Vivian Harte

Cheat Sheet / Updated 02-28-2022

Self-esteem is how you feel about yourself as a person. It comes from an inner knowledge that you are competent, confident, and worthy of a good life. You gain self-esteem by understanding yourself and the value you have. With a strong sense of self-worth, you recognize that you can accomplish what you desire to do and be, that you have the ability to be successful in relationships, and that you are happy with who you are.

Article / Updated 12-28-2021

The core beliefs that formed your sense of self-worth as a child are just that — beliefs. They’re not necessarily true or accurate. They’re only your opinions. As opinions, they can be changed. Healthy self-esteem and low self-esteem are two sides of the same coin. They both activate certain rules for living that either help you or hurt you. If you have healthy self-esteem, you Learn from past successes and look forward to future successes Care for yourself physically, emotionally, and mentally Create goals in your life and work toward them Appreciate your positive qualities Accept responsibility for your actions Have confidence that you can accomplish things, even if it takes more than one try Feel capable of meeting life’s everyday challenges Are happy and sure of yourself On the other hand, if you have low self-esteem, you Compare yourself negatively with others Are anxious, stressed, and worry a lot Need others’ approval Fear speaking up at meetings Fear confrontation with others Are shy to talk with others you don’t know Focus on your shortcomings in the past Have doubts about your worth Taking care of yourself Caring for yourself is one of the characteristics of having a healthy level of self-esteem. You can nurture yourself to create more happiness in your life and raise your self-esteem. Take care of your body by eating healthy foods, doing enough exercise, and getting regular, deep sleep. Focus on positive emotions by shifting negative feelings that drain you to feelings that uplift and encourage you. Change your thoughts by talking to yourself in a loving manner. One of the most common ways people experience low self-esteem is in the way they consider their body image. You must reconnect with the positive aspects of your body, while appreciating the real beauty that is on the inside. Looking at positive and negative self-talk Your sense of self-esteem is expressed through your inner thoughts. The statements you make to yourself determine how you value yourself and how successful you are in your life. This internal voice inside your head influences everything you experience. Negative Self-Talk Positive Self-Talk I am stupid. I have strong abilities. I can’t do it, so why try? I know I can do it. I can’t speak up. I’m speaking up more all the time. I’m too nervous to focus. I’m remaining calm and relaxed. I’m never going to get a good job. I have confidence that I’ll get just the right job for me. Your mind deceives you in several ways to make you believe you have little value: Mind-reading Predicting a negative outcome Overgeneralizing Labeling yourself Blaming yourself Focusing on the negative and discounting the positive Using “shoulds” Do you use any or all of these in your everyday thinking? If so, it’s time to transform your thoughts into optimistic and positive ones. Discarding unsuccessful strategies for improvement You may feel you can improve your self-esteem by seeking approval from others. You seek reassurance that people like you, and you try to please others by doing everything they ask, even if you don’t want to. You feel insecure and may try to counter these feelings by becoming the center of attention. You may use your education and workplace achievements to try to improve your sense of self-worth. You may earn more academic degrees or strive to get a better job at a more prestigious company. Both of these may lead to greater competence in the workplace, but if you haven’t dealt with the underlying causes of your lack of self-esteem, you’ll find that once in the workplace, you may not believe you deserve the job you have, or you may procrastinate and belittle yourself if you make any mistakes, no matter how small. In fact, if you’re like many people who have low self-esteem, you may feel you must be perfect at everything. If you aren’t, you criticize yourself mercilessly, and your productivity actually decreases over time. You suffer from perfectionism, frequently using negative self-talk that says you must do things perfectly all the time and that you’re not worth anything if you don’t do everything flawlessly. Considering whether you can have too much self-esteem Is it possible to have such strong self-esteem that your confidence and pride are detrimental? Yes, this can happen. Pride can result in a large ego, one that demands that you’re always right and must be obeyed. When you have a sense of self-worth that is too strong, you interrupt others when they’re speaking, try to impose your position on others, make decisions for others, and find fault with others without regard to their feelings. You’d rather cause harm or inconvenience to others than bring harm or inconvenience to yourself. You may even use threats, such as “You’d better” and “If you don’t watch out,” as well as sarcasm and put-downs like “Oh, come on, you must be joking” and “You should have.” Your body language includes leaning forward with glaring eyes, pointing a finger, and using a raised or haughty tone of voice. You may even go so far as to humiliate others. Your aggressive manner encourages others to treat you in a fearful and defensive way. Obviously, you don’t want to go this far. Having healthy self-esteem means being respectful of others and expressing what you want in a kind manner.

