Darlene Lancer

Article / Updated 10-20-2023

Maybe you’re wondering whether you’re codependent. It may be hard to tell at first, because, unless you’re already in recovery, denial is a symptom of codependency. Whether or not you identify as codependent, you can still benefit from alleviating any symptoms you recognize. You will function better in your life. Recovery helps you to be authentic, feel good about yourself, and have more honest, open, and intimate relationships. Like most things, codependency varies on a scale from minimal to severe. When you’re under stress, symptoms flare. Some individuals show only slight symptoms, while others have all of the typical characteristics Some traits and examples may sound foreign, while you can relate to others. The severity of codependency varies depending on a number of things, such as the following: Your genetics Your culture, including your religious beliefs Your family’s dynamics Your experience of trauma Your role models Your addictions or use of drugs Intimate relationships you may have or had with addicts If you’re codependent, generally symptoms show up to some extent in all your relationships and in intimate ones to a greater degree. Or codependency may affect your interaction with only one person — a spouse or romantic partner, a parent, sibling, or child, or someone at work. Codependency may not affect you as much at work if you’ve had effective role models or learned interpersonal skills that help you manage. Maybe you weren’t having a problem until a particular relationship, boss, or work environment triggered you. One explanation may be that the parent has a difficult personality or the child has special needs, and the couple has adjusted to their roles and to one another, but avoids intimacy. The spectrum of codependency is illustrated in the figure below. The horizontal vector shows how opposite codependent personality traits can manifest in a relationship. Individuals may reverse roles. For example, you may be the pursuer in one relationship and a distancer in another, or flip back and forth in the same relationship. In an alcoholic marriage, the sober spouse may scold and blame the irresponsible, needy alcoholic, who behaves like a victim. Then their roles switch, and the alcoholic dominates and controls his or her partner. Sometimes the spouse who acts needy or “crazy” gets well, and the self-sufficient, invulnerable partner breaks down. Both the disease and recovery exist on a scale represented by the vertical vector here. Codependent behavior and symptoms improve with recovery, described at the top, but if you don’t take steps to change, they become worse in the late stage, indicated at the bottom. As you get better acquainted with the symptoms and characteristics of codependents, you may see yourself. If you feel overwhelmed by the thought of having codependency, instead focus on the patterns and behaviors you want to change. If you’re committed to change, it really doesn’t matter whether or not you consider yourself a codependent. However, it’s important to realize that codependency won’t get better or go away by itself. Support is essential, because you won’t be able to make permanent changes on your own.

Article / Updated 10-20-2023

Guilt can, in some instances, actually lead to self-improvement and build self-esteem. The problem for codependents is that their guilt is usually irrational and stems from shame and poor boundaries. Studies show that healthy guilt encourages people to have more empathy for others, to take corrective action, and to improve themselves. Shame, on the other hand, makes you feel inferior, inadequate, or bad about who you are versus what you did. Unhealthy guilt impedes self-acceptance. Self-forgiveness is self-essential to self-esteem. Yet for many codependents, self-acceptance remains elusive because of unhealthy guilt — sometimes for decades or a lifetime. It may be an unrelenting source of pain. You might hold a belief that you should feel guilty and condemn yourself — not once, but over and over — or guilt may simmer in your subconscious. Either way, this kind of guilt is insidious and self-destructive and can sabotage your ability to find happiness and achieve your goals. Here are things you should examine when you feel guilty: Guilt shouldn’t drag on and preoccupy you. When guilt is irrational and not absolved, it can lead to shame. Instead of enhancing empathy and self-improvement, it has the opposite effect. It causes greater self-preoccupation and undermines both the self and relationships. It also promotes aggression and depression. You may be punishing yourself unnecessarily. Are you harder on yourself than others? Would you keep punishing someone over and over for a mistake, or would you forgive them? Guilt causes anger and resentment, not only at yourself, but toward other people in order to justify your actions. Anger, resentment, and guilt sap your energy. They keep you stuck in the past and prevent you from moving forward. A better approach is to think of your mistakes as learning opportunities. To be sure, you’ll have another chance to do things differently next time. Guilt about your thoughts and feelings impairs rather than promotes self-acceptance. You may feel guilty not only for your actions, but also for your thoughts (for instance, wishing someone pain, misfortune, or even death); your feelings (like anger, lust, or greed); or your lack of feelings (such as not reciprocating love or friendship or not feeling grief over the loss of someone close). You may be feeling guilty for things others have done. Because of a lack of boundaries and low self-esteem, it’s common for codependents to take the blame for others’ behavior. Although irrational, you may feel guilty for the thoughts, attributes, feelings, and actions of someone else. You may be adopting others’ projections. You might judge yourself based upon the blame or false accusations emanating from others, which you accept to be true. For example, an abuser or addict may blame you to avoid responsibility, but you take on that blame. If your partner is a narcissist, they might accuse you of being selfish, even though your partner is the one who is selfish. Rationalizing or ignoring your guilt helps only temporarily, but it isn’t the same as self-forgiveness. Alternatively, beating yourself up prolongs guilt and shame and damages your self-esteem. The best approach is to face what you did, accept responsibility, do some self-examination, and take remedial action.

