Pierre A. Lehu

Article / Updated 07-25-2023

An anonymous writer put it this way: "Friends in your life are like pillars on your porch. Sometimes they hold you up and sometimes they lean on you. Sometimes it's just enough to know they're standing by." Writer Elisabeth Foley points out that friendship doubles your joy and divides your grief, and that the most beautiful discovery that true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart. Easily the most important place to have a friend is in marriage. For that reason, marriage counselors continually advise husbands and wives to be friends, pointing out that you may divorce your spouse, but you don't divorce your friend. Friendship stabilizes relationships in the business and social worlds as well. A friendship is priceless and should be cherished, cultivated, and nurtured. Remembering the golden rule Without a doubt, the greatest human relations principle is to treat other people like you want to be treated. Friendship requires many qualities — unselfishness, genuine care for the other person, and the ability to listen when the other person needs to talk, to name a few. When you show respect for your friends and gratitude for their friendship, you'll be blessed in untold ways. Sometimes just being there — particularly in times of grief — can make a difference. Not knowing what to say doesn't matter; your presence speaks volumes and says everything that needs to be said. People need to share their grief and love to share their joy. If friends were there only for those two occasions, they would still be invaluable. Although the way you treat others affects the way they treat you, the way another person treats you shouldn't determine the way you treat that person. Respond to rude behavior with the utmost kindness. You can't know what has gone on in the rude person's life that day, but you can assume that his or her day hasn't gone well. Maybe a loved one lost his job, her boss reprimanded her unjustly, he's coming down with the flu, or she just found out that her teenager is doing drugs. Whatever the cause of the rudeness, you don't have to accentuate the problem. A kind word or a gentle, understanding smile may help the person more than returned rudeness would. When people are rude and ugly to you, they're probably hurting; they aren't looking to hurt you. Giving more, getting more Here's a story that communicates a great message about friendship: A city man bought a farm. When he went out to look at the line fence, which had been the source of much quarreling for the previous owner, the neighboring farmer said, "That fence is a full foot over on my side." "Very well," said the new owner, "we will set the fence two feet over on my side." "Oh, but that's more than I claim," stammered the surprised farmer. "Never mind about that. I would much rather have peace with my neighbor than two feet of earth," said the man. "That's surely fine of you, sir," replied the farmer, "but I couldn't let you do a thing like that. That fence just won't be moved at all." Most people seldom think through each situation completely and consider the other person's point of view. If you take the time and effort to do this, you'll end up with more friends. Considering foes as friends A friend looks after your own good, is attached to you by affection, and entertains other sentiments of esteem. On the other hand, a foe is someone who isn't interested in your well-being. Yet some students view their teachers as enemies. However, a student's success in school partly depends on the teacher's effectiveness in the classroom. Instead of being an enemy, a teacher who corrects you and helps you to achieve can be the best friend you ever had. When you receive criticism, in many cases the critic turns out to be more of a friend than a person who praises, because the criticism prompts you to improve. If you properly evaluate each piece of criticism you receive, odds are that you realize that those people really are friends. This kind of thinking, along with a little attitude adjustment, helps you to convert foes to friends, and both of you are better off. Making friends by being an optimist Do you enjoy being around a pessimist, someone who is generally described as being able to brighten up a room just by leaving it? The answer is obvious. Most people prefer to be around people who believe that tomorrow is going to be better than today, rather than people who believe that today is even worse than yesterday. Optimists spread cheer wherever they go and make others feel good about themselves. That's a guaranteed way to make friends. Capturing the pleasing personality Virtually every time you say that so-and-so has "charisma," you're really talking about so-and-so's great personality. When he walks into a room, he has a presence — not just looks — that attracts attention from people around him. Or when she's in a crowd, you soon hear a soft buzz coming from the area where she is. How do you develop a pleasing personality? Here are some steps you can take: Smile when you see someone. You don't have to give a wide grin — just a pleasant, friendly smile. Speak in a pleasant, upbeat tone of voice. Talk to people as if they are good friends, even if they don't really fall into that category yet. Take a course in public speaking. The ability to express yourself attracts favorable attention from many sources. Develop a sense of humor. Pick up a couple of joke books. This makes you a little more outgoing and friendly. When you combine that quality with the ability to express yourself before a group, your confidence grows. Don't criticize unjustly Linus (of Peanuts fame) appeared with his security blanket in tow and asked Lucy, "Why are you always so anxious to criticize me?" Lucy's response: "I just think I have a knack for seeing other people's faults." Exasperated with that answer, Linus threw up his hands and asked, "What about your own faults?" Lucy didn't hesitate: "I have a knack for overlooking them." Instead of being eager to dish out criticism all the time, take the humane, sensible approach. Look for the good in other people. Encourage them. Build them up. Be a good-finder, not a fault-finder.

