions for your profile, but that doesn't mean you won't have ample opportunity to lace sexual innuendo into your answers. We aren't just talking about essay questions, like "What do you think is sexy?" or "Define sexy," but multiple-choice questions with available answers that run the gamut from sexually neutral to unmistakably sexually provocative. All sexual info will be scrutinized You need to realize that some people can take an honest answer involving a sexually provocative question out of context because such an answer is word-searchable on most systems. For an example of the ramifications, consider this Q&A found on one service:Question: "What is my favorite indoor activity?"Available answers: Shopping, table tennis, sitting by the fire, reading, watching TV, movies, bowling, sex. Selecting sex as your answer, when in the context of a thoughtful essay, may not seem particularly provocative. The problem is, a subscriber can easily run a search for all people who are looking for sex. If that's your favorite indoor activity (and we found many people who said so), would you feel okay if it were taken as your primary indoor activity? In one experiment, a few women who listed sex as their favorite indoor activity removed that tidbit temporarily from their profile. The number of lewd e-mails they received dropped. In short, what you write may not be what people see. Be careful about tucking sexual answers into otherwise nonsexual questions. Some of these answers are pretty funny in the context they're placed, but remember that some people doing word searches don't necessarily view your answers in the same context. Don't be discouraged — following are some code words that provide generally acceptable ways to express a healthy sexual interest without being lewd or lascivious: Passion Passionate kisser Hugging Affection Intimacy Kissing Warmth and closeness Physical relationship Physical compatibility On the other hand, the following terms and discussions often turn off people who are seeking a long-term relationship: Sex Sexual ability Names of body parts (anatomically correct names, including Latin and more earthy terms) Names of specific sexual acts Mention of previous sexual conquests Every sexual response has at least two interpretations Internet dating is no more sexually provocative than face-to-face dating. After all, a person's clothes, makeup, and tone of voice can be very sexually engaging in person but completely lost on the Internet. Likewise, although you find a photo provocative, without eye contact, you lose much of the sizzle. In addition, the feedback you get from eye contact gives you an immediate idea of whether your message succeeded or whether you really screwed up. Try that in e-mail! Internet daters must work with mere words to create the sexual tension that's part of regular dating. And they have to craft those words entirely in the dark. Furthermore, although most people have developed a level of skill at nonverbal sexual communication (body language), most of us still need to discover a comparable skill on e-mail. Considering those challenges, putting sexual info in your profile can be risky because some people may misconstrue the meaning. Consider the following: Anything that can have a sexual meaning is usually taken as such. Take, for example, the question "How you would end a first date?" Answering "anything goes," is fairly obvious as to what you mean, but what if you answer "light petting" (an actual choice) or "I'll introduce you to my parents"? Do those choices mean sex is part of the night's activities? To some people, the answer is certainly yes. Be sure you're okay with that interpretation. Men are especially eager to assume the most sexually provocative meaning to whatever you write. If you want to make sure that they get the message, don't be confusing in your e-mail. Women, you'll get far more lewd and possibly offensive e-mails from men (and some women) if your Q&A answers include sexually provocative choices. If you want to be even a little bit provocative, switch to a casual-sex site. Your moderately provocative posting will seem tame compared to the competition.