Article / Updated 10-20-2023

Good parenting requires having appropriate and flexible boundaries that respect individuality and separateness. In healthy families, parents respect emotional, mental, sexual, and physical boundaries. In dysfunctional families, boundaries are rigid, blurred, or a mixture. Individual boundaries When boundaries are too rigid, family members are likely disengaged emotionally and physically. There may be no feeling of closeness, nor affection showed. As adults, siblings may be emotionally distant, and families may not often celebrate together. On the other hand, when boundaries are nonexistent or enmeshed, family members may feel as though they have no right to set boundaries. They may gossip and overreact to each other, give unwanted advice, and invade each other's personal space. In the same vein, some controlling parents may disrespect their children's decisions and control their hobbies, school courses, friends, and personal dress styles. Parents may also invade boundaries by prying, reading their children's mail, questioning their friends, and ransacking or taking their belongings without permission. One likely explanation for this behavior is that some parents resist their children's urge to separate because they want to be needed. They see natural independence as disloyalty and abandonment. Children, on the other hand, may either rebel or feel guilty when they try to set boundaries with their controlling parents and with others as an adult. Your experiences with individual boundaries As an exercise, describe the boundaries in your family growing up in the following areas: Money Your personal belongings Physical touching and showing affection Sex and nudity Emotional — respect for your feelings Mental — respect for your thoughts and opinions Generational boundaries There are also generational boundaries between parents and children, which can be violated if children are put in an adult role. This often happens when a parent becomes overly close with their child and uses them as a companion, as a confidante to discuss their parental relationship or personal problems, or as an ally against the other parent. In this case, the child functions as an emotional surrogate for the lack of intimacy between the parents and/or as an ally or pawn in their power struggles. After a divorce, generational boundaries are often disrespected when one parent uses a child to convey messages to the other parent. Generational boundaries are also crossed when a child takes over parental responsibilities for an irresponsible or emotionally or physically absent parent. This can happen in single-parent families or if one parent is ill, in the military, or an addict. Some children as young as 5 are left to make their own meals. One child may assume the role of “little mother” or “little man” and take care of younger siblings or a needy parent. This is how many codependents learn to become over-functioning adults and caretakers. Some receive praise for doing so, and their role becomes part of their personality as adults. Your experiences with generational boundaries? Crossing generational boundaries is psychologically damaging. If this happened to you, you likely had to repress your needs and feelings in order to adopt an unnatural, age-inappropriate persona (be “a little adult”) to accommodate the needs of your parent. This may have separated you from your authentic child-self. Think about boundaries between generations: Did you have to perform adult tasks or assume adult responsibilities? Did a parent inappropriately confide with you? Did a parent ask you to talk to your other parent for him or her? Did you believe you had a special relationship with a parent who excluded your other parent? How did you feel in each of these situations?