Article / Updated 05-11-2022

If a couple tries to conceive but can’t seem to do it, one of the first things that doctors look for is a problem with the man’s sperm. Sperm compose about 5 to 10 percent of semen, and are the only part of the semen that can cause pregnancy. If a man is infertile, there is a problem with his sperm — often a low sperm count or low motility. Sometimes, male infertility can be treated. Just because testicles look normal doesn’t mean that they are fully functioning. The most common problems of male infertility are: Low sperm count, which means that the man isn’t producing enough sperm Low motility, where the sperm he is producing lack sufficient ability to swim to the egg The basis for the problems may be abnormal sperm production, which can be difficult to treat, or that the testicles are too warm. Heat is known to decrease sperm count, so the solution could be as simple as changing the style of underwear from tighty-whities (briefs) to boxers. Another cause can be a blockage somewhere along the line, which may be corrected through surgery. Interestingly enough, most semen analysis is done by gynecologists, specialists in the female reproductive system. A gynecologist is usually the first person a woman consults when she has problems getting pregnant. Commonly, the gynecologist asks that the man’s sperm be analyzed. If the tests reveal a problem with the sperm, the man is sent to a urologist for further evaluation.

Article / Updated 10-08-2021

Many people have an idea what their measurements are, but rather than assume you know, it's best to get an accurate measurement. Going to a tailor will give you more accurate measurements, but you can certainly get a close approximation handling the measuring tape yourself. The measurements you definitely need are your chest, waist, hips, and inseam. You may also want to take your thigh and upper arm measurements. The process for getting your body measurements is simple. For example, knowing how to measure waist and hips is common knowledge, but many folks don't know exactly where to start and stop the measurement for a more accurate result. When taking these measurements, use a cloth tape measure, not a metal one. Make sure that, when you circle your chest, waist, or hips, the tape is level and neither too tight nor too loose. Also measure yourself on your bare skin, not over clothes. And this may sound silly, but don’t trust your memory — write the measurements down! Place the tape measure at these locations to get accurate measurements. How to measure waist, hips, chest, and more The diagram above depicts the most appropriate locations to begin and end measurement for the different areas of your body. Often, people will measure at the wrong location and get false results. For example, when measuring your waist, some people take the measurement below the belly button when your natural waistline is located above the belly button! Check out the easy-to-follow instructions for getting accurate measurements for each body part below: Chest: Measure the circumference of your chest. Place one end of the tape measure at the fullest part of your chest, wrap it around (under your armpits, around your shoulder blades, and back to the front) to get the measurement. Waist: Measure the circumference of your waist. Use the tape to circle your waist (as a belt would) at your natural waistline, which is located above your belly button and below your rib cage. (If you bend to the side, the crease that forms is your natural waistline.) Don’t suck in your stomach, or you’ll get a false measurement. If you generally fasten your clothes below your waist, take that measurement as well. Hips: Measure the circumference of your hips. Start at one hip and wrap the tape measure around your rear, around the other hip, and back to where you started. Make sure the tape is over the largest part of your buttocks. Because making sure the tape is level back there can be hard, do it in front of a mirror if you can. Inseam: This is the distance from the uppermost inner part of your thigh to the bottom of your ankle. You can measure your inseam in two ways. With help: While you’re wearing a pair of pants, have a friend stretch the tape from your crotch to the bottom of your ankle. Without help: If you have a pair of pants that fit you perfectly (they shouldn’t be too loose around the waist), measure the inseam of the pants, again from the crotch to the hem. The proper inseam on a pair of pants you’re going to purchase will depend on the height of the heel you’ll be wearing with them. Thigh: Measure the circumference of the fullest part of your thigh. Wrap the tape measure around your thigh from front to back and then around to the front. You may be tempted to cheat by lowering the tape measure a few inches, but then you won’t get an accurate measurement. Upper arm: Measure the circumference of your arm. Wrap the tape measure around the widest part of your upper arm from front to back and around to the start point. Sleeve length: Get help for this one; it’s hard to do yourself. Place your hand at your waist (your elbow should be bent at a 90-degree angle). Then start at the middle of the back of your neck and measure to your shoulder, down your arm to the elbow, and then on to the wrist. You may need a family member or friend to assist you with the measurements. If you have a garment that fits perfectly, measuring the garment rather than your body can be a good substitute.