Article / Updated 03-26-2016

Dating can be scary and fun and challenging, but you want it to be that way for all the right reasons — not because you haven't taken reasonable precautions about your own safety. Just as you look both ways before you cross the street, you should be wise enough to look both ways before you venture forth on a date. You'll feel better and safer if you've been sensible. Tell somebody where you're going Always let someone you trust know where you're going when you go out — and with whom. Unless you went to kindergarten with your date and every grade since, it makes sense to let someone know where you are, especially these days, when people meet through the personals and blind dates and online chat rooms. Even if you're both safe from each other, what if the car breaks down or there's a storm at the beach or your roller blades are hijacked? Not only is it smart to be safe rather than sorry, you'll feel more relaxed as well. If your mom or your big brother is likely to grill you about your date for weeks afterward, pick someone else to tell — a friend who gives you the same kind of info. If you don't know a soul, the next best thing is to leave a detailed note of where you are and who you're with posted in an obvious spot in your home or apartment, such as on the refrigerator door. It just makes common sense. If you should stumble into trouble, speed and accuracy are essential. Particularly if you're a single woman living alone, tell a friend what you're up to. While it may feel like a pinch on your freedom, it's a gift you and your single girlfriends can give to each other. Name, rank, and serial number During your rundown of phone numbers, pager numbers, and e-mail addresses, ask one simple question: Whereabouts do you live? Your date-to-be may or may not want to give an exact address — which is okay — but if he or she is reluctant to give any clues, you may want to ask why. While you're at it, make sure you know your date's last name (and how to spell it). If that person hesitates to freely offer any of this information, consider it a red flag because there are precious few reasons why someone would withhold full disclosure: They're married. They live with their mother. They are embarrassed by their neighborhood. They live in a car. Getting there can be fun Depending on the part of the country in which you live and your age and economic situation, your date may offer to pick you up in a cab, a limo, a scooter, a wagon, a bus, or not at all. While a car may sound like a good idea, consider other, safer and potentially saner, alternatives. Meeting there Meeting there is a good option for several reasons: You are in control of your arrival and departure time. There's no nail biting if your date's late, or frantic rushing around if they're early. Moreover, if the date turns out to be a dud, you're outta there in seconds flat. Realistically, you may not be so comfortable giving a near stranger your address just yet. That's okay. If he or she insists on coming to your house, that's another red flag right there. You don't have to count on your date staying sober when you drive your own car. You do, however, have to make sure you don't drink (unless you've been dropped off by a friend, parent, cab, bus, or so on). Unless you invite your date to follow you home at the end of the evening, the sex question is definitely out of the question. Meeting at the location lends a slightly businesslike air to the date — which can be ideal for a first meeting where you're still checking each other out. Meeting at the office, workplace, or school After-work or school dates have advantages as well as a few pitfalls: Unless you work in a one-person operation, you're meeting in a public place and can keep your private home address to yourself for now. Presumably, your co-workers will still be around. It's a great opportunity to see how well your date relates to others. You can still exercise the option to provide your own transportation from work — you can leave your car there and call a cab from the restaurant or theater. One disadvantage is that it increases the pressure for your date to offer to escort you home if you haven't left a car at your meeting place. Another disadvantage: Now your date knows where to find you eight hours a day. At home, at least you can leave the machine on or change your phone number if the situation gets too dicey (for example, your date won't take no for an answer). In some working environments — a store, restaurant, driving a city bus — it can be much harder to avoid a too-ardent admirer. Meeting somewhere near work can offset the major disadvantage of meeting at work: blowing your cover. Meeting in your 'hood Your neighborhood is your territory. It's where you feel comfy and known. Meeting at some nearby landmark — the fountain in town, the gas station, the Piggly Wiggly — has several advantages. It's public, close to home, and chances are, neighbors who care about you will see you. Take cash Always make sure you have enough cash to get yourself home should you decide to walk away in a huff. Tuck twenty bucks inside your shoe. Just remember to take it out at the end of the evening or you'll have a closet full of cash. Safety in numbers The top criterion for a safe date is to meet in a public place. When you do, you're creating your own safety zone — essential for not only feeling relaxed emotionally, but for releasing your body from guard duty, as well. Isolated, dark, quiet places may be great for romance, but on a first date, the goal is to get comfortable with each other. And comfort comes with safety. And safety comes in well-trafficked public places where you can let your guard down. Check out the table for more details. First-Date Venues Safest Less Safe Unsafe Outdoor concert Meeting at a bar Going for a drive In-line skating in the park on Saturday A private party (unless you know the party-givers) Midnight walk on the beach Going for ice cream or coffee Seeing a drive-in movie Weekend in the country Doing lunch or brunch Sporting event (testosterone levels can go sky-high if it's a violent sport) His or her home alone Going dancing A hike in the woods 5K run in the park Museum