Article / Updated 10-20-2023

The best advice in healing from codependency would be “love yourself.” Does that sound kind of cheesy? Probably. It might even feel wrong because you’re so used to loving other people. Or you may not even know how to love you. But think about those you love. You want to know them, support them, encourage them, give to them, and make them happy. Your love for them involves actions as well as feelings. Do you do that for yourself? Here are a few ways you can start. 1. Have a spiritual practice Love yourself by spending time alone. Whether or not you believe in God, a spiritual practice is an excellent means of creating a deeper relationship with your self. What better way is there to honor yourself than by setting aside some quiet "me-time" each day? A spiritual practice doesn’t require religious beliefs. Your intention may simply be to find a centered, calm place to access inner guidance, to develop reverence for life, or to experience harmony with yourself and others. Listening and finding truth gives you greater confidence, clarity, and peace. It helps you let go of control and be less reactionary, despite what’s happening around you. 2. Receive support Asking for and receiving help is another way to love yourself. Human beings are social animals, and we need each other. When you’re lonely, confused, anxious, overwhelmed, or in the dumps, reaching out is a way of giving to yourself. Sometimes, turning to God brings comfort and guidance. Other times, your emotions take over, and you’re unable to think or calm yourself. That’s when you need others. There are times when everyone needs support. When problems persist and don’t go away on their own, that's a sign you may require more than friends can offer. Unfortunately, some people believe that asking for and receiving help are signs of weakness. If you’re used to helping others, you probably don’t feel worthy of or comfortable receiving help. Changing that pattern is growth. Whether it’s going to a meeting or seeking professional counseling, getting support isn’t an indulgence or a character flaw. In fact, it takes self‐honesty to know your limits, and humility and courage to ask for help. Doing so allows others to give and feel close to you. Appreciating their love and support is both human and healthy. 3. Meet your needs It's key to attend to your own needs. If you’ve been tending the needs of others but neglecting your own, it’s time to turn that around and put yourself first. The reverse can also happen — you expect others to fill needs that are your responsibility. Be sure to address your basic, physical needs, such as healthy food, rest, exercise, and medical and dental checkups. Give special attention to needs you may be overlooking. When you’re lonely, sad, angry, afraid, overwhelmed, confused, tired, or feeling like a victim, ask yourself what you need. If you’re depressed, you may have been avoiding and neglecting yourself for a long time. Some needs are met by others, such as needs for intimacy and friendship. It’s your responsibility to speak up and ask for what you need and want. Don't expect others to develop ESP and read your mind — that only leads to resentment and conflict. 4. Have fun Show love to yourself by planning pleasure, recreation, and hobbies. Though they might seem trivial, these are needs, too. Focusing on a problem often makes it worse. Without balance, pain can turn into self‐pity and become a way of life. There are also people who take themselves too seriously. They develop tunnel vision when it comes to work and problems. For them, living is a struggle, a competition, or a test of endurance and achievement. You may have forgotten how to laugh and enjoy yourself, which is important in maintaining balance in both your body’s chemistry and your life. Life isn’t meant to be a burden, but to be enjoyed. Celebrate it by making time to relax, play, and be creative — activities that are rejuvenating and bring you into the present. Sometimes, when you take a break and have fun — even for a short time — your worries magically dissolve, and you gain a new perspective on a problem. Pleasure restores your energy and sense of well‐being, which not only nourishes your soul, but also enhances the productivity and quality of your work. 5. Protect yourself Keeping yourself safe from physical, mental, and emotional abuse is an essential part of showing yourself love. Loving someone doesn’t mean you have to accept insulting or ­demeaning words or behavior. If you think you’re being abused, don’t waste your energy or risk your safety trying to change the abuser, explaining your position, or proving your innocence. It won't change them, and it make things more difficult for you. You didn’t cause, nor are you responsible for, other people's words or behavior, but you do have a responsibility to protect yourself and your children. You have a choice to speak up, set limits, disengage from the conversation, leave the room, get professional help, call the police when there’s violence, or end the relationship. 