Article / Updated 06-29-2021

Here’s how perfectionism works: First, you have low self-esteem. Then in order to deal with this feeling, you set unrealistic and unattainable goals to prove once and for all to yourself and to others that you do have value and that you are competent and important. But because the goals are impossible, you fail. This failure leads to feelings of anger at yourself. If only you had spent more time, if only you had tried harder, you could have reached these goals. This anger turns into even greater low self-esteem. So you try again. You set even higher unrealistic goals, fail to meet them, experience even more profound anger at yourself, and your low self-esteem takes a deeper nose-dive. Eventually, you may give up and avoid even trying to reach your goals at all because you consider yourself such a failure. Perfectionism manifests in many different ways. After you read the following list, use your notebook to keep track of all the perfectionist tendencies, thoughts, and behaviors you have for a week. Every evening before you go to sleep, review the day and write down each time you felt you hadn’t done something well enough, each time you saw yourself as a failure or not good enough, and the thoughts that went through your mind when these things were happening. After a week, look at your list and note which tendencies, thoughts, and behaviors were the most frequent. Then write about how you and those around you are hurt by what you observed about yourself. Feeling deeply upset if you make any mistakes Being a perfectionist means that you believe that perfection definitely can and should be achieved at all times. None of this mamby-pamby “Everyone makes mistakes” for you! Even if the task isn’t something you have much interest in, you think that you should be the best at it because you should be the best in everything you do. Thinking you’re stupid if you perform imperfectly If you’re a perfectionist, you believe that something is wrong with you if you do anything that isn’t flawless. You must perform at 100 percent in everything you do or you may be considered “average,” which is a terrible thing to be. Rarely letting others help with your projects Because it’s crucial that everything be done to the highest level of attainment, it’s very difficult for you to let others help you in anything you do. You must see it through to the end, making sure that every little detail is done correctly. Waiting to do things at the last minute — or maybe not at all If you have perfectionist tendencies, when you fear you’re going to fail, you put off doing what needs to be done. You procrastinate. You’re so immobilized with anxiety and dread that something will go wrong, you can’t find the motivation to get started on what you need to accomplish. Being defensive if others criticize you If perfectionism is something you live with every day, your self-esteem is low and you’re basically an insecure person. You have a sense of inadequacy. These feelings of incompetence lead you to need to prove yourself through what you do. Your desire to be perfect, to show others that you are very capable, is the longing to make a positive statement about yourself. Handling relationships poorly You’re actually scared of people because they can point out that you’re imperfect and incompetent. This doesn’t lead to close relationships. It leads to isolation and loneliness. You have a difficult time opening up to people. You feel deep down that you must remain strong and in control of your emotions at all times. So you can’t talk with others about your worries, shortcomings, and frustrations.

Article / Updated 06-29-2021

How you relate to your peers often determines your self-image. All children compare themselves with the other children they’re around. And especially during the teen years, peers can be more important than family to the opinions children form of themselves. Many experiences with our peers can affect our self-concept. Here are the most significant ones: Your physical appearance may have had a lot to do with your sense of self-worth. Were you considered pretty or handsome and complimented often for your looks? Were others easily attracted to you as a teenager? Or was your face not the prettiest? Your size too small or too large? Did you have skin problems that made you feel ashamed? Were you too tall or too short? All of these may have led to a sense that you weren’t good enough. Familial, financial, and social circumstances also influence people’s views of themselves. Children and teenagers commonly compare their house and clothes to those of other people in their classrooms. How did yours compare? Did you have a lot of friends, or were you a loner? Did you have an active social life, or did you stay home most of the time as a child? Were you bullied? Did children taunt you in school or chase you down to hurt you? Now, children torment each other over social media, email, and texting. All of these can affect one’s sense of self. How did you do in school? Did you get good grades and thrive? Were you congratulated by your parents or teachers, or did you win awards? Or did you lag behind other children? If so, you may have felt you were stupid and couldn’t keep up. In your notebook, write the answers to the questions regarding your relationships with your peers and at school. In the end, answer this question: Overall, did your experiences with peers and in school lead to a sense of healthy self-esteem or low self-esteem? These may be difficult experiences to face. Yes, you have most likely experienced some things that have hurt you and led to a sense of low self-worth, but you can overcome them, leaving the past in the past.