Article / Updated 03-26-2016

You get what you pay for in life, Internet-dating sites included. Unlike free sites, with pay sites you don't have the headache of endless advertising messages screaming in your face. In addition, the scope of coverage and available features are broad and robust. Solid supervision is provided (to weed out the wackos), and appropriate barriers to entry are in place. To emphasize that last point, consider how easy it is to be an Internet-dating fraud; so the more hurdles to entry there are, the safer a site is likely to be. The problem is finding balance. A site that keeps everyone out is completely free of fraud but also of available dates! The most effective way to find balance is to combine fees and other barriers to entry. A site doesn't need much of a barrier to keep out the undesirables or at least make them easy to detect. Pay sites provide effective barriers against bad folks by Requiring long essays. Some systems require a minimum length for answers to essay questions. If you see a profile in which the person makes no serious attempt to complete the essay, you may as well give that one a pass. Although the person may not be very articulate, he or she could also be a gamer or player (a person on a site for amusement and not really dating). Requiring a photo. Very few sites make this requirement because they fear having fewer participants. However, if you limit yourself to people who post a photo, even though you may eliminate many perfectly good matches, you also eliminate a larger percentage of problem postings that hide behind the anonymity of a no-photo posting. Sorry to say, but if you don't post a photo, you're separating yourself from the class of serious daters. Of course, a posted photo may be fake, so somewhere in your correspondence thread, ask for a second photo. Few frauds have a series of related fake photos. Requiring a payment only by credit card. Credit-card payments are highly traceable. After a payment is made, law enforcement can easily access the records. Even if a card is stolen, repeated charges to the card will eventually be cut off when the owner reports the lost card or bogus charges. Requiring approval of all postings. Like a bouncer checking IDs at a bar, most pay sites read your posting and almost all look at your photo. They read your essays electronically to spot those seven dirty words that comedian George Carlin used to do a shtick about — the ones that could never be uttered on TV — as well as a few thousand more that can't be used on vanity license plates. A few sites actually have humans read your essays word for word. All look for embedded e-mail addresses, like "You can reach me at my house dot com if you get my drift," because they don't want you to circumvent their fee system. Having the sites read your essays is good for the most part, because they ferret out some seriously inappropriate types who can't hold their tongue (well, fingers). You find that some pay sites put great emphasis on barriers to entry. For example, some sites charge relatively high fees in an attempt to create an aura of exclusivity. And some sites add other criteria, such as allowing only Ivy League graduates, plus fees to create greater selectivity. Figuring out online dating site fees Assuming that you're convinced that you get what you pay for, how much should you pay? Most sites are pretty close in their fees for the initial month, usually $20 to $30. Dating site fees have risen a lot. Just a few years ago, many sites charged about 50 percent less. But the fact that people are still willing to pay means they feel the value is sufficient to justify the cost. Most sites now use a monthly payment plan. Basically, you get unlimited use of the features for a fixed fee per month. In general, this system is better because you don't feel inhibited about making contact unlike a token system where you weigh each contact you make very carefully. In a token system, you buy a certain number of tokens and you use one every time you write. Token systems are nice if you're a dabbler in the online dating scene or if you travel a lot and wouldn't benefit from a time-limited engagement. However, the disadvantage of this method is that you become very judicious about using your eTokens and may become annoyed when you don't get a reply from someone (consequently, a wasted token). Determining length of your Internet dating site subscription If you want to venture into the online dating world, know that you need to remain patient. For you instant-gratification types, you probably won't find your life partner after paying for one month on an Internet dating site. Remember that online dating takes time. Even paying for less than six months is probably too short of a time, and it'll rush you into being an urgent dater, which isn't a good dater to be. If you pay for six months (or even a year) and find your dream mate on Day 2, consider yourself the luckiest person on earth and money very well spent. Think of all the bad dates you missed. Even if you pay for an entire year, don't expect to use the site every week or every month. You'll hopefully get into a relationship or two along the way and need to suspend (not cancel!) your account. Or you may just need a rest from time to time. Beware the auto-debit monster! When you give a credit-card authorization for payment for your first subscription period, you'll probably be authorizing the site to automatically renew your subscription in perpetuity, possibly well beyond your eventual marriage and death. So if you sign up for six months, at some point you may be debited another six-month charge without warning. This feature is nasty, it's legal, it's stated in the small print, and all sites do it. If you pay by credit card, after you sign up for a long-term contact (three months to one year) on most systems, you may immediately resign. Doing so doesn't mean you lose your contract term. It just means that you've quashed the auto-debit monster. (If by chance you accidentally cancel your subscription, just send the site an e-mail to explain the problem.)

