Joan Pastor

Cheat Sheet / Updated 02-22-2022

It's tough being an introvert in an extrovert's world. But remember that introversion is normal and healthy, just like extroversion. While extroverts thrive on social interaction, introverts prefer quieter pursuits. It's not that introverts hate people; they simply prefer a different style of social interaction, and they generally need it in smaller doses compared to extroverts. If you're an introvert, this Cheat Sheet summarizes effective ways to reduce stress and negative self-talk, and even some tips on how to politely leave a party early.

Article / Updated 03-26-2016

Are you raising an introverted child? If so, you know your innie hates being in the spotlight. And he or she really, really hates having to stand in front of the whole class and give a presentation. What's interesting is that introverted kids often create the best presentations. That's because they dive into their research with gusto, so they're likely to do a great job of exploring their topics. As a result, they're frequently better prepared and more knowledgeable than their extroverted peers. However, most introverted kids would rather face a firing squad than an audience. So on presentation day, they're likely to be a bundle of nerves. Fortunately, you can help your introverted child avoid horrible moments like these. All it takes is a lot of empathy and a little work. Here's what to do: Encourage your child to practice, practice, practice. First, have your little one give the presentation in front of a mirror. Then have your child give it to you. After that, add another family member or friend to the audience. As your child gives the presentation, think of questions you can ask about it. This will prepare your child to field any questions kids ask in class. Teach your child to breathe correctly. This is very important! Shallow breathing is an invitation to panic. Proper breathing, on the other hand, will help your child relax and speak clearly. So give your child these instructions: "Place one hand at the top of your stomach, just below the ribs, so you can feel your diaphragm. Now breathe in through your nose, imagining the air filling your stomach and flowing toward your back. Your diaphragm should expand out. When you breathe out, your diaphragm should move back in. Your shoulders shouldn't move when you're breathing." Have your child practice correct breathing every day until it becomes a habit. Help your child visualize success. Have your child picture himself acing each major point in the presentation and getting a big round of applause at the end. It's a good idea to do this visualization activity daily during the week before the presentation. Of course, even if you follow all of these suggestions, there's a small chance that your angel's presentation will completely bomb. But even in that case, you can help out: Share stories about your own public speaking disasters, either as a child or as an adult. Your child will realize that we all have experiences like this, and we survive them. Put the event in perspective. Don't dismiss your child's embarrassment or tears because she's entitled to her feelings. Let her vent her emotions, and acknowledge them. But after you empathize with her, remind her about the good things in her life — for instance, an upcoming camping trip or the sleepover she's planning with her friends. Consider salving your child's wounds with a new book, video game, or outfit. For kids, the healing power of new goodies can be amazing.

Article / Updated 03-26-2016

Imagine that you're home one night, happily puttering around the house, when your best friend calls and says, "We're going skiing on Saturday. I know you've never tried it. Want to come along?" If you're an introvert, you'll probably say no, and maybe that's a good decision. But maybe it isn't. It all depends on why you're saying no. If you decline the invitation simply because you need some time alone, that's a smart move. As an introvert, you recharge your batteries by turning inward. So a noisy skiing lodge, packed with people you don't know, might not be just the ticket after a long week at work. But here's the thing: Introverts don't always turn down invitations to new activities because they prefer peace and quiet. Sometimes, they say no because they're scared. Anyone can be afraid of trying new things, but this mindset is a bigger problem for introverts than it is for extroverts. There are several reasons: Introverts' nervous systems are extra-sensitive to stimuli, so new activities can overwhelm them. Introverts tend to be deep thinkers, so they weigh all the risks of a new activity as well as the benefits. Introverts tend to be a little pessimistic, so they often expect the worst from any new venture. So even if you've always wanted to try skiing, you may be afraid to say yes. But that's a problem, because you'll miss out on an experience that could be tons of fun. And if you keep saying no to new activities because of fear, you'll cheat yourself out of lots of other great times. So here's a better approach. When someone suggests a new activity, go ahead and say no if you're really not interested. But if you do want to try the activity, then stifle the urge to say no out of fear. Instead, acknowledge your fear . . . and then say yes. This approach is a very powerful and proven psychological technique. Here's how to reframe a new experience in your mind so you can see it as an opportunity rather than a threat: Consider the risks and ask yourself, "What's the worst that could happen?" For example, you might sprain an ankle on the bunny slope. You might find out you hate skiing. Or you might not have enough down time to recharge your batteries before work on Monday. Now, ask yourself, "Could I handle these worst-case scenarios?" Odds are you'll feel less fearful when you realize that you can cope if things go wrong. Next, think of all of the great things that might happen if you say yes. For example, maybe you'll meet your soul mate in the ski lodge, discover that you love skiing, or simply have fun sipping hot chocolate by a roaring fire. Finally, visualize yourself having fun. In your mind's eye, see yourself successfully zipping down the bunny slope. As you face your fear, be aware that your goal isn't to eliminate it. That's because the more you try to deny your fear, the stronger it'll get. Instead, work on growing your comfort zone. The bigger you can make that comfort zone, the less scared — and more excited — you'll be about trying new things.

