Joy Browne

Article / Updated 09-02-2021

Love. Amour. Amore. In popular fiction, the signs of true love tend toward the melodramatic: heart palpitations, loss of sleep, loss of appetite, blowing curtains, fireworks. If you feel these things, however, you're not so much in love as in lust. So lust aside, here's a sampling of the undeniable signs of true love — and good (emotional) health. You're willing to explain why you don't want to date others The issue isn't a willingness to be exclusive. It's a willingness to talk about and explain being exclusive. A surprisingly large number of people are surreptitiously monogamous, feeling that their willingness to forgo all others gives power to the partner. But when you're willing to admit that you're willing to share the power and admit your vulnerability (I really like you and hope you like me as much), not only are you in love, but you sound like a rational, fairly adult soul in the bargain. You're willing to ditch the dating app When you're ready to delete your Match.com profile or the dating app from your phone, you're essentially saying that no one else could hold a candle to your beloved. Getting rid of your online dating profile also says that you're unwilling to revisit past loves and that, in this relationship, there is no going back; you can only go forward. No fair deleting the dating profile but keeping people's contact information on your trusty laptop. A commitment is a commitment, and this is as much about self as other. If you pretend to forget the others but keep their names, then you're also pretending that you're committed. Grow up: If you're old enough to be taken seriously by someone you like, you're old enough to take yourself seriously. Committed adult relationships don't have room for manipulative games. You're willing to go somewhere you hate The willingness to go someplace you actually hate with someone you actually love — and not be a pain in the neck about it — is one of the hallmarks of love. When you first start to date, you're tempted to do whatever it takes to get the date off the ground because you're blinded by the possibilities. During the next phase of dating, you stand up for yourself and don't do the activity you hate. This is a necessary evolution because if there is to be true love, it has to be based on who you are, not who you think your beginning-to-be significant other will like. But once you actually get to love, your need to constantly assert yourself is softened by your beloved's influence and the sense that you can give because your love will reciprocate your generosity. You don't need to keep track on a day-to-day basis to make sure everything is 50-50. But the sense that there is fairness and equality and appreciation and respect means that your reluctance to do something you're not crazy about gets overwhelmed by your desire to do something with the person you love. In other words, the person becomes more important than the event. You're willing to save if you're frivolous and spend if you're frugal The point isn't really about money at all, but a willingness to examine fundamental beliefs as a direct result of valuing another person and their perspective and opinion. (Yeah, the same phenomenon can happen with friends, but because friends generally tolerate and celebrate differences, there's less motive or incentive for change.) Any good relationship changes us. If being around your beloved makes you examine or change some fundamental part of yourself, it may not be love in and of itself, but it does indicate respect, a willingness to learn from another, and a relationship in which you feel safe enough to try something foreign and scary. Forget about flattery or hypocrisy. Rather, you have the courage, strength, and energy to examine and experiment with a fundamental belief system, be it religion, politics, gun control, abortion, Chinese food, travel, having children, gardening, money, or any other position you used to consider inviolate. ("Money?" you say. Yep. It's hard to think of any one commodity that is more basic than money. If you think money is just green stuff that just sits there, you're wrong; it can represent power, lifestyle, control, options, freedom, interaction, and a whole lot more.) The idea of doing nothing together sounds terrific In the early stages of dating, there is a hunger to discover who the other person is, but this time also feels scary because he or she may not be what you thought or — even worse — you may not be what they're looking for. Even though the stakes aren't very high at the beginning, you might feel that they are, so you play at dating, and one of the easiest ways to play is to do something at all times — either publicly or privately. The dating ritual is about finding places to go and things to do. Once a couple is sexual, the thing to do is sexual, and everything else seems just a holding action until the couple can hit the sheets. Then when the initial flurry of sexual activity is over, there is a tendency to want to show each other off because you're feeling connected and proud. When the idea of doing nothing together is the coolest thing either of you can come up with, you're very likely in love, because you've gone through the other stages of terror, sex, and showing off. Now, the relationship is just about the two of you, not to the exclusion of everyone or anything else. In fact, your "normal" life has expanded to include each other, but the idea of simply being together is the most wonderful thing either of you can figure out to do — even out of bed. You're willing to risk being yourself Being yourself is really the ultimate sign. Everything else on the how-you-know-you're-in-love list hints at being yourself, but when you truly love someone, you want them to know who you are and love you for all that you are, not just for who you pretend to be. When you're in a truly loving relationship, you can be honest and direct and take chances. The tricky part of being in love is that it can encourage you to be yourself, but it ups the ante that you might make the person you love change their mind and leave if you show the real you. You want your beloved to be happy now and forever, and the only way to do that is to be who you really are. It's almost impossible to sustain an illusion over time, and because you are now truly in love, you wouldn't want to hurt your beloved by living a lie. But you also need to be a bit careful of what you confess. Remember that between honesty and duplicity is silence. If you're old enough to be in love, you're old enough to understand the occasional use of silence.

