Darlene Lancer

If you wonder whether you may be codependent, you’re not alone. Different types of people may behave in a codependent manner, and codependence manifests in varying degrees of severity. Not all codependents are unhappy, but others live in pain or quiet desperation.Codependency is not something you heal from and are forever done with, but you can enjoy yourself, your life, and your relationships.

Because there isn’t one definition of codependency, there isn’t one test you can take. The following are two assessments used to identify people with codependency. The questions require a “yes” or “no” answer.This first was developed by Ron and Pat Potter‐Efron. They consider a person to have codependency if they have or had an involvement with an alcoholic, chemically dependent, or other long‐term, highly stressful family environment, including long-term illness that can be physical or mental health‐related.

Abuse is common in dysfunctional families and may take the form of neglect or physical, sexual, emotional, or spiritual abuse. Abuse violates your boundaries and seriously damages your self-esteem. The abuser may be a parent, older sibling, or other relative. Sometimes, older siblings emulate a parent’s abusive behavior and vent their unexpressed anger on a younger child.

If you’re wondering if you’re codependent, take a look at the following list of symptoms. You don’t have to have all of them to be codependent, and there are degrees of severity of codependence. If untreated, codependency gets worse over time, but with help you can recover and be much more effective in your work and relationships.

If you think you may be codependent, you need help to change your behavior. Here are some sources of help for those suffering from codependency: Read all you can about codependency (but reading alone is insufficient to change). Go to a Twelve Step meeting for codependents, such as Codependents Anonymous, called CoDA, or Al-Anon for family members of alcoholics.

The key to overcoming codependency is relaxing and building a loving relationship with yourself. At Harvard Medical School, Dr. Herbert Benson developed a type of relaxation that doesn’t require any spiritual beliefs, but was very effective to reduce stress, anxiety, depression and anger. It’s called the Relaxation Response.

Focusing on someone else is a real problem for codependents. Letting go isn’t easy. Turning that around so that your focus is on you doesn’t make you selfish; in fact, it’s showing respect for someone else’s autonomy and boundaries. Here are some practical things you can do to: When you’re together, remember not to watch the other person.

Healthcare providers are natural caretakers and often are codependent. Codependency is perhaps even essential to being a good therapist. On the other hand, if their codependency is unchecked, mental health care providers risk not only harming themselves but also impairing the therapy. Consider the following guidelines, which highlight areas of concern and offer suggestions to put into practice: Do take care of yourself.

Guilt can, in some instances, actually lead to self-improvement and build self-esteem. The problem for codependents is that their guilt is usually irrational and stems from shame and poor boundaries.Studies show that healthy guilt encourages people to have more empathy for others, to take corrective action, and to improve themselves.