Article / Updated 03-26-2016

A common misconception is that when a couple's children leave home, Mom and Dad will develop empty-nest syndrome. Yes, they may have an empty nest, but for some couples, their love life blossoms during this period of their lives. The victims of the syndrome are the couples whose relationship falls apart when they're the only two left at home. Empty-nest syndrome takes years to develop. It starts when a couple begins to drift apart but stays together because of the children. Couples like this may appear to have "the perfect marriage," but it's actually a façade, and the only level on which they connect involves their children. They most likely aren't having sex. All of their conversations revolve around the children, as do many of their activities together. When that connection disappears because their children have set off on their own, they are left with an empty relationship. More often than not, anger takes the place of the emotions they spent on the children, and such couples divide their time between not talking and fighting. Couples facing this issue might choose to stay together, but they could be better off separated. Often, too much damage has been done to their relationship for it to be repaired. And as for a sex life, the likelihood is very, very small, unless the motivation is only for their own satisfaction. But as far as "making love," the chances are even more remote. If two people have spent little time interacting outside of activities involving their children, have become completely bored with each other, or have been torn apart by addictive behavior, then they are undoubtedly going to suffer from empty-nest syndrome. But if a couple can recognize these traps, they can take the necessary steps to repair their relationship so as to avoid becoming victims of this syndrome. Is there any hope for a couple affected by empty-nest syndrome? Yes, but only if both partners really have the will to overcome the distance between themselves. Usually at this point they resent almost everything about their partner. Overcoming such a hurdle is difficult. One suggestion is for them to take an extended vacation and see if they can rediscover the love they first had for each other. If they can light a small spark, they may have a chance. But if all they do is fight the whole time they're on vacation, then rather than waste time in a relationship that's going nowhere, they may as well split up and begin a new phase of their lives.

Article / Updated 03-26-2016

Many women start out with a low sex drive. Others have problems after they've had children. Still others don't begin to have such problems until after menopause. A number of women also have low desire after surgery to remove their ovaries (oophorectomy) or the uterus (hysterectomy). Low desire needn't mean no sex For the partner who has a very low or nonexistent desire for sex, be it the woman or the man, the problem is not as acute as it is for the partner who does want to have sex. He or she is left being constantly frustrated, relying on self-pleasuring, or finding another partner. In the first two instances, the marriage often suffers, because the anger from the frustrated partner usually spills over into other areas. The last choice usually spells the end of the marriage. Many experts strongly believe that something needs to be done when one person has a very low desire for sex. It is rare that two people have exactly the same level of desire for sex, so most couples have to compromise somewhat. But "somewhat" cannot equal sex every other month. You can treat the problem The cure for such a lack of desire depends on the cause: Depression: If a woman suffers from depression, then she's not going to want to have sex. If she gets help for her depression first, then her libido will probably go up by itself. A woman may also suffer depression after a hysterectomy, equating the loss of her uterus with the loss of youth, femininity, and beauty. If her ovaries are also removed, the woman is thrown into "early menopause," which brings its own set of problems. If you are feeling low and have recently had a total hysterectomy, speak with your doctor and consider counseling. Childbirth: A new mom sometimes gets so emotionally tied up with her baby, not to mention so tired from lack of sleep, that she loses interest in sex. The dad, who may have stopped having sex with her during the last month or two of pregnancy, and who gave her the time she needed to recover from the effects of giving birth, may begin to get testy after several months have gone by. Although new mothers may have some very good excuses, it is often a mistake to use them. You may have to make a conscious effort to put the spark back into your sex life, and you should do it. Get a grandparent to baby-sit (they'll love it) or hire a baby-sitter and go out with your husband for a romantic evening. If the baby is a light sleeper, or if there are other distractions in the house, rent a motel room. But don't just let sex slide. A new mom without a husband is not a good position to be in. Menopause: The production of a woman's sex hormones declines during menopause, causing certain side effects that can affect a woman's sex life. But menopause does not have to mean an end to sex. In fact, many women find they have a stronger desire for sex after menopause because they no longer have to worry about becoming pregnant. Plus, this is a time when women and their husbands have more privacy because their kids have grown up and moved out. You may have to make some adjustments for menopause, like using a lubricant, but you can still have a satisfactory sex life.