Article / Updated 06-28-2021

Writing effective affirmations doesn't have to be a difficult or tedious process. Find a quiet place where you can be alone and can focus on crafting these important statements that will bolster your self-esteem. Keep the following in mind: Choose one negative thought you have about yourself and write down the positive opposite that counteracts that belief. For example, you may often think, “I make so many mistakes.” In this case, you would write an affirmation like, “I am capable and experienced.” Make your affirmations short so they’re easier for you to remember. Even statements as short as four or five words can be powerful. Start your affirmations with “I” or “My.” Because you’re making a statement about yourself, it’s most effective if it starts with you. “I choose to be positive” is much better than “Positive thoughts are coming into my mind.” Write your affirmations in the present tense. Write as though you’re experiencing what you desire right now, not in the future. For example, “I easily see my own worth and value” is better than “I will easily see my own worth and value.” It’s also better not to put a time frame on your affirmation, such as a certain date or “within three months,” because doing so limits your time to make it happen. Don’t begin your affirmations with “I want” or “I need.” You don’t want to affirm that you’re wanting and needing. Rather, write your affirmations as an expression of being grateful for already having and being what you want. Make sure all of your affirmations are positive statements. If you tell yourself you are discarding negative behavior and thoughts, your focus will be on those rather than on what you want to do and be. Don’t include words like “don’t,” “won’t,” “am not,” “can’t,” “not,” “doesn’t,” or “am stopping.” Instead of “I’m eliminating my miserable thoughts,” create an affirmation such as, “I’m happy being who I am.” Add emotion to your affirmations by inserting, “I am [emotion] about . . .” or “I feel [emotion].” For example, you could say, “I am excited about being able to express what I think.” Create affirmations that will work. If you don’t believe your statement, you’ll take timid actions and be hesitant, certain that you won’t be able to succeed. If you write an affirmation that is truly difficult for you to believe, write another one that starts with, “I am open to . . .” or “I am willing to believe I could . . . .” You can also create an affirmation that is close enough to your current situation to be realistic and achievable, such as, “I am speaking up one or two times at future meetings I attend.” Positive words to use in your affirmations Let's get positive, people! Saying and thinking affirmations often is one of the most valuable ways to change your self-talk. If you say uplifting things to yourself that help you reach your goals and reflect the sense of self-worth that you’re developing, you’ll head in a new and healthier direction. Following are some tips for writing your own affirmations: Choose a negative thought and write its positive opposite. Make your affirmations only a few words long. Start your affirmations with “I” or “My.” Write your affirmations in the present tense. Write as though you’re grateful for already having and being what you want. Make all your affirmations positive statements. Add emotion to your affirmations. Create affirmations that are realistic and achievable. To help you start writing positive affirmations, try using some of the following words: Amazed Empowered Happy Optimistic Thankful Appreciated Energetic Harmonious Passionate Understanding Appreciative Enthusiastic Inspired Positive Unlimited Confident Excited Invigorated Powerful Uplifted Courageous Expanded Joyous Proud Vibrant Creative Exuberant Lovable Radiant Vivacious Delighted Focused Loving Renewed Warm Dynamic Fortunate Luxurious Serene Wise Eager Free Open Strong Worthy Even if you feel silly saying your affirmations at first, keep going. There's no harm in being positive and taking a few moments out of each day to encourage and celebrate the most important person in your life — you!

