Vivian Scott

Cheat Sheet / Updated 02-22-2022

Conflict at work can be physically and emotionally exhausting, regardless of how directly you’re involved. Discover how to mediate a conflict in your workplace by following a set process and asking the right questions. And be prepared to use internal and external resources to help you resolve the conflict.

Article / Updated 03-26-2016

When you’re dealing with a conflict between yourself and a co-worker (your boss, a peer, or a subordinate), your focus is on resolving the conflict and improving the situation. Invite the other person to sit down with you, and ask these questions: What would you like to see happen? What does that look like for you? Ask these questions one right after another so your colleague can describe what he does want versus what he doesn’t want. He may ask for respect, but until he describes what respectful behavior looks like to him, you won’t know how to deliver on his request. Changing your behavior to match your definition of respect may not be what he’s looking for. What would it take for us to be able to move forward? How do we get there? These questions help an employee describe specific steps that may include an apology or a better understanding of his perspective before he can get over it. Are you willing to share the impact this has had on you? Are you willing to hear my perspective? Asking about a conflict’s impact moves the discussion from surface details to a working relationship level. Your colleague will appreciate your interest in him and may be more open to hearing your perspective as well. The goal is for both of you to understand the effects of actions, assumptions, and language choices. What ideas do you have that would meet both our needs? The key part of this question is “both our needs.” It puts the onus for solution on both of you and shows that you’re interested in creating a remedy that isn’t just about you. Can you tell me more about that? This question helps you avoid the “why” questions, which can lead to defensiveness. Show a curiosity to hear more so an employee can share his perspective without feeling like he’s on trial or your boss doesn’t misinterpret a “why” question as disrespect. What about this situation is most troubling to you? What’s most important to you? Either way you ask it, this question helps you pinpoint what the real issues are (and they’re almost always based on a core value being dismissed, disregarded, or trampled on).

Article / Updated 03-26-2016

When you’re dealing with conflict in the workplace, consider the underlying causes. Conflict is rarely as simple as it seems on the surface. Problems at work are often caused — or exacerbated — by the following: Ambiguous roles and responsibilities: Being vague with an employee about his job and the tasks associated with his duties creates a situation in which he’s left to decode your expectations. Create clear directives that include who, what, when, where, and why so he doesn’t trip over his co-workers just trying to get his job done. Assumptions and expectations: Ask open-ended questions to see whether an employee is filling in details based on his past experiences (both on the job and in his personal life) or whether he’s seeing something you’re not. Core values not being met: Rarely is a disagreement about surface issues. Determine what’s most important to an employee by uncovering his values. Use the insight to help him create long-lasting solutions based on what will satisfy all parties involved. Differing personal lenses and filters through which co-workers interpret the world: Recognize that all members of your staff have individual lenses and filters through which they see and respond to their environments — and no two are the same. Deciphering the code and seeing things from their perspectives give you a new way to understand and approach problems. Emotions hijacking conversations: When emotions are high, reasoning is low. Let things calm down, and then approach employees to discover what caused the reaction in the first place. Group dynamics such as gossip and cliques: Cliques form in the workplace for a number of reasons, but whatever the motivation employees have for attaching themselves to co-workers, the attachment has both positive and negative repercussions. Use positive group momentum to your advantage and equalize the power when needed. Miscommunication or vague language: Say what you mean and mean what you say. Avoid using language like “when you get to it” and “whatever you think.” Leaving things to an employee’s imagination can make for some pretty imaginative interpretations.

Article / Updated 03-26-2016

When you’re attempting to resolve conflict in the workplace, you want to see signs that the situation is starting to improve. Your mediation strategies are working when you begin to notice that your employees Have relaxed conversations and interactions Cooperate on tasks and projects Change their word choices (for example, “them” becomes “us”) Reduce their gossip Improve their tone of voice and relax their body language Keep their agreements Display a willingness to address new problems