Article / Updated 03-26-2016

The Internet is a strange place, and what seems abnormal for in-person experiences is completely common on the Internet. Notice that the word is common, not polite or considerate. You need to know how to dish out rejection in an appropriate way. As with real life, you must do it quickly — and with a modicum of kindness, if possible. Granted, for some people, a more heavy-handed approach is necessary. In general, give a rejection firmly. Polite is good, but if it doesn't work, try sterner and firmer. Anger doesn't help. If you need further coaching, go to your local electric company's customer service department and see how it handles you when you try to dispute a bill by saying, "I never used that electricity." Many appropriate ways are available to encourage someone to move along. Each one requires its own special finesse. This article points out the major ways to do so in specific situations. After receiving the very first e-mail from someone Say that you get an e-mail from someone, and you can tell immediately that you have no interest in communicating with that person. Here are the Internet-appropriate ways to say no: Don't reply at all, ever. Just delete the message. In Internet-speak, this tactic is completely understood to mean "Not interested at all, ever." Note that Internet dating sites vary in the sophistication of their features. On some sites, the person knowsthat you received his or her e-mail and read it. On some sites, the person also knows that you deleted it. Send a short reply saying, "Thanks for writing, but I'm not interested." Then delete the person's e-mail. If the person continues to write, don't answer. If the person persists, use the blocking feature on your e-mail system. And for the record, the inappropriate ways to say no include Deleting without opening. Again if this e-mail is the first communication from a prospect, read it. The person spent the time to write it, so take the few seconds to read it. If your online system informs the user that their e-mail was deleted unopened, that is a big, and unnecessary, rebuff. Sending an e-mail saying "Not on your life, you loser." Using the block feature immediately. If the first inquiry was polite, you have no reason to take out the big guns so early. Even if you don't want any further e-mails from that person, why slap him or her in the face because that is what it feels like to be blocked. In the middle of an IM exchange Say that you're in the middle of an Instant Messaging (IM) exchange, and you realize that the prospect just isn't a match. The Internet-appropriate action to take is to simply say"I need to stop now. I've enjoyed chatting with you, but I don't think we're a match. I don't want to waste any more of your time. Best of luck in your search." Wait for a reply. If it's an argument telling you why you are a match, simply sign off. Don't engage in further IMs. Block him or her if necessary. And for the record, the inappropriate actions are Poofing — just breaking off the conversation in mid-stream and logging off. Would you hang up the phone in mid-conversation if you got bored? Saying "Gotta go" and logging off. Responding with anger or obscenities, even if some were directed at you. Sending a pornographic photo for shock value. Regarding those first two actions, your prospect would probably think you had computer problems and keep trying to reach you, which isn't what you want. Regarding the third action, no stranger is worth any emotional investment on your part, especially negative ones. Don't go away mad. Just go away. And regarding the porno action, sending pornographic material can be construed as harassment and get you into a heap of legal trouble. If someone has really incensed you, avoid further trouble even though you're anonymous. Resist the urge to "flame" people. They are unlikely to go postal on you, but some people are sufficiently sick to do some serious libel and slander. Some people flame others by sending e-mails, warning people of a person's supposed bad character. ("Don't date this guy. He is [insert issue here].") Although you could sue them for defamation, who needs the grief? The best way to avoid this sort of thing is to kill people with kindness, even if they don't deserve it. In the midst of a phone call Say that you're in the midst of a phone call with a prospect (after some e-mail exchanges), and you realize that he or she just isn't a match. The appropriate actions to take include End the phone conversation noncommittally. Then send an e-mail saying that you have thought over the exchanges of the past weeks and don't think you're a match. This method has the advantage of moving your correspondent to e-mail and away from the phone, as a method of contact. Gradually, he/she will give up. Tell the truth and end the conversation, saying that you don't think you're a match and thanking the person for taking the time. And for the record, avoid