6. Accept yourself Love yourself as the unique individual you are, including your appearance, feelings, thoughts, and addictions. You don’t have to earn respect or prove anything. You’re deserving of love and respect as a human being with flaws and failures. Notice if you’re trying to change for someone else’s validation. Instead, remind yourself that being yourself is more important. When you practice self‐acceptance, you stop worrying about what others think and can be more authentic and spontaneous. Becoming and accepting yourself takes time. Forcing change with constant self‐evaluation and self‐judgment keeps you stuck, but self‐acceptance allows change to happen with little effort. When you slip or make mistakes, remember that self‐criticism compounds them. It’s much more productive to forgive yourself and focus on your behavior in the present. 7. Be gentle to yourself As the old song goes, "try a little tenderness." Love yourself with gentleness and compassion. Modulate your inner voice so that it’s calm and kind. When you’re afraid or in pain, blaming yourself or thinking there’s something wrong with you makes matters worse. When you’re tempted to ignore your feelings and distract yourself with more activity, obsessions, or addictive behavior, practice just being with yourself. Just as you would for a friend, be the one who is there for you with gentleness and compassion in your anxiety, sorrow, hopelessness, anger, and terror. The child within you needs you. Comfort yourself with all the tenderness you would a crying child or wounded animal. Listen, forgive, and embrace your full humanness. Develop the trust that you can count on yourself. 8. Encourage yourself Give yourself encouragement and enthusiasm. Transform your inner critic into a positive coach. Get in the habit of finding things you do well and acknowledging them. Don’t wait for others to appreciate and compliment you. Appreciate and compliment yourself. In fact, repeat praise over and over. Instead of taking your good qualities for granted, notice them, and give yourself credit. Look for small things you do right and well. Stop doubting yourself, and pay attention to every small sign of progress toward your goals. Tell yourself you can make it — you can do whatever you desire. When you love yourself with encouragement, you'll soon see your self-confidence grow. 9. Express yourself Madonna was on to something with this lyric. Your self has been hidden too long. Healing shame requires that you risk being seen. Commit to stop hiding and honor yourself by communicating your feelings, opinions, thoughts, and needs. You have a right to think and feel what you do without explanation or justification. Your self‐respect and the respect you receive from others will grow. Self‐expression also includes your creativity. There are all sorts of different mediums where you can explore expressing yourself: music, writing, design, art, cooking, crafts, dance, or wherever else your creativity leads you. Tell your inner critic you’re creating for fun. There's no room for them here. 10. Pursue your passions Finally, tune in to your true passions. Only you hold the keys to your happiness. Talking yourself out of pursuing your desires leads to discontent and regret. Even if your desires are impractical or unprofitable, don’t allow those obstacles to discourage you. Every day, take one small step toward realizing your goals or doing something that excites you. If you’re uncertain about your passions, pay attention to what stimulates you, or try some new things. Listen to what calls to you, follow your inspiration, and take risks to experience the fullness of who you are. If you’re depressed or overwhelmed, it can be hard to think about positive goals. For now, make your recovery your number‐one objective. In time, you will have more energy and motivation about the future and your desires. Be patient. Goals or a specific direction eventually emerge.