Cheat Sheet / Updated 09-02-2021

Dating doesn't have to be nerve-wracking, but it does require preparation. You must do some up-front soul searching to make sure you're ready to be honest, open, and attentive. You need a strong sense of your dating expectations so you can clearly communicate what you're looking for without setting the bar so high that no one can clear it. You must be cautious about how and where you meet potential dates, especially if you're looking online. Also, you should remember that a date is just a date — and it can actually be fun! Whether your long-term goal is to get married and start a family or to set sail around the world in a sailboat built for two, you start in the same place: on a first date.

Article / Updated 03-26-2016

Asking for a first date can be intimidating, but it's not the end of the world if the answer is no. To better the chances of getting a yes when you ask for a first date, stay flexible, keep things light, and use these tips: Ask for a Wednesday or Thursday night. Never ask for a first date for a Friday or Saturday night (too big as date nights) or Monday (everyone hates Mondays). Offer a specific opportunity (as well as alternative days). If you say, "Would you like to go out sometime?" you leave yourself absolutely no way out if the person says no, and if the answer is yes, you still have to ask the person out. Offer options. Options can include the day, time, activity, and transportation. Options make you sound organized without being rigid. Ask for a first date a week to ten days in advance (but you can break this rule with impunity as the need arises). Go for it when you're having a good day. You're cuter when you're happy, and self-confidence is sexy. Think KISS (Keep It Simple, Sweetie). All you want to do here is send a clear, gentle, but important message: I'd like to spend some time getting to know you better. Are you interested?

Article / Updated 03-26-2016

These days, you're almost as likely to meet a potential date online as in person. You may use an online dating site such as Match.com or eHarmony, or you may connect with friends of friends through Facebook or other social networking sites. There are plenty of positive reasons to look for dates online, but you have to stay safe. Here are some things to remember when you're part of the online dating pool: Any person you meet online is a stranger. No matter how often you write to each other online, you don't really begin to know this person until you meet face to face. Some people lie. In online dating profiles, people often fudge the truth about their age and weight, and the discrepancies usually aren't a huge deal. But some people lie about big stuff, like gender, occupation, and marital status. Again, anyone you meet online is a stranger until you meet face to face and start the process of really getting to know each other. Just as you'd never hand your home phone number and address to a stranger walking down the street, you should never give such personal information to a person you meet online. Save that exchange for after you've been on at least a few in-person dates. A blank computer screen is seductive. Beware the temptation to share more than you should, whether on your Facebook page, in an online chat room, or in a tweet stream. The Internet is forever, and you don't want to face long-term embarrassment for a spur-of-the-moment decision to post a comment or picture that's risqué or otherwise inappropriate. After you make an online connection, don't wait more than a week or two before arranging to see each other in person. Any longer than that, and you're just perpetuating a fantasy and building a false sense of intimacy. The first time you meet each other, make it a public place, and tell someone (a close friend or family member) where you'll be.