these inappropriate actions: Ending the conversation on a positive note, with no intention of continuing the exchanges. Hanging up the phone in mid-sentence. (Those darn squirrels. They chewed through the line again.) He or she will just call you back. When people are clueless Occasionally, you'll run into people who just won't stop contacting you even after you've rejected them. Most often, people don't let go because they've developed fantasies from your photo and essay. When you start exchanging messages, the fantasies grow. If you're still anonymous, the situation probably isn't dangerous, but you may still feel uncomfortable. Spotting these people is tough because they seem so genuine and enthusiastic. So what's your No.1 warning sign? They express assumptions about the depth of your relationship with them long before it's appropriate. Avoid arguments When your goal is to make a clean break from the person who won't let go (or any prospect, for that matter), never argue or defend yourself. You have to accept the bad guy or girl role unless you want to create an even angrier person out of your former prospect. Realize that many people forget how little time they actually have invested in their exchanges and that they don't have a good perspective on their circumstances. If all else fails, let them down hard When someone just won't quit bothering you and all else fails, you have to dispense with being polite. Just as dogs get only one bite (actually, they don't get any free bites), your discouraged suitor gets only one "apology" from you. Then it's over, babe. The following line is pretty darn effective but only use it as a last resort:"You need to know that if you attempt to contact me again, I'll report your activities as an abuse to the dating site. The site will then begin to monitor all your e-mail messages and kick you off the system if it doesn't like what you're writing." Afterward, break off the communication. From then on, your approach is no reply, no comment, no nothing. Your safety is paramount. If you think you have a problem prospect, even if you're anonymous, don't feel uncomfortable reporting the situation to the site operator (usually under abuse or Webmaster). The pay sites have a serious interest in protecting their customers and maintaining good public relations. If you do call for help, supply actual e-mails or other data giving the supporting facts. Reporting abuse to the site is far more effective than just blocking a person's messages (a feature offered on most sites). However, if you're a drama king or queen, don't practice your art of "the sky is falling." If you fabricate e-mails and try to damage someone's reputation, you'll run foul of several civil and criminal laws — maybe even antiterrorism federal law. Remember that nothing is ever completely erased on the Internet, so made-up abuse is pretty easy to expose. And if you report inappropriately, the site will monitor your mail. If a former prospect is dogging you, but not seriously enough to report him or her as an abuse, on some sites, you can search in Invisible or Stealth mode. Doing so prevents you from being seen on the Who's Online feature. Note that at Match.com, you need to turn your invisible status on each time you log in.

Article / Updated 03-26-2016

In addition to displaying a screen name, many online-dating sites allow you to display a phrase, called a tagline. Some sites, such as Match.com, let you choose a long screen name and a long tagline. That option can be a bit overwhelming, though, so go with a relatively short name and focus your creative juices on the tagline. If you try to be too creative with both, they tend to conflict and create a confused message. Do a search on your site to see which is more prominent — taglines or screen names. Focus on refining whichever one is more visible. Figuring out what to write Taglines are difficult to write. Good ones, though, are mighty powerful. People who work in advertising agencies can make their entire career on just one tagline. (Think "Where's the beef?") As in advertising, the key to a good tagline in online dating is Conciseness Simplicity Sincerity (or, alternatively, humor) In the world of marketing (which, in the end, is what online dating is all about), the goal is to reach the right customer, not every customer. This goal is called strategic positioning, the process of defining who you are in a way that your customers understand whether they're a good match for you. Likewise, in the world of online dating, your goal is to present yourself in a way that tends to attract the right kind of person, not every available prospect. The obvious first step is to think about the kind of match you want. Focus on the less superficial stuff, not how tall or suave or sexy you want your prospect to be. Then you need to combine that thought with something about who you are. And from there, create your tagline. If that advice