Article / Updated 10-18-2023

Although mental health clinicians recognize codependency when they see it, the definition of codependency and who has it has been debated for decades. Experts agree that codependent patterns are passed on from one generation to another and that they can be unlearned — with help. An overview Therapists and counselors see people with an array of symptoms, such as depression, anxiety, addiction, or intimacy and relationships issues. Clients are hurting and often believe the cause is something outside of themselves, like their partner, a troubled child, or a job. On closer examination, however, they start to see that, despite whatever else may be going on, their behavior and thinking patterns are adding to their problems — that is to say, their patterns are dysfunctional. These patterns have an addictive, compulsive quality, meaning that they take on a life of their own, despite their destructive consequences. The root problem is usually codependency. Why relationships hurt Along with comfort and pleasure, intimate relationships especially evoke all your hopes, fears, and yearnings. You want to feel secure and be loved, appreciated, and taken care of. Dependence upon those closest to you further magnifies your emotional needs and vulnerability to being rejected, judged, and seen at your worst. Codependency is a particular kind of dependence. It’s insidious and ­powerful. It robs you of joy, peace of mind, and the ability to have sustained, loving relationships. It affects your relationship with yourself and limits your flexibility and the natural flow of relationships with others, including giving and receiving love and support and the ability to communicate, compromise, and problem-solve. All the symptoms work together to not only deprive codependents of the benefits possible in relationships, but they also create problems that wouldn’t have otherwise existed. For example, shame and low self-esteem make you insecure, anxious, and dependent upon others’ acceptance and validation. You may feel uncomfortable being yourself and be hypersensitive to perceived criticism or abandonment (even where neither exists). You may attempt to control or manipulate people to maintain a relationship and to be liked. Some codependents require repeated reassurances or are afraid to be direct and honest, which is necessary for effective communication and real intimacy. Childhood shame and trauma conceal their real, core self, which they can’t access. Instead, codependents develop a persona in the world that reacts to others, to their own self-criticism, and to their imagined ideal of who they should be. To be acceptable to others and to themselves, you hide who you are and become who you aren’t. You may not even be aware of how self-critical you are but suffer the “tyranny of the should’s” — a phrase coined by psychoanalyst Karen Horney (pronounced “Horn-eye”). Even though you may not relate to this, it still operates beneath your conscious awareness. You may only be aware of your persona illustrated here and nothing on the inner circles. Credit: By Darlene Lancer All relationships require boundaries. Love is not safe without them. Yet many codependents tolerate being treated without respect, because they lack self-worth. They don’t feel entitled to compliments, to be truly loved, or to set limits. They might do more than their share at work or in a relationship to earn acceptance, but they end up feeling unappreciated, used, or resentful. Shame can also cause codependents to deny or discount their feelings and needs, both to themselves and in their relationships. To cope, they sometimes disregard what’s actually happening, ruminate with worry or resentment, or finally explode. Their denial and confusion about their boundaries and responsibilities to themselves and to others create problems with intimacy and communication. Instead of bringing couples closer, frequently communication is avoided, is used to manipulate, or is highly reactive, leading to escalating conflict and/or withdrawal. Nothing gets resolved. They end up feeling trapped and unhappy because their symptoms paralyze them with fear of rejection and loneliness. The symptoms of codependency are all interwoven. They lead to painful emotions and self-sabotaging behaviors that produce negative feedback loops.

Article / Updated 10-18-2023

If you think you may be codependent, you need help to change your behavior. Here are some sources of help for those suffering from codependency: Read all you can about codependency (but reading alone is insufficient to change). Go to a Twelve Step meeting for codependents, such as Codependents Anonymous, called CoDA, or Al-Anon for family members of alcoholics. There are other Twelve Step groups for relatives of other addicts, such as for relatives of gamblers, narcotic addicts, and sex addicts. You can look on the Internet or in your phone book to find out where there’s a meeting near you. Get counseling from someone familiar with codependency. It’s preferable that they are licensed in your state. They may be marriage and family counselors, social workers, addiction specialists, psychologists, or psychiatrists. You will probably find it hard to focus on and discipline yourself to make changes without the support of a group or therapist. If you’re practicing an addiction, stopping that should be your first priority before tackling codependency. Here’s a list of things you can do on your own to get started: When you’re tempted to think or worry about someone else, turn your attention back to you. Pay attention to how you talk to and treat yourself. Much of low self-esteem is self-inflicted. Train yourself to speak gently and encouraging rather than telling yourself what you should or shouldn’t be doing or what’s wrong with you. Have some fun and pursue hobbies and interests of your own. Start a spiritual practice where you spend time alone with yourself. Meditation is an ideal way to help you become more calm and self-aware. Start looking for the positive in your life and what you do. Make a grateful list each day and read it to someone. Stand-up for yourself if someone criticizes, undermines, or tries to control you. Don’t worry! That’s not easy, but most worries never come to pass. You lose precious moments in the present. Mediation and talking things out with someone who knows about recovering from codependency can help you. Let go of control and the need to manage other people. Remember the saying, “Live and let live.” Accept yourself, so you don’t have to be perfect. Get in touch with your feelings. Don’t judge them. Feelings just are. They’re not logical or right or wrong. Express yourself honestly with everyone. Say what you think and what you feel. Ask for what you need. Reach out for help when you feel bad. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking you’re self-sufficient and can manage alone. That’s a symptom of codependency, too.