Article / Updated 03-26-2016

If you’re a manager dealing with a conflict in the workplace (and what workplace doesn't have some conflict?), you need a strategy to approach and defuse the disagreement. You can effectively mediate the conflict by following this process: Do preliminary planning, scheduling, and room setup. Getting the right people in the right room at the right time is a good first step to creative problem-solving. Do some leg work upfront to determine who’s involved in a conflict. Then put some effort into creating an inviting environment so your employees have the best shot at successfully resolving their issue. Greet parties and discuss the process. Setting ground rules, discussing your role as a neutral facilitator (which may be new to your employees) and letting the parties know that you’re open to helping them resolve their differences are all ways to demonstrate that this conflict — and its resolution — belongs to them. Share perspectives. Refining the art of reflecting and reframing helps you identify core values, neutralize emotional language, and demonstrate that listening to each other’s point of view is far more productive than listening to rebuttals. Build an agenda together. Creating a cooperative agenda after hearing each other’s perspective lets employees build a list of topics that acts as a compass for the rest of their meeting and provides a yardstick for their progress. Negotiate in good faith. Giving employees the space to brainstorm and make proposals for solutions that benefit both of them can create remedies that are longer lasting and more durable. Hold private meetings if necessary. Meeting privately gives each employee an opportunity to share sensitive information, practice how he might ask for what he needs, apologize for his role in the conflict, or acknowledge the positive aspects of his working relationship. Craft agreements, with details. The best agreements are detailed agreements. Leaving anything to the imagination can cause trouble down the road, so crafting agreements with an eye for detail gives employees the boundaries and certainty they seek. Monitor follow-through. Looking for signs that things are going well or tuning into cues that there’s more work to be done gives you an opportunity to praise your employees for what they’re doing well and to coach them on next steps.

Article / Updated 03-26-2016

Resolving conflict at work starts with the employees, but some situations call for additional resources. If you find yourself in a situation that needs a little extra help, look to your organization’s internal experts or consider hiring an outside professional for conflict resolution. Internal expertise: Human Resources: Partner with HR to ferret out the resources your organization currently has in place and what the company may be willing to find or create for you. Ombudsman: Turning to an ombudsman is a confidential way for all employees (including you!) to talk through existing problems and consider alternatives. Shared neutrals: A panel of peers is a low-cost way to review, discuss, and mediate disputes. External expertise: Conflict coaches: Coaching employees through an existing conflict can also help them build skills to handle future difficulties. Dispute Resolution Centers: A community resource can be a cost-effective way to harness conflict resolution expertise. Mediators: A trained professional can effectively decipher issues and provide neutrality when you need it most. Training organizations: Proactively training employees to address the inevitable workplace conflict saves time and money.

Article / Updated 03-26-2016

Summarizing and rephrasing complaints during conflict mediation not only allows the speaker to know that you’ve heard and understood what he had to say, but it also gives the other employee the opportunity to hear the concerns from a new source (you) and with new ears. There’s probably not much chance your employees are going to hear anything new if the same old script keeps running. But when you skillfully craft your response to the speaker in the form of reflecting and reframing the information, you create the opportunity for the other person to hear something in a new way. Reflecting emotions Reflecting isn’t just repeating what you hear. It goes way beyond that by putting a voice to the emotions that you see or hear, and it creates an openness and curiosity about the emotions you may not observe. To reflect effectively, start by identifying what you think the speaker’s emotion may be. For example, imagine that you’re mediating a conflict between Carol and Peter. In the midst of her opening statement, Carol says, “Peter never finishes any of the projects he starts, but he’s always there to get the accolades when we finish.” What are Carol’s emotions? How is she feeling? She certainly sounds pretty frustrated, annoyed, and maybe even a little disappointed. When you relay your understanding of her emotions back in a way that allows her to know she’s been heard, you’re halfway to understanding why this conflict has had such an impact on her. Here's an example: Statement: “I can’t believe she botched another presentation!” Reflected: “You’re concerned that the presentations haven’t gone well.” Your goal is to soften the language used to help reduce the emotion so the participants can create the kind of conversation that moves them forward. Reflecting just below where you think the emotion may be goes a long way in softening the participant who’s experiencing the emotion. You’ll be pleased at how different (and positive) the reaction is from the parties when you reflect back emotions rather than regurgitating exactly what was said. Reframing statements Parties involved in mediations have a tendency to talk about the things they don’t like or disapprove of in each other rather than what’s personally important to them. Reframing is a way to capture what’s important to the speaker while leaving out what’s supposedly wrong with the other person. Reframing is also a way of highlighting and drawing out interests or values, which is a tremendous asset to you as a facilitator. Highlighting the values shifts the conversation away from negative descriptions and toward describing what’s important to each party. For example, Jacob says, “Katherine is the real problem here. She has to create a timeline for everything! I have to juggle multiple projects, and I don’t need her trying to make my work process fit into her little plan.” Here's an example of a statement and its reframed summary: Statement: “He never shares any information. I don’t understand why he can’t just provide me with the numbers.” Reframed: “It’s important for you to work cooperatively.” By reframing language to include the values you hear, you create the opportunity to discuss what each value means to the parties. Then they can begin to think about how they may be able to ask for the important things they’ve described rather than only asking for resolution to a surface issue.

