W. Doyle Gentry

Article / Updated 07-05-2023

Happiness is about those great unforgettable moments in life. So, if you were asked to identify the ten best moments of your life, could you do it? If it’s difficult for you, is that because you haven’t had that many “best moments” or because it’s been so long since you had one that you can’t remember? Are you just too busy trying to survive the modern-day rat race? When a small group of family and friends were asked about the best moments in their lives — when they were experiencing pleasure that comes from flow — this is what they had to say: “I’m a photographer and I got a call telling me some work I had submitted to a major museum had been accepted for display. When I went there and personally handed off my work to them, it was a moment of great satisfaction.” “I love to sew. That’s how I make my living — making women’s purses. It’s such a creative time for me. Time flies by. I don’t eat. I’m just into what I’m doing. The end result is what is so satisfying — each purse is unique.” “I’m happy when I’m working in my garden — things are growing, blooming, and everything looks nice. It also makes me happy when I give away my plants — so that someone else can enjoy them like I do.” “I love to go through old magazines that have stacked up over time. I can spend a whole day, sitting on the floor in my pajamas, leafing through hundreds of magazines, clipping out stories and coupons — all the while, as content as I can be.” What do all of these “best moments” have in common? The moments involve activities and experiences that people want to have in their lives, rather than ones they feel they have to have. You don’t spend your day culling through old magazines because it’s one of those chores you need to check off the “have to” list — you choose to do it because it makes you happy. Maybe the thought of culling through old magazines sounds about as awful to you as any chore you can think of. The key is that, for that person, it’s an activity she loves. The moments require your full attention. Getting into flow is a mindful thing. You have to be fully immersed in the moment. It’s an all-or-nothing experience. The moments involve activities that are challenging and creative. Forget the routine stuff like cleaning the house, washing clothes, and most of the mindless things you do at work. The moments provide an immediate sense of reward. It’s the pleasure of the moment that makes it special. It’s not about delayed gratification, although some of that can be a good thing too. The moments involve doing something. Flow comes from utilizing skills — musical, mechanical, culinary — that you’ve developed throughout your life. The more highly skilled you are, the easier it is to get into flow. The moments can occur anywhere — a tennis court, under the hood of a truck, or in your kitchen. The moments come from knowing yourself. Flow isn’t about losing yourself, escaping — it’s about finding yourself, your true or authentic self, your happy self. That’s why each person has a different “best moment.” What’s important is not what types of activities provide flow for these people, but rather which activities in your life can serve in that regard. Take a sheet of paper and across the top write each of the following common elements of flow: Activities I Want to Do Activities I Can Become Absorbed In Activities I Find Challenging and Creative Activities That Provide an Immediate Feeling of Gratification Now, in the left-hand margin, list activities you engage in at work and in your non-work life (leisure and relationship activities) that you think might possibly create flow. If you’re a teacher who loves what she does, you could list, “preparing lesson plans.” Put a checkmark