Cheat Sheet / Updated 10-18-2023

If you wonder whether you may be codependent, you’re not alone. Different types of people may behave in a codependent manner, and codependence manifests in varying degrees of severity. Not all codependents are unhappy, but others live in pain or quiet desperation. Codependency is not something you heal from and are forever done with, but you can enjoy yourself, your life, and your relationships. Should you choose to embark on recovery, you’re beginning an exciting and empowering journey.

Article / Updated 10-18-2023

Codependents’ shame and low self-esteem result in problems with boundaries and dysfunctional communication. Self-esteem, clear boundaries, and the ability to be assertive are essential to healthy communication. They are the foundation for avoiding fights and handling conflict. Unresolved or escalating conflicts are the norm among codependent couples, who probably didn’t have good role models for expressing anger and handling conflict. Often in codependent relationships, one or both partners are usually passive or aggressive, rather than assertive. When it comes to disagreements, low self-esteem leads to Inability to express your needs and wants Being very reactive People-pleasing Not taking responsibility for your behavior, feelings, and needs Inability to be honest Taking things personally Defensiveness Hidden expectations of others Blaming Attacking or withdrawing Arguments in themselves aren’t necessarily a bad sign. Having different needs and opinions is inevitable. Conflict means differences are surfacing, and this allows for negotiation and respect for one another’s needs. But in some relationships, differences aren’t acknowledged, either because one partner dominates a subservient one or because boundaries are enmeshed and both individuals are merged. They don’t really know themselves, or one or both are sacrificing who they are to please the other. The solutions to differences usually backfire, because they build resentment and passive-aggressive behavior. As a result, intimacy suffers. For such couples who don’t usually argue, conflict is a sign of growth and maturity. In healthy conflict, you’re able to express your needs and wants and mutually work out compromises. You’re able to problem-solve together. Your intentions and how you approach differences are critical. The objective should be to resolve a disagreement to the satisfaction of both of you. It’s not about winning and losing. You can “win” an argument, but the relationship may suffer if your partner feels discounted, deflated, or resentful. Planning when, where, and how you approach a disagreement is important for achieving satisfactory results. Draw up rules of engagement in advance. Here are eight suggestions for handling conflict: Make it okay to “agree to disagree.” You don’t have to agree on everything. Try to accept irresolvable differences that don’t violate your values. Have time-limited discussions and stick to the pre-set time. A half-hour is plenty. You can always reconvene. Work through things as they come up. Don’t stockpile resentments; otherwise, each postponement becomes a block to the next communication. Remember to maintain goodwill by separating the person you care about from the behavior. Assume that your partner is doing his or her best and isn’t hurting you intentionally. Take responsibility for your behavior, needs, and feelings. Use “I” statements to share your feelings and thoughts about yourself. Listen with curiosity and a desire to understand your partner and to see the world through his or her eyes. When you don’t understand, ask for clarification. Use a “we” approach. “We have a problem,” not “My problem with you is . . .” Adapted from Darlene Lancer’s “22 Do’s and Don’ts of Positive Conflict.”