Article / Updated 06-28-2021

All of the famous people below could have let a sense of low self-worth keep them down. Instead, they chose to prevail over substantial difficulties, negative events, and feelings they had. They triumphed over their problems, and so can you. Helen Keller (1880–1968) She had perfect sight and hearing until she was about 1-1/2 years old. She contracted an illness that is now believed to have been either scarlet fever or meningitis. Thereafter, she had no sight or hearing. Her teacher, Anne Sullivan, arrived when she was 6 years old. At age 7, she attended the Perkins Institute for the Blind. Later, she and her teacher moved to New York so she could attend a school for the deaf. When she was 14, she entered The Cambridge School for Young Ladies, and at age 20, she started at Radcliffe College. She graduated from Radcliffe, cum laude, at the age of 24 as the very first deaf and blind person to earn a bachelor’s degree. She became a world-famous speaker, campaigning for world peace, civil rights, labor rights, women’s rights, and birth control. In addition, she was the author of many books and essays on these topics. In 1964, she was awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom by President Lyndon B. Johnson. And the following year, she was elected to the National Women’s Hall of Fame at the New York World’s Fair. In 1971, she was inducted into the Alabama Women’s Hall of Fame. Thomas Edison (1847–1931) Edison went to school for only three months. His teacher assumed he was intellectually disabled because he couldn’t relate to how Edison’s mind worked. In addition, Edison’s health was fragile as a child. Because Edison’s mother was a teacher, she taught him at home. As a young teen, an incident happened that affected Edison for the rest of his life. He was lifted by his ears into a moving train, and he started going deaf. Edison patented his first invention, an electric vote-recording machine, at age 21. His goal was to produce a new invention every ten days, and during one four-year period, he averaged a new patent every five days. His lab was so prolific that he was nicknamed “the Wizard of Menlo Park.” Edison’s laboratory invented such things as the phonograph, the motion picture, and the incandescent light bulb. Eventually, his electric business became known as the General Electric Company. Talk about a bright idea! Harriet Tubman (around 1822–1913) Harriet Tubman was the fifth of nine children born to a slave. Tubman and two of her brothers escaped from slavery when she was 27. Her brothers returned and forced her to return with them. Shortly after that, she escaped again to Philadelphia without her brothers, using the Underground Railroad, an informal, well-organized system of free blacks, slaves, and white abolitionists. Throughout the Civil War, Tubman worked for the Union Army, first as a cook and nurse and later as an armed scout and spy. She was the first woman to lead an armed expedition in the war, liberating over 750 slaves in South Carolina into three steamboats. In her later years, Tubman traveled to New York, Boston, and Washington, D.C., to promote women’s right to vote. She attended meetings of suffragist organizations and worked alongside Susan B. Anthony. At the founding meeting of the National Federation of Afro-American Women, Tubman was the keynote speaker. Theodore Roosevelt (1858–1919) Theodore Roosevelt was born to a wealthy New York family, but he was a sickly child. He had severe asthma that was debilitating to him. In addition, he was nervous and timid. With his father’s encouragement, he began exercising, and eventually, his father hired a boxing coach for him. In addition, he read about courageous men and had a deep desire to be like them. He was mostly home-schooled by his parents and tutors, and he entered Harvard University at age 16. When he graduated from college, a doctor gave him a physical examination and diagnosed him with heart problems. The doctor recommended that he avoid demanding physical activity, advice Roosevelt promptly ignored. In 1886, Roosevelt was the Republican candidate for mayor of New York City, but he lost a three-way race. In 1897, Roosevelt was appointed assistant secretary of the Navy by President William McKinley. When Spain and Cuba declared war, he resigned from the Navy and formed the First U.S. Volunteer Cavalry Regiment (the “Rough Riders”), taking part in the war. He then became the governor of New York in 1898, and he was vice president when President McKinley was killed in 1900. Roosevelt became the youngest person to be president, and he won in a landslide in 1904. Albert Einstein (1879–1955) Believe it or not, Einstein was considered a slow learner when he was young and may have had dyslexia. He was shy and quiet. He started speaking at age 2, and he rehearsed what he wanted to say. While we may see that as excellent preparation today, many around Einstein saw his rehearsal as an indication of stupidity. At age 9, he went to high school, where only 3 to 4 hours a week were spent on his favorite subjects: math and science. It was only at home that Einstein could learn what he wanted. He