Narcissism is a set of personality traits that lie on a continuum. In other words, some people are a little bit narcissistic while others are very much so and may be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).
When you’re dealing with a narcissist, it can be helpful to recognize the common tactics narcissists use and distance yourself from them to preserve your own emotional well-being.
Just how narcissistic are you? A quiz
Do you wonder where you, or someone you know, lies on the continuum of narcissism? The following short quiz helps give you an idea. Read the following statements, answer Yes or No to each one, and then tally your answers.
The more you answer Yes to the statements, the more narcissistic you’re likely to be. If you or your loved one answers Yes to most or all of these statements, and you are experiencing problems in your everyday life, then consider being evaluated for narcissism by a mental health professional.
I know that I am a special person.
I can almost always get myself out of trouble.
I make an excellent leader in all situations.
I deserve to have the best things in life.
I like to show off.
When I’m in charge, things get done.
I can make people do what I want.
My future will be extraordinary.
I like it when people notice how good I look.
I can manipulate just about anyone.
When I talk, people listen. I am a powerful influencer.
I’m great at entertaining people with my stories.
I feel best when I am in control.
If something goes wrong, it’s usually someone else’s fault.
I always make the best decisions.
Signs you may be getting gaslighted
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse in which the victim becomes unsure of their own reality. The abuser lies, exaggerates, blames, misrepresents, and may deny their own actions.
Narcissists use gaslighting to manipulate others and distort the truth to their advantage. If you are being gaslighted, you may experience some of the following:
- You start to doubt yourself and believe you might be paranoid.
- You have an uneasy feeling that something is wrong, but you can’t put your finger on it.
- Your gut tells you that you are right, but you can’t be sure.
- You worry all the time about doing something wrong.
- You hear gossip about you from some of your friends that isn’t true.
- You begin to think that maybe you do have serious emotional problems.
- You start to feel inadequate and unable to function as well as you should.
- You have a bad feeling that you’re being cheated on but can’t be sure.
- The gaslighter seems so sure of themself that it feels like they must be telling the truth.
A few important terms related to narcissism
Following is a list of terms and their meanings as they pertain to narcissism and narcissistic traits.
- Gray rock: If you have to interact with a narcissist because they are a coworker or family member, going gray rock is one method. Gray rocking involves acting polite, but not interested. Stay focused on being unemotional and neutral.
- Love bombing: This is the pattern of over-the-top seduction that narcissists use to begin a relationship or when they believe the relationship is in trouble. Narcissists bombard their targets with flowers, gifts, praise, and passionate love.
- Mirroring: This is the uncanny ability a narcissist has to become the perfect person to another. They can reflect back all the aspects that someone is looking for in a potential partner.
- Hoovering: This strategy occurs after a breakup or argument. The narcissist may start up love bombing again, or stalking can occur. Basically, they do whatever they think is needed to “suck” you back in.
Tips for leaving a narcissistic relationship
Sometimes being in a relationship with a narcissist is too toxic to justify staying in the relationship. But breaking up with a narcissist is especially difficult because narcissists don’t take rejection lightly!
Following, are some tips to make it go as safely and smoothly as possible.
- Plan ahead. Narcissists don’t like to be abandoned, and their behavior sometimes escalates when they feel like you’re rejecting them.
- If you are in a legal partnership such as a marriage or sharing property, consult an attorney for financial implications and other legal considerations.
- Don’t threaten or tell the person your intentions ahead of time. When you are ready, just do it.
- Get a support system in place. Tell trusted friends, family members, and if you have one, your therapist about your plans. Get feedback.
- Be careful. Have a safety plan if you are worried about the potential of abuse.
Dispelling common myths about narcissism
Ask people if they know what a narcissist is, and most will answer yes. They may also tell you about a narcissist they know. However, there are many misconceptions and myths about narcissism. Here are few common ones:
Myth 1: Narcissism is the same as having high self-esteem.
Reality: Genuine high self-esteem comes from real accomplishments. Narcissists think highly of themselves regardless of their accomplishments. More importantly, people with high self-esteem do not assume that others lack skills. Narcissists believe that they are superior to others.
Myth 2: All narcissists feel great about themselves.
Reality: Narcissists do feel pretty terrific about themselves most of the time. However, some narcissists have thin skins and are easily insulted. Their overblown confidence can be easily punctured. When their superiority is threatened, they react with rage or despair.
Myth 3: Narcissists can change.
Reality: Narcissists almost never believe there is anything wrong with them so they rarely seek help or try to change their behavior. If they are convinced to go to therapy, they often drop out early or resist treatment. However, there is always hope, just not much.
Myth 4: Narcissism is a mental health disorder.
Reality: Narcissism is a pattern of personality traits. Someone can have a small amount of narcissism and otherwise be well adjusted. They can get through life without narcissism having a significant effect on their daily lives.
However, as the severity of symptoms increases, the likelihood of a mental health disorder increases. Narcissistic personality disorder is a serious mental illness that impacts adequate functioning in many areas of life.
Myth 5: Narcissists are always charming.
Most narcissists are initially charming and entertaining. However, over time, their grandiose stories become predictably all about them. After the first impression, narcissists often become self-centered bores.