Article / Updated 03-26-2016

As an introvert, you have lots of advantages in life. Granted, you may not feel that way when you're forced to make small talk with strangers at an inane social event, but you really do possess enviable qualities. This article takes a quick look at just a handful of them. You're comfortable being a party of one Extroverts like to travel in flocks, and they have a hard time enjoying movies, theater plays, or restaurant meals unless they have company. You, on the other hand, can happily read a book at a café, watch the latest blockbuster at a movie theater, or attend a Broadway show all by yourself. Likewise, an extrovert who's home alone for a long stretch is a sad, sad creature. But if you're an introvert who's on your own, you can find endless ways to entertain yourself. All you need is a book to read, a video to watch, an interesting recipe, or an antique table to refinish, and you can amuse yourself for hours without even noticing that no one else is there. You can stop and smell the roses Extroverts tend to hop quickly from one activity to another. On the upside, this means that they have lots and lots of fun experiences. But on the downside, it means that they sometimes miss out on life's quieter pleasures. If you're an introvert, on the other hand, you tend to think more deeply and move a little more slowly. And that allows you to admire a spider's web, contemplate a poem, or even take a little time to smell that rose. You have amazing friends Extroverts usually have a very wide circle of friends. However many of the people they count as friends are really just casual acquaintances. You, on the other hand, tend to form deep, strong bonds with a few carefully selected people. As a result, you create long-lasting relationships with friends who adore you — even if you never return their phone calls. You look before you leap Extroverts often rush optimistically into the unknown. But as a deep-thinking introvert, you're big on facts. So before you jump into a new adventure — whether it's starting your own business, getting married, or moving to a new city — you do your research. And that means you'll probably say "oops" a lot less often than your extroverted friends. You can be the calm in the center of the storm When things get crazy at work, the fur can really fly. Missed deadlines, high-pressure projects, and cost overruns can make everyone crazy, and that kind of stress can turn meetings into shouting matches. When tempers are short, you're in a good position to calm things down. That's because rather than jumping in and yelling, you're likely to sit back and analyze the situation. As a result, you can often suggest smart solutions or wise compromises — as long as you can overcome your introverted reluctance to speak up. You're a dreamer As an introvert, you turn inward for energy instead of turning outward, which makes you prone to daydreaming. And often, that's a good thing! It's true, of course, that too much daydreaming can be a problem (especially if the boss calls on you in a meeting). In fact, it's easy for you to develop "introvert ADD," which can cause trouble at work and at home. So you don't want to spend too much of your day in la-la land. However, daydreaming can also unleash your creativity and help you think outside the box. In fact, some of the greatest books, poems, and physics theories of all time have come from daydreaming introverts. So dream on. You really know your stuff A friend of mine once went to a lecture at a zoo given by a quiet but enthusiastic entomologist. Afterward, I asked how it went. "Wow," my friend replied, "that guy sure knows his stink bugs." Like this bug expert, introverts are often deeply knowledgeable about the topics that interest them. That's because introverts love learning, and they enjoy spending hours gathering facts. So no matter what topic fascinates you — whether it's Moroccan cooking, steam engines, or stink bugs — other people are likely to view you with respect as an authority. You don't need a babysitter Smart managers love introverted employees. Why? Because introverts don't require helicopter managers who'll hover over them. Unlike extroverts, who need frequent attention and praise like flowers need sunshine, an introvert mainly desires peace and quiet, long stretches of uninterrupted time, and just an occasional word of encouragement. You can avoid the parking lot crush At the end of any event — such as a conference, a workshop, a wedding — most people tend to hang around chatting. You, however, probably sit right by the doorway so you can beat feet as soon as things wrap up. As a result, you're likely to be halfway home before the rest of the crowd starts putting their keys in their ignitions. You intrigue people It's true! One of the most common comments that people make about introverts is that they're enigmatic or mysterious. And that's kind of cool, isn't it? Why do many introverts come across as mysterious? One reason is that they don't say much, so people have to guess what they're thinking. Another is that introverts tend not to show their emotions on their faces. Now, being mysterious can sometimes be a problem if you're an innie. For example, people may think you're being aloof or ignoring them, and you may not communicate what you need from them. (It is possible to be too enigmatic.) But other times, being quietly mysterious works to your advantage because it can make people think you're hiding intriguing secrets when you're really just thinking about something mundane, like whether you remembered to buy laundry detergent the last time you were at the store.

Article / Updated 03-26-2016

As an introvert, you're a deep thinker and you like to consider every angle of a problem. And that's a good thing — except when it leads to something called analysis paralysis. What is analysis paralysis? It's what happens when you get so carried away analyzing every aspect of a situation that you can't come to a decision. Instead, you just sit there, paralyzed, doing nothing. As an introvert, you're prone to analysis paralysis for a few reasons: You draw your energy from focusing inward, not outward. That means you spend a lot of time in your head, mulling your thoughts. And all that thinking can lead to excessive worry, especially about making wrong decisions. You're likely to be a "worst case scenario" kind of person and fret a lot about what could go wrong after you make a decision. As a result, you'll want to figure every detail out in advance. But that's impossible, and searching for guarantees will just leave you more anxious and paralyzed. You're skilled at research and planning, so you come up with more possible approaches to a problem. And the more choices you have, the harder it is to pick one. Analysis paralysis is bad news in the workplace, where it can keep you from starting and finishing your projects on time. And it's bad news in your personal life because it can keep you from moving ahead in relationships (or ending them when you should). In addition, the stress that analysis paralysis causes can give you headaches and leave you anxious and sleepless. At its worst, it can even make you depressed. Luckily, there are ways to prevent analysis paralysis — or to get over it if you find yourself avoiding a decision. Here are some of the best approaches: Set a firm deadline for making your decision, and stick to it. Tell other people to be ruthless with you if you don't. Don't seek perfection. Instead, assume that any project you undertake is likely to have a few flaws, and decide to be okay with that. Move from thinking to acting. Pick one part of your project that you can begin on, even if it's just a tiny part. (And when you do complete a step, reward yourself.) Often, you'll create enough momentum to move you forward. Figure out which decisions you need to make immediately and which you can postpone. Focus on the ones you need to make now and save the rest for later, even if you don't feel comfortable doing things this way. Finally, remind yourself that your project is more likely to fail if you don't make a timely decision than if you do. In other words, endlessly twiddling your thumbs is the worst of your choices, so take it off the table!