Article / Updated 03-26-2016

Revealing one's homosexuality is never easy — for young or old — but the process can be particularly difficult for teens, who are dependent on their families and have not yet established their own private lives with their own place to live and a job to provide financial support. In fact, the rates of suicide for young homosexuals are much higher than for heterosexuals of the same age, in great part because many can't cope when faced with rejection from their families. No two families react the same way when a son or a daughter comes out of the closet. Some parents may have suspected their child's homosexual orientation for a while and learned to accept it, so they have a general sense of relief that the subject is out in the open. Other parents react very negatively, upset that many of their expectations for their child — the traditional heterosexual marriage followed by grandchildren — have suddenly disappeared. They may also react negatively, in part because they feel that their child's homosexuality reflects badly on them (and the way they raised that child) in the eyes of the rest of the family as well as friends and neighbors. In some families, the reaction is split, with one parent accepting the son or daughter's announcement and the other going so far as to cut off all contact. Teens should understand that being a parent isn't easy, and because the expectations of most parents are turned topsy-turvy by the announcement that their child is gay, it's normal for them to have some mixed emotions in the beginning. Getting past those feelings and working with your parents, and perhaps a counselor, to rebuild family unity is the key — and to do that, you need to be prepared. If you're forewarned about how your family may react, and have been told ways to handle these reactions, you're much more likely to end up being accepted by your family. If you're gay and haven't revealed your sexual identity to your family, immediately find a counselor who has worked with other gay teens facing this problem to give you guidance. The counselor's experience in this area can be invaluable to you in obtaining the best possible results from your circumstances.