doesn't work and you're still drawing a complete blank, you have three choices: Take the first few words from your essay and call it a tagline. Be careful that you're tagline doesn't put your prospect asleep. Some sites automatically use the first few words of your essay to generate your tagline. This feature can cause some serious embarrassment if you aren't careful (see the section "Checking how your tagline gets displayed" for the scoop). Don't be dull. For example, say that you started your essay like 50 percent of all postings: "I'm youthful, spirited, happy, healthy . . ." That's what your tagline will be. This tagline isn't horrible, and it won't injure anyone, but that tagline won't excite anyone either. Consider borrowing from someone else's clever opener. Don't fret here. Plagiarism is okay in online dating. Note that copying a tagline from someone else is only a good idea if the tagline is really good and it fits you. Switch to humor mode and have fun. After considerable research, good humor is always appreciated. Using a tagline that pulls double duty The first purpose of a tagline is to quickly say something about yourself that invites a person to look further. The second purpose is to create some point of further discussion — an icebreaker that provides a prospect with an easy topic to start a conversation. For example, here's an a tagline that makes you want to read on:Skydiving is the coolest experience on (or off) this planet. . . . But what if you're not a skydiver and not even interested in being one? Then switch into humor gear. A funny line can be a great icebreaker, and you don't have to be particularly funny to write funny. Try these starter ideas: Use an interesting quote from your favorite writer, humorist, or wag. Google is teeming with quotes from Mark Twain, Dorothy Parker, and Woody Allen, to name a few. The quote needn't be hilarious, just engaging. For example: "Way down deep, I'm very shallow." (Dorothy Parker) Tweak the opening line from your favorite poem or literary piece, giving it a funny twist. If someone is familiar with your reference, you can begin conversing about something you both already have in common. For example: "It was the best of dates, it was the worst of dates." (Apologies to Dickens!) Use a line from a funny commercial — even one from your childhood. Most people enjoy pop culture references. Quote your favorite bumper sticker or a friendly reminder from your utility bill. Don't be afraid to be inventive. Put the words funny taglines (or similar phrasing) into your favorite Internet search engine for suggestions. Here's a sampling of what you may find: • "I'm boycotting shampoo!!! Demand True poo!" • "Everything I need to know I got from watching Gilligan's Island." • "I run with scissors." • "Where are my sunglasses? Oh here they are." • "In time, we all become that which we most hate. That explains how I became a plate of liver and onions." • "I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure." Checking how your tagline gets displayed Remember the game "Telephone" from when you were a kid? You whispered something to the person next to you, and at the end of the chain, you compared what you started with to what the last person heard. Well, guess what? You may notice a bit of Telephone in how your tagline gets posted. You need to check to make sure that the site didn't turn your tagline into a scarlet letter. The sites that allow long taglines don't always display the entire line in search results. Sometimes only a limited number of letters gets posted on a search. (The entire tagline is visible when your prospect opens your photo and full profile.) Spark.com, for example, uses this system to create a tagline from your essay. Table 1 gives some examples of good taglines gone bad (no, it's not the name of a new TV reality show) when various dating sites didn't display the entire tagline in search results. Table 1: Good Taglines Gone Bad What Was Intended What Appeared I'm easy to get along with. I'm easy Most people say that I'm big hearted. Most people say that I'm big I'm 52, but I'm a doggoned younger person than my age. I'm 52, but I'm a dog People say they love my self-confident attitude. People say they love my self Remember to stop and smell the roses. Remember to stop and smell With me, boredom is always a thing of the past. With me, boredom is always a thing Please help me get off this site by being my match. Please help me get off I'm real easy on the eyes. I'm real easy Come and see the finger lakes with me. Come and see the finger You really can't tell how the computer can chop your phrase. You just need to check — after you establish your profile. And like the story of the Emperor's new clothes, people may not tell you. They just won't write you, and that's the problem. See also: Ten Do’s and Don’ts of Internet Dating Addressing Sex (or Not) in Your Online Dating Profile Making Safe Dating Connections Online