Article / Updated 03-07-2022

Although men can and do fall victim to codependency, women comprise the majority of codependents. There are many reasons in many categories: biological, developmental, political, cultural, religion, and societal. Biological: While both women and men are biologically wired for relationships, under stress, men tend to prepare for action, while women’s hormones prepare them to make sure their relationships are healthy and intact. Developmental (gender identity): Generally, girls are more dependent upon and emotionally involved with their parents. Loss of a relationship may be their biggest stressor. They tend to be more accepting of parental values, and a separation that threatens the emotional attachment with their parents creates anxiety. Thus, autonomy is their biggest challenge. Males tend to have a drive to separate from their mothers and identify with their fathers in order to establish their male identities. For males, intimacy can be a challenge. Political: Universally, women have been subordinated to men and marginalized from access to equal money, rights, and power. Oppression for generations has made women more compliant. This continues today. They’re traumatized by physical and sexual abuse far more than men, which, among other serious medical issues, lowers their self-esteem. Cultural: In most cultures, girls are more restricted and have less opportunity for autonomy. Both hormones and societal norms encourage adolescent boys to be more rebellious and autonomous. They’re given more freedom and are willing to struggle for it. Religion: Many patriarchal religions view women in a subservient role to men and advocate that women defer to their husbands, brothers, and other men. Women have less freedom and rights, and may have less access to education or positions of authority. Societal: Women suffer from low self-esteem and depression far more than men. It’s not clear whether this is a cause, by-product, or concurrent with codependency; however, societal attitudes are a contributing cause. A Dove study found that over 40 percent of women are unhappy with their looks, and over two-thirds suffer low confidence about their bodies. Many blamed the airbrushed, ideal models for setting unrealistic, unattainable standards. Unfortunately, it starts in childhood. Seven in ten girls are dissatisfied with their looks, and a large number practice self-destructive behavior.

Article / Updated 12-28-2021

The controversy around codependency is divided into two camps — for and against. At one end are mental health professionals who advocate that codependency is a widespread and treatable disease. On the other is an array of critics of codependency, who argue that it’s merely a social or cultural phenomenon, is over-diagnosed, or is an aspect of relationships that doesn’t need to change. Those in the “against” camp state that it’s natural to need and depend upon others. They claim that you only really thrive in an intimate relationship and believe that the codependency movement has hurt people and relationships by encouraging too much independence and a false sense of self-sufficiency, which can pose health risks associated with isolation. Other naysayers disparage the construct of codependency as being merely an outgrowth of Western ideals of individualism and independence, which have harmed people by diminishing their need for connection to others. Feminists also criticized the concept of codependency as sexist and pejorative against women, stating that women are traditionally nurturers and historically have been in a nondominant role due to economic, political, and cultural reasons. Investment in their relationships and partners isn’t a disorder, but has been necessary for self-preservation. Still others quarrel with Twelve Step programs (used for addiction recovery), in general, saying that they promote dependency on a group and a victim mentality. Committees have lobbied for codependency to be recognized as a mental disorder by the American Psychiatric Association, which would allow insurance coverage for treatment. A major obstacle is the lack of consensus about the definition of codependency and diagnostic criteria. For insurance purposes, clinicians usually diagnose patients with anxiety or depression, which are symptoms of codependency. Here are some things to think about, to help put the naysayers’ points in ­perspective: Codependency’s detractors are correct to claim that people are meant to need, love, and care for others. Yet, when you look at codependent relationships up close, you discover that many of the benefits of healthy, intimate relationships elude codependents due to their dysfunctional patterns of interacting. Instead of feeling supported and enhanced by relationships, the symptoms and consequences of codependency provoke anxiety in relationships and cause pain. Codependents complain of feeling lonely and unhappy in their relationships. Similarly, a “false sense of self-sufficiency” is part of codependency. Codependents ignore their needs and depend upon others and frequently self-sacrifice to an unhealthy degree. They care for others in a way that leads to control, resentment, and conflict. The concept of codependency isn’t to blame for the increase in divorce, loneliness, and unhappiness. Codependency itself limits our ability to have satisfactory intimate relationships. Some recovering codependents choose to leave an abusive or painful relationship as an act of self-preservation. Remaining in such a relationship may also pose health risks from the chronic stress. Separation doesn’t have to lead to isolation. It’s untreated codependency that can cause people to isolate. In contrast, recovery helps individuals cope with loneliness in healthy ways by reaching out to others. The goal is to create healthy, nurturing, interdependent relationships. Thus, recovery from codependency doesn’t necessitate ending a relationship to become independent. The aim is to be able to function better and to enjoy more intimacy and independence in your relationships. Calling codependency what it is doesn’t create the problem. Finally, the term codependency shouldn’t be used to judge people. It arose out of Western socio-political thought and should be considered in a cultural and ethnic context. There may be instances where codependency is adaptive, and change would be disruptive. This poses a problem as American and European ideas spread to Asia, the Middle East, and Africa.