Article / Updated 03-26-2016

Not every ailment is visible, and one of the most common problems that affect sexual functioning is a heart attack. Overcoming fear You may well have heard rumors of famous men who died because of a heart attack while in the throws of passion. For the average person who suffers a heart attack or undergoes heart surgery or even has angina, problems with sex almost always result. It's not that these people don't want to have sex; it's that they're afraid. They worry that, as a result of engaging in intercourse or having an orgasm, they will trigger another heart attack — this time, a fatal one. This is not a groundless fear. Certainly, for a time after you had a heart attack, your doctor may not allow you to have sex. But just because you're given the green light, doesn't mean that you will feel ready. It doesn't take much to make a man lose his ability to have an erection, so you can imagine that the fear of provoking a heart attack would certainly be sufficient to cause impotence. For women, the usual problem is anorgasmia, the inability to have an orgasm, which is equally understandable. The best treatment for fear of sex after a heart attack is reassurance by your physician or cardiologist. This should take place in the hospital while you are still recuperating. Sexual performance is almost always a concern of someone who has had heart problems; it helps speed recovery if your fears can be alleviated as quickly as possible. If you need further tests to determine what you can and cannot do, then, by all means, you should get them. No doctor should consider the loss of sex as no big deal, because it is a big deal — not only for the patient, but also for the patient's partner. Some experts believe that one way to overcome the fears associated with sex is to make masturbation the first step and slowly work your way up to intercourse. Masturbation is also something that you can perform on your partner so that he or she doesn't have to be sexually frustrated during your recovery. It may not all be in your head Fear isn't the only factor that could be causing impotence. Heart problems are usually accompanied by vascular problems, and — because a man's erection is caused by blood flowing into the penis — sometimes the impotence a man experiences after a heart attack has physical rather than mental causes. Angina, shortness of breath, and palpitations are problems associated with heart conditions, and, although they may not be deadly, they can certainly put a crimp in your sex life. Very often these symptoms show up after you've had an orgasm, during the period that your heartbeat is on its way down. Now, if every time you have an orgasm you get an angina attack, which is a sharp pain in the chest area, then that's not going to improve your desire for sex, is it? Here, again, you should consult with your physician or cardiologist. Don't be ashamed to ask specific questions. Your doctor may have suggestions that can help you have a relatively normal sex life, and you have every right to find out. What can you do? Here are some specific tips that may help you if you have heart trouble. If you have a heart condition, don't engage in sexual activity when you're angry or under a lot of stress. At these times, the heart is already beating faster, and sex would only tax its abilities even more. See if one of the new drugs like calcium channel blockers or beta-blockers can be prescribed for you. These drugs can make sex easier on your heart. Some heart patients decide for themselves to take their medication, like propranolol (Inderal) or nitroglycerin, before having sex, thinking that they can prevent heart troubles. Do not attempt such techniques without first checking with your physician. (Propranolol is used on a schedule, so taking it out of schedule could be risky.) The medications that are prescribed for heart conditions, such as beta-blockers, antihypertensives, and diuretics, can cause sexual functioning problems of their own. Sometimes your doctor can prescribe alternative medicines that will still be effective without getting in the way of your sexual functioning, so ask questions of your cardiologist.

Article / Updated 03-26-2016

One out of four Americans between the ages of 15 and 55 will contract at least one sexually transmitted disease. The more you know, the more you can prevent this from happening to you. Below, two incurable diseases are discussed. Genital warts Nearly two million people in the United States are infected every year with genital warts, which are caused by the human papilloma virus (HPV). Genital warts are spread through vaginal, anal, and oral intercourse. They can also be passed on to infants during childbirth. Not always able to be seen, the warts are soft and flat; they grow on the genitals, in the urethra, the inner vagina, the anus, or the throat. The warts often itch and, if allowed to grow, can block openings of the vagina, anus, or throat, causing discomfort. Because genital warts are often unseen, they can easily be passed onto sexual partners. Genital warts can be treated in several ways, including topical medical creams. In cases of either large or persistent warts, other treatments may include surgical removal, freezing using liquid nitrogen, or cauterization by electric needles; however, the warts often recur. Herpes Herpes, which is caused by the Herpes simplex virus (HSV), is another incurable STD. With half a million new cases reported each year, anywhere from 5 to 20 million Americans have been infected with this disease. Herpes actually has two forms: herpes-1 and herpes-2, although 1 is most often associated with cold sores and fever blisters "above the waist." The most common symptoms arise from a rash with clusters of white, blistery sores appearing on the vagina, cervix, penis, mouth, anus, or other parts of the body. This rash can cause pain, itching, burning sensations, swollen glands, fever, headache, and a run-down feeling. These symptoms may return at regular intervals, sometimes caused by stress, menstrual periods, or other reasons that are not well understood. Most people think that herpes is contagious only when the sores are present, but studies have shown that some people may spread the disease even when they have no sores. During pregnancy, herpes may cause miscarriage or stillbirth, and the disease can be passed on to newborns. If the sores are active during childbirth, there are serious health consequences for the babies. To avoid these consequences, cesarean sections are usually performed when active sores are seen during the time of childbirth. If you have herpes, you should always use a condom when having sex, unless your partner already has the disease. Although you should always use a condom, you should know that condoms can't entirely protect you from herpes. If the man has the disease, and the only sores are on his penis, then a condom can protect the woman. However, because vaginal secretions may leak over the pelvic area not protected by the condom, the condom does not protect men as much. Herpes can spread beyond genital contact, including to other parts of the already-infected person's body. If you touch a herpes sore, always wash your hands thoroughly before touching anyone else or any other part of your body. Be aware that oral herpes can be transmitted by kissing, sharing towels, or drinking from the same glass or cup. Although herpes has no cure, it is important to see a doctor if you suspect that you have the disease. You should see a doctor both to make sure that herpes really is the cause of the symptoms and to learn how to live with herpes and not spread it to others. If you're the infected person, the doctor can give you a set of rules to follow to help keep you from contaminating others or other parts of your body.