Article / Updated 03-26-2016

Our lives are defined by technology, and the dating scene certainly has changed because of it. The Internet, social networking sites, and cell phones are ubiquitous, but you have to use each of them with caution when you're meeting potential dates and going on dates. Here are some hints: Use common sense when posting information about yourself online. Your home address, photos of yourself when you were drunk and half-dressed, and your sexual fantasies have no place on the Internet. Censor yourself, or you'll live to regret it. Whether you meet a potential date online or in real life, do not Google that person or search for more information about him or her on social networking sites. If you meet on Facebook, obviously the info he or she has posted in the Facebook profile is fair game. But if you meet at school, don't assume that you have license to check out this person's online profiles. Take the time to get to know your potential date in real life so you don't make any assumptions based on what's posted online. Don't make a potential date your Facebook "friend" just yet. Doing so can create feelings of jealousy and a sense of over-familiarity that can doom a relationship before it starts. Don't badmouth your exes online. Any potential date can see that information and will feel pretty confident that you'd do the same thing if he or she ever crossed you. If you're hoping for a relationship, avoid long-distance connections online. If the person you're chatting with online lives more than 25 miles away from you, the two of you simply can't see each other often enough to have a stable relationship. Avoid online "shopping." If you meet someone you're interested in, give yourself a chance to get to know this person before trolling for more potential dates. The online dating pool is huge, but you'll never head in the direction of a relationship if you're constantly checking out who else is available. When you're on a date, turn off your cell phone. Yes, you read that right! Give your date your complete attention, and don't you dare sneak in some texting while your date isn't looking. After a date, don't text your date repeatedly hoping for confirmation that the date went well. You wouldn't call this person again and again, would you? (Would you?) Have some confidence in yourself, and give your date some breathing room. Keep your work life and your love life completely separate. That means no dating at work, but it also means to leave your office computer out of your online dating adventures. You don't want to lose your job while you're looking for love.

Article / Updated 03-26-2016

Dating doesn't have to turn your nerves upside down. Learn to manage your stress and make it work for you. To calm yourself and get ready to have a great time on your date, try these stress-busting techniques. Square breathing To relax before a date or any other potentially anxiety-ridden experience, try square breathing: Inhale to the count of four, hold to the count of four, exhale to the count of four, and hold for four. With practice, you can increase each side of the "square" to a count of eight or even twenty; the longer the count, the slower and more calming the breathing — just no gasping, please. Affirmations To calm yourself and quell any surges of anxiety, try an affirmation. Repeat after me: "I'm a fun, interesting, worthy person." "I deserve success and happiness." "A date is only a date — it's not do-or-die time." "I'm calm and fearless." "I will enjoy myself tonight, and my date will, too." "No one will know or care what happened on this date 500 years from now." "Life is either a daring adventure or nothing." (Helen Keller).

Article / Updated 03-26-2016

When you're on a date, flirting is a delightful way to make your date — and you, for that matter — feel irresistible and tingly all over. The point of flirting with your date is interest; that's why it's so alluring. Here are some flirting do's and don'ts: Use your whole body. Lean forward, make eye contact, smile, bend your knees a bit, and relax your hands and arms. Make very, very sure your breath is very, very sweet: no onions, garlic, coffee, or ciggy in the recent past. Make eye contact. Looking someone in the eyes is very alluring. And it makes your date feel like he or she has your undivided attention, which is as it should be. Smile, don't smirk. Smile openly and sincerely — it's irresistible. Pay attention. No looking like you're trying to remember if you fed the cat. Lighten up; don't bulldoze. Telling your date she or he is incredibly hot isn't flirting; it's steering your dating experience directly into a mountain. Focus on your partner, not yourself. Make your date feel as though every word is a pearl of wisdom. Enjoy yourself. Fun is the flirter's playground. And once you're having fun, it's easy to get others to play.