eventually either was asked to leave high school or he dropped out. He applied to Zurich Polytechnic in Switzerland, and while he passed the science and math sections, he failed the general section. Instead, he went to Cantonal School (also in Switzerland) where he flourished because he participated in hands-on activities and conceptual thinking. He applied again to Zurich Polytechnic and was accepted. His first job was at the Swiss patent office, judging the worthiness of patent applications that required physics to understand. He eventually obtained a Ph.D. After learning that he was targeted by the Nazis in Germany, he moved to the United States at the age of 33 and took a position with the Institute for Advanced Study at Princeton University. He developed the general theory of relativity in physics and created the formula E = mc² to explain the relationship between mass and energy. He received the Nobel Prize in Physics in 1921 for his discovery of the law of the photoelectric effect. Mahatma Gandhi (1869–1948) Gandhi was born and raised within a Hindu merchant caste in India. At the time of his birth, India was ruled by England. He was a timid and shy boy, and he was afraid of the dark. He encouraged oppressed people to improve their circumstances and led peaceful protests and strikes. He was arrested six times in South Africa and six times in India, and he served a number of prison sentences between 1908 and 1942. Gandhi led the movement to break away from England. He published the Declaration of Independence of India, making the case for Indian self-government. Largely because of Gandhi’s efforts, India gained independence from England in 1947. Two countries were created against Gandhi’s advice, one for Hindus and one for Muslims. Gandhi died in January 1948 when a Hindu nationalist shot him for being too sympathetic to the Muslims. Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803–1882) Ralph Waldo Emerson was born in Massachusetts. His father died right before Emerson’s eighth birthday. He was raised by his mother and other women in the family. At the age of 14, Emerson went to Harvard College, but he was not a very good student and graduated in the middle of his class of 59 people. He had poor health, so he moved first to South Carolina and then to Florida to regain his health. He took long walks on the beach and wrote poetry. In all, he gave over 1,500 public lectures and wrote dozens of essays on individuality, freedom, and the ability of people to accomplish anything. Abraham Lincoln (1809–1865) Lincoln was born in a log cabin in rural Kentucky. His family was forced out of their home, and he had to work at age 7 to help support his family. His mother taught him to read and write, but she died when Lincoln was only 9 years old. When Lincoln was 45, he ran for the U.S. Senate and lost. Two years later, he sought the vice presidential nomination and got less than 100 votes. Two years later, he ran for Senate again and lost again. He was against slavery and also against having the new western states become slave states. He helped create the Republican Party. In 1860, Lincoln ran for president and won. After his election, the South seceded from the Union and the Civil War began. He preserved the Union during the Civil War, put an end to slavery, and strengthened the federal government. He helped strengthen the American economy by modernizing banks and instituting protective tariffs to encourage the building of factories and railroads. Frederick Douglass (1818–1895) Douglass was born a slave in Maryland. He was separated from his mother at the age of 7 and then lived with his grandmother. He learned to read when he was about 12. He believed that the knowledge he gained from reading would help him move from slavery to freedom. Douglass tried to escape twice before he succeeded. He began attending abolitionist meetings, and at one, he was unexpectedly invited to speak. He was nervous, but he forced himself to speak. He was so eloquent that he was encouraged to become an anti-slavery lecturer. The first of three autobiographies was published in 1845. After returning to the United States, he published his first abolitionist newspaper. Douglass lectured against slavery and in favor of school desegregation during the Civil War. Thereafter, he spoke in favor of women’s right to vote. Eleanor Roosevelt (1884–1962) Eleanor Roosevelt was the niece of Theodore Roosevelt. Her mother was a beautiful socialite, whereas Eleanor was anything but. She married Franklin D. Roosevelt when she was 21. When Franklin was stricken with polio, and his legs were permanently paralyzed, his wife argued that he should stay in politics. He was elected president in 1932, and Eleanor held press conferences, toured the country, wrote newspaper columns, and appeared on radio. She spoke up for the rights of minorities, the poor, youth, and the unemployed. In 1945, Eleanor was named as the U.S. Delegate to the United Nations. She chaired the committee that wrote the Universal Declaration of Human Rights in 1948. And in 1961, she was appointed by President John F. Kennedy as the chair of the Commission on the Status of Women.

Article / Updated 06-27-2021

How many times after you’ve missed an opportunity, made a mistake, or gotten exactly what you wanted have you said, “I knew that was going to happen?" Sometimes you listen and respond, and sometimes you don’t. Imagine for a moment what your life could be like if you discovered how to listen and respond more frequently to your voice, gut, instinct, feeling, intuition, or God. What you call that inner knowing doesn’t matter. The gift of knowing allows you to more confidently express your preferences and live in your own power. Because you’re unique, how you become aware, receive a message, is exclusive to your personality. You can receive a message anywhere and at any time. The ways are countless. Some include sitting silently, reading a book, talking to another person, listening to a song, watching television, clicking a link on the internet to read an article, or walking in a park. You’re bombarded with messages and voices daily. They never stop. Even while you’re asleep, you’re receiving messages in your dreams. Living in a complex, distracted society that’s always telling you what you want, what your options are, and how you should feel, it’s difficult to know what you like, think, or want to do in a situation. Despite the chaos, you can learn how to know, hear, listen to, and respond to your own voice. Tuning in to your own wisdom Know how you receive messages. You can receive messages in different ways at different times. You’re likely more in tune with one way of receiving messages than others. You may hear a voice, have a feeling, see an image, dream a dream, or have a “this is common sense” moment. Know what you’re asking for. It’s important to slow down and become aware of the question you’re asking. By being aware of the question, you’ll recognized the answer when it shows up. Be on the lookout for the answer. You’ll get internal promptings when you see, hear, or feel the answer that’s right for you. It may be a sensation in the belly, goose bumps on the arms, a warm feeling in your body, or an “Ah! That’s it” moment. Listen to what’s right. Some things are obvious. You already know right from wrong. Your voice is always trying to tell you to do the right thing. Consider past experiences. Life has taught you many lessons. Take them into consideration, but never let a past experience override a gut feeling telling you should try something again. For example, say you’re looking for a job. You’ve called once and the person told you not to call again. You feel an impulse to call. Don’t let the past dictate your choice — make the call. However, if your child is running in the house, use past lessons, yours or others’, as guidance for your current choice. Tell your child to stop running. Use common sense. You know the answer, but you want easier, faster results. Don’t let being lazy override getting the task at hand done the right way. Trust when you’re getting the same message. There are times when you have to make a decision that’ll change the course of your life. Trust what you’re repeatedly saying to yourself and don’t turn around because you don’t get immediate results. Realize that you’re still right even if things go wrong. Success according to society’s standards doesn’t mean you took the wrong path. Through your decisions, you’re creating what you need for your journey. You can psych yourself out by convincing yourself that the other option would’ve been better, but you’ll never know that. When you follow your gut, you’re on the right track. Trusting yourself with your own life Any hesitation you have to trust yourself stems from your track record of making bad decisions. The more bad decisions you’ve made, the harder it is to trust yourself. You don’t feel equipped to make decisions to move your life forward. It’s likely you were never taught how to make good decisions. By learning how to make good decisions and establishing the habit of doing so now, you’ll gradually build credibility with yourself as a trusted resource You have dreams that, if you trust yourself and pursue them, will move you beyond where you are today. Give yourself a chance and trust that you’re serious about changing how you make decisions. Doing so requires a new level of commitment to yourself — a promise to love yourself regardless of what state you may find yourself in, whether you’re rich or poor, moving straight ahead or being pushed four steps back, healthy or sick, happy or sad, on point or out of alignment. No matter what you learn about yourself that may shock or alarm you, be patient and kind toward yourself, trusting that you’ll figure out what you need to know. Seven questions to ask yourself before you decide Considering these questions honestly will help you trust yourself to make good decisions: Am I clear on the decision being made? Have I considered all available choices? Do I need to seek wise counsel? Who else besides me will feel the direct impact of my decision? How will it impact them? Based on my decision, what will my life look like on the other side? Is the decision in alignment with integrity? Shifting from criticism to self-care Criticism comes from a place within yourself of unacknowledged shame, guilt, and anger. It causes senseless pain and often creates negative relationships. To begin understanding why you criticize and how to give yourself the care you need — to stop being overly critical — ask yourself the following questions: Who am I criticizing? The same eyes I use to look at others, I use to look at myself. Why is this person or group of people the target of my criticism? What did they do or not do to me? Was the error deliberately directed at me? What am I criticizing them for? Whatever bothers me about them likely bothers me about myself. What’s at the core of my frustration? What feelings are associated with my frustration? Why is the behavior offensive? What do I need that I’m not getting? Criticism is an action that results from hunger. Perhaps I need attention, acceptance, recognition, or an understanding of where I fit within my community.

Article / Updated 06-27-2021

For most people, confronting another person is a fairly stressful (if not downright scary) experience. However, it’s important to confront people when their behavior interferes with your needs. Even though telling others that their behavior is causing you a problem is very difficult, doing so is necessary in order to maintain open, honest communication. Many people say nothing and keep their anger inside, just under the surface; then they explode and become very aggressive at the least little thing. The other person is completely confused about why this is occurring. It’s much more effective to speak honestly and openly about the situation and see whether the two of you can come to a win-win agreement on it. Start with "I" Confrontational “I” statements are created in three or four steps, summarized in the table. Steps 1 and 4 are always included. Steps 2 and 3 may both be included, or only one of the two may be included. Being Assertive: Creating Your Confrontational “I” Statements Steps When Used 1. Describe the other person’s specific behavior you want to see changed. Every time, at the beginning of the “I” statement 2. Describe why the behavior is harming or hurting you in some way (or may harm or hurt you). Use either this step or Step 3 every time; you can also use both 3. Describe your negative feelings. Use either this step or Step 2 every time; you can also use both 4. Describe exactly what you want the person to do instead. Every time, at the end of the “I” statement, after you’ve described why Describe the specific behavior. Begin a confrontational “I” statement with the word “when.” Tell the person the specific behavior that’s causing the problem: “When you drive 85 miles an hour on the freeway when we go to your cousin’s house . . .” Be careful to state only facts. Don’t put the other person down or moralize. For example, don’t say, “When you act in a thoughtless way . . .” If you blame the other person, they're much more likely to take offense and not cooperate with the change you request. Describe the tangible effect. Explain why the behavior is hurting you in some way by explaining what effect it’s having on your life: “When you drive 85 miles an hour on the freeway when we go to your cousin’s house, I don’t want to ride with you because . . .” Describe your feelings. Describe whatever negative feelings you experience because of the behavior and the tangible effect: “When you drive 85 miles an hour on the freeway when we go to your cousin’s house, I don’t want to ride with you because I’m afraid we’ll have a crash.” State exactly what you would like the other person to do instead. It’s important to state exactly what you want his behavior to be instead. Don’t use “we,” as in, “I think we should sit down and talk about it.” Specifically describe only what you want them to do. This request should always come at the end after you’ve described the behavior that’s causing the problem and why it’s a problem for you. Only then will the other person be open to hearing your request. Don’t put the request at the beginning. It always belongs at the end. Here’s how this entire “I” statement sounds: “When you drive 85 miles an hour on the freeway when we go to your cousin’s house, I don’t want to ride with you because I’m afraid we’ll have a crash. Please drive at 70 miles an hour. I’d feel much safer.” Wording and phrasing to avoid Be careful not to include what you believe the other person is thinking or feeling, such as, “I feel you don’t care about our relationship” or “I know you’re trying to hurt me.” You don’t know the other person’s thoughts and feelings as well as he does. If you say this, the other person may seize upon such a statement and argue that you’re wrong, and they would be correct because they know their own thoughts and feelings better than anyone else in the world. Unfortunately, this is an excellent way for the other person to start an argument (that you would lose) so the two of you won’t be able to talk about the issue you brought up in the first place. State only your own thoughts and feelings about the situation. Also, don’t use “we,” such as, “I’d like us to see a financial counselor” or “I would appreciate it if we spent more time together on the weekend.” Doing this weakens your request. It’s better to state what you want the other person to do instead. You may want to include more than one suggestion for resolving the situation and ask the other person which one they’d prefer. You can also point out any benefits to them with your suggestions. For example, in the preceding scenario, you can suggest that you drive, with the benefit that they can rest while you drive. There may be some give and take so that the two of you can make this a win-win situation. Stay open to suggestions on what could work better for the other person and still meet your needs.

Article / Updated 06-26-2021

Let's get positive, people! Saying and thinking affirmations often is one of the most valuable ways to change your self-talk. If you say uplifting things to yourself that help you reach your goals and reflect the sense of self-worth that you’re developing, you’ll head in a new and healthier direction. Following are some tips for writing your own affirmations: Choose a negative thought and write its positive opposite. Make your affirmations only a few words long. Start your affirmations with “I” or “My.” Write your affirmations in the present tense. Write as though you’re grateful for already having and being what you want. Make all your affirmations positive statements. Add emotion to your affirmations. Create affirmations that are realistic and achievable. To help you start writing positive affirmations, try using some of the following words: Amazed Empowered Happy Optimistic Thankful Appreciated Energetic Harmonious Passionate Understanding Appreciative Enthusiastic Inspired Positive Unlimited Confident Excited Invigorated Powerful Uplifted Courageous Expanded Joyous Proud Vibrant Creative Exuberant Lovable Radiant Vivacious Delighted Focused Loving Renewed Warm Dynamic Fortunate Luxurious Serene Wise Eager Free Open Strong Worthy Even if you feel silly saying your affirmations at first, keep going. There's no harm in being positive and taking a few moments out of each day to encourage and celebrate the most important person in your life — you!

Article / Updated 06-26-2021

Excellence is performing at your highest level. Whether it’s raising your self-esteem, doing well at your job, having satisfying relationships, or improving your physical body, engaging in excellence means you carefully think through your goal and make logical plans, you take the time to do your best, and you work hard at achieving what you desire. Pursuing excellence begins with a decision you make, an ideal you envision. Once that vision is in place, you do whatever is necessary to make it a reality. Following are 10 different strategies to use that will help you attain excellence in your life. Take pleasure in what brings you satisfaction Imagine reaching your full potential by becoming your best self. Imagine being happy and living the life of your dreams, growing and achieving in all aspects of your life. You have the power to succeed in creating a life that works for you and to set and reach goals to improve your life. There are two types of people: those who succeed because they do the things that help them realize their highest potential, and those who are disappointed because they neglect to do what is required for success. And when you succeed, you have more power to do even more. Striving for self-improvement and the desire to continue to grow and develop are often natural for people with healthy self-esteem. Commit to doing what is required to excel After you make a plan to reach your goal, your commitment to do everything that’s required to reach it is essential. This commitment involves having a high level of dedication and self-discipline. Being committed is persevering through all the ups and downs that happen, persisting in the face of any obstacles that appear before you, and continuously striving to do your best. Use your knowledge of yourself and your goal Personal excellence requires that you evaluate your strengths and weaknesses. Your strengths are those things that are easy for you to do and what you do best. They are your natural talents and skills. You may not even notice them because they’re so instinctive to you. Your strengths may or may not be what you like to do. They can be, but that’s not always the case. Just as important as identifying your personal strengths is recognizing your personal weaknesses. Realize that everybody has weaknesses. No one is perfect; it’s normal. Weaknesses are qualities that create negative situations in your life. Have enthusiastic feelings that lead to creativity In order to achieve excellence, you need to have a keen interest in accomplishing what you desire. Without these deep feelings of enthusiasm, you won’t have much motivation and you’ll stop partway through without completing what you started. Your enthusiasm about your goal engenders creativity, and this creativity then generates even more enthusiasm. As you inspire yourself and others to take the steps that are needed to reach your goals, your passion increases even more. Life is all about growing and improving yourself. When you do this every day, getting better and better, you build intensity to develop your skills and talents in whatever you’re focused on. Maintain an upbeat attitude about yourself and your goal To attain excellence now, remind yourself of past triumphs. Congratulate yourself on what you’ve accomplished and the good you’ve already done. Fill your mind with positive thoughts. Read inspirational books, listen to beautiful music, and talk with people who help uplift you and make you feel good about yourself and what you’re achieving. Remind yourself that any important goal takes a lot of work and that most things are possible if you try hard enough. Stay focused on what you want Maintaining a constructive focus on your goal keeps you applying your efforts in a positive direction. If you get frustrated because your goal isn’t turning out as you first imagined, don’t let yourself fall into the trap of being a victim. Think about exactly what has gone wrong and gain from it. Reflect on what you did well as well as how you can improve in the future. Concentrate on working on those particular points. Consider different options to overcome these obstacles and choose one or more that make the most sense. Be willing to share your feelings with others Everyone experiences obstacles reaching goals, and these setbacks can lead to annoyance and frustration. Keeping these emotions inside can lead to stress and damage your physical well-being. Pent-up emotions can cause tension in your neck, back, shoulders, and jaw. They can also produce long-term problems like frequent headaches, high blood pressure, and stomach ulcers. Sharing your feelings can go a long way in relieving your stress and aggravation. You’ll be able to release negative energies within you so you feel better, and you’ll be more capable of identifying how to improve the situation and the problems you’re faced with. If you’re communicating with a person who caused the emotions, the two of you will be able to discuss how to deal most positively with your relationship. Accept people for who they are and look for the good in them Although it’s important to speak up when your feelings have been hurt or you see a problem, it’s also essential to respect others. In order to live a life of excellence with more happiness, it’s better to accept people for who they are rather than try to change them. This includes people who are involved with you in meeting your goals. The first step is to stop seeing the world in black and white, with you always being in the right and others as being in the wrong. It’s important to understand someone else's point of view. Everyone has had various life experiences that form who they are. Everyone’s experiences have been different from yours, and those differences are what make us all unique. The second step is to turn the situation around. Ask yourself how you would feel if someone were judging you and refusing to accept your point of view. Have flexibility and balance in your life Don’t be a slave to your goal and feel that you have to accomplish it a certain way. Flexibility is having the willingness to adapt and try something different if something isn’t working as you thought it would. Be very aware of your environment and the people in it. If things aren’t going as you originally planned, make changes until you find what works. Along with flexibility, it’s vital to have balance in your life to allow time for the other important people and activities in your life. Although you may need to devote extra time to your project, it’s best not to totally immerse yourself in one area of your life to the exclusion of all others. Stick with your goal until it’s completed To truly reach excellence, it’s crucial to persist with any project until it’s completed. Giving up halfway through will diminish your self-esteem quickly. If you’re unsure which direction to go, spell out exactly what steps need to be taken to finish your goal and brainstorm all the possibilities you can think of to move you through these steps. If you lose your motivation before the project is finished, make yourself accountable to another person. Take the steps you’ve created and write down what is required. Tell the other person exactly what you’re to perform and the date and time by which you should complete it. Be open to being responsible to this person for accounting for each step you are to take.