Article / Updated 03-26-2016

When children ask why people have sex, they often hear about love and expanding on that love by starting a family. Those reasons for sex are pretty accurate, although they leave out some of the finer points. With a more mature viewpoint, it's worthwhile to consider the finer points about why people have sex. Making babies: Biologically, people are hard-wired to have sex in order to keep the human race going. In other words, at its heart, sex is about making babies — generally and historically speaking. With the advent of contraception, sex and pregnancy aren't inextricably linked. If you absolutely, positively don't want to make a baby, then don't have sexual intercourse — be abstinent. No birth control is foolproof. Enjoying a sensory experience: Many people engage in sex for the sensory experience, the wide range of physical and emotional pleasures that a person can derive from sexual activity. Partnering up: Sex can play a role in forming a bond with another person, which is yet another need that humans have. For love and the long haul: The drive to find someone to love remains a strong one. Part of the glue that holds longtime love together is sex.

Article / Updated 03-26-2016

What's the right age to start having sex? When to start having intercourse (or any other type of sex) is a very difficult and serious decision to make. Some people believe you must wait until you're married before having sex. Other people may not have a problem with premarital sex. You're the only one who can decide for yourself — although there are important factors to consider in that decision. Many adults will tell teenagers to be abstinent — to wait until they are married before having sex. At the same time, sex before marriage is commonplace in today's world. Consequently, far too many young women are becoming single mothers, a difficult and expensive life for both mother and child. Making the decision to have sex The most important thing about deciding to have sex or not is not to rush into anything. Think about your decision carefully and weigh the pros and cons. Your relationship with this potential partner will have a lot to do with your decision. The relationship aspects of being a couple are just as confusing and messy as the sexual ones. It's easy to say that you're boyfriend and girlfriend, but exactly what that means during your teens is very subjective. Some young people want so badly to have a boyfriend or girlfriend that they'll link up with someone they don't even like. Remember these straightforward guidelines when making your decision: Never, never have sex because somebody pressures you into it. If you're with somebody who says that he or she will stop seeing you unless you have sex, then you know what the right decision is: First, stop seeing that person, and certainly never have sex with him or her. That person isn't interested in you, but in sex. If the person you're with says that he or she is "dying" with the need to have sex, remember: No one has ever died from not having sex, but you could die if you have sex with a person who gives you AIDS or cervical cancer (which is associated with human papillomavirus, or HPV). Remember, you will never forget the first time you have sexual intercourse. So be as certain as you can be that, when you "do it" for the first time, the occasion is one that you'll treasure for the rest of your life — not one that you'll regret forever more. If you have followed your best judgment in making your decision, no one can say whether your decision, whatever it is, was absolutely right or wrong. Only time and your own life's experience will tell. Is this person worth it? Perhaps you have already had sex for the first time, but you're trying to decide about a new potential partner. How do you decide whether someone is worthy? Here are some possible questions you may ask yourself. There are no right or wrong answers here, but if the overall tone of your answers skews toward the negative, then consider getting to know the person better before engaging in sexual intercourse. What parts of me does this person activate? My head? My heart? My loins? Two out of three? One out of three? Will I want to keep the lights off, so this person doesn't see the parts of me I don't like, or on, so I can see all of this other person? I could use a shower. Will this person care? After getting undressed, will I care? Where do I see us as a couple one month from now? Six months from now? Ten years from now? If something goes wrong and neither one of us has an orgasm, will I ever want to see this person again? What will I think about myself in the morning?