Article / Updated 03-26-2016

Before your conflicting employees are ready to sit down with you and discuss their dispute, you have some work to do. By preparing the space for your meeting, you maximize your potential for a successful conversation. Choosing a neutral location You must maintain the appearance and substance of neutrality at all times throughout your conversation. Any suggestion — whether real or imagined — that you’ve compromised neutrality will derail your process. Here are a few things you can do to create a sense of safety and neutrality: Consider the location of the room itself. Try not to schedule your meeting in any location that could be described as either employee’s “turf.” You may think that your office is the ideal spot, because, as a manager, you’ll be calling the shots and your employees will be more likely to follow your lead. But the truth is your office only reinforces the idea that this meeting is a disciplinary action — which is a message to avoid. Choose a meeting room that’s as private as possible. Find a place where the curious eyes of others won’t affect your discussion. “Private” should also mean minimal distractions. Listening well is hard when you have distractions competing for your attention. Allowing enough time Successful mediated conversations take some time. Your conversation may take upwards of three to four hours (including the occasional ten-to-fifteen-minute breaks you’ll take for personal needs). Make sure that the parties allow for such a time commitment when you schedule the meeting. It’s reasonable to assume that the demands of the workplace may intervene in the conversation, but setting clear expectations about the importance of the meeting should create the space for the parties to devote enough time to reach solid agreements. Facilitating a comfortable environment You can help create a more positive response to the conversation, however, by improving the comfort of your surroundings. Both of your employees must have equal access to all the amenities that you provide. Consider the quantity and quality of everything in the meeting. For example, if you provide three pieces of paper to one employee, make sure the other employee also has three pieces of paper. Any indication of partiality can disrupt your process.Consider including a few of the following items to help the parties make the most of their time: Blank paper Pens/pencils Comfortable chairs Water and snacks Some snacks are better than others. Nervous employees who gobble down handful after handful of candy may have a quick burst of energy followed about an hour later by a pretty nasty sugar crash. I provide protein bars or granola bars and a small bowl of candy. Facial tissue A way to keep time Preparing yourself With all the work you’ve done to prepare your employees, you also need to take a few minutes to focus on yourself. Don’t allow yourself to get caught up in the conflict or over-invested in the outcome. The less emotionally invested you are, the better. This is your employees’ conflict. They own the problems, so they own the solutions! If you allow yourself to become attached to the conflict, and you become invested enough to make suggestions or offer solutions, you’ve effectively become responsible for those outcomes and whether they succeed or fail. Your employees will be more likely to buy in and follow through on an agreement when they themselves propose and refine it. Before your meeting begins, take about 30 minutes and prepare yourself for what’s to come. Strong conflict creates strong emotions, not only on the part of the participants, but for any observer as well. Expect to hear language that’s affected by emotions, and prepare yourself accordingly.

Article / Updated 03-26-2016

Conflict in the workplace decreases efficiency and productivity, and that means lost profit. Taking a broad view of a conflict and considering both hard costs (like lost inventory) and soft costs (like team morale) helps you determine whether it’s time to step in. You may find some benefit to giving a conflict time to work out on its own, but you won’t know whether you’re doing the right thing without investigating to see whether your strategy has an impact on your teams’ productivity and the bottom line. Hard costs associated with unresolved conflict Hard costs are measurable costs that can be deducted from your financial statements. Though they’re tangible and usually easy to find and add up, managers often overlook them in the midst of conflict. Wasted time: Time is money, and if people are avoiding one another and delaying outcomes, there’s a cost to that. Pay attention to the number of hours being wasted in a day or week and consider whether you can afford to wait this out. Lost workdays: If you’re expecting people who are in conflict (or who are surrounded by conflict) to work without resolution, they may be taking sick days just to avoid the stress. Reduced productivity: When you have to work on a project with someone you’re not getting along with, the job takes longer and the final product is affected. Performance and quality: Even if you don’t notice a marked drop in productivity, you’ll probably notice a diminished quality in the work that’s being delivered. Healthcare costs associated with stress: Some workplace stressors may not be avoidable, but allowing the stress of unresolved conflict to continue only adds to the pressures your employees may already face. Sabotage and theft: If employees reach a point where they feel no one cares about a situation, it’s not all that unusual for sabotage and theft to ensue. Turnover: Regardless of the size of your organization, there’s a dollar amount associated with the cost of hiring, processing, and training every new employee. Termination packages: Unresolved conflict can lead to a termination package that’s more costly to the company than if someone stays or leaves on good terms. Legal costs: If a lawsuit is filed, you’ll spend money on legal fees and wages for all the employees who are addressing the court case, not to mention that the money you pay out isn’t going toward productivity or more sales. Soft costs associated with unresolved conflict Soft costs, on the surface, are those things that may not seem measurable or easily assigned a specific dollar amount, but they still affect your bottom line. Morale: People are likely aware of an ongoing conflict, and this awareness can affect morale on all levels. Decreased customer service: Taking care of employees who interact with customers keeps clients satisfied. Reputation: Word gets around fast when people find a great enterprise that really values its employees. Disgruntled employees’ comments can scare off a future valued employee and potential customers. Loss of skilled employees: Retaining skilled employees keeps production high and training time to a minimum.

Article / Updated 03-26-2016

When resolving employee conflict, you might encounter resistance to your mediation skills and strategies, regardless of how hard you work to keep an open, safe, and respectful environment. No magic formula exists for moving through resistance to conflict resolution. Every one of your employees is unique and carries his own experiences, personalities, and core values. And because each person comes to this conversation with different needs, each one will likely respond differently to different techniques. Your goal is not to bully your employees into working through resistance. As satisfying as it may initially be to headbutt your way through an impasse, that approach rarely gives you anything but a migraine. You have a lot of power in your role, and if you use it to force your employees to find a solution, they may not arrive at an appropriate or sustainable answer. Before you address how (or even if) you want to work through resistance, have a sense of where it’s coming from. Take a look at some of the common causes of resistance to discussions: Strong emotion: Strong emotions tend to limit people’s ability to think critically and can hamper progress. Distrust: This can be because of their work history, their relationship, bad experiences, or even threats, both real and perceived. They may not trust you, either, as a neutral facilitator. Don’t take it personally — do your best to prove them wrong. Failure to communicate/listen: Lack of communication may happen because employees simply have different communication styles, or it may happen because they choose hostile or unproductive language. Failure to see options: Mediation meetings work best when a plethora of ideas are on the table; a narrow view of solutions certainly slows down the progress. Overconfidence/moral high ground: If an employee believes, justly or not, that he’s in the right and that he has been wronged, he may be overconfident in his position. Negative association: Essentially, an employee may choose not to negotiate or accept offers simply because it’s the other person who proposed the solution. It takes some work and some attention, but you can do a number of things when you reach an impasse: Exploring the impasse: To help your employees see the conflict that brought them to the table with a new set of eyes, start by asking each of them to describe the stalemate. They may find that they’re stuck for very different reasons, and they may discover some workarounds for the areas where they can find commonality. Creating options: Help them brainstorm answers rather than dwell on problems. You can accomplish this by turning their attention away from the past and focusing instead on the future. Testing the margins: Create clarity around the boundaries of the situation by asking the parties to give some thought to their other options. Encourage both to describe the best and worst solutions that could come out of their meeting. Refocusing on values: Your employees have likely gotten off track, or maybe they’re having a difficult time articulating the points that are so important to them. Help by really focusing the conversation on the critical elements. Ask them to describe what values their proposals address. If you’ve gone through this exercise and still find that they’re struggling, ask them to mentally step away from the negotiation and to describe the qualities of a good agreement instead. Whatever their answers, ask if any of the ideas they’ve thrown out so far match the good agreement criteria. If the answer is no, encourage them to create new proposals that include the qualities that each of them just described. Interrupting negative behaviors: Don’t be surprised if the parties have difficulty working within the boundaries of behavior you’ve set out for them. If someone is continually using language that isn’t helpful, you can ask him to Use different words Reframe his statements in more neutral terms Speak in “I-statements” Summarize in terms that the other person can more easily understand Don’t be afraid to address negative behavior. If it’s affecting your conversation, it won’t likely go away without assistance. And if you’ve noticed it, you can bet big money that the other party has noticed it as well. Trying one last time to overcome resistance: A time may come when you realize that, no matter how hard you’ve tried, your employees are unable to resolve their problems with you as the facilitator. Your employees may attempt to make a last-ditch effort to solve the problem if they know you’ve reached the end of your line. So as you’re wrapping up, ask whether they have any last (or even best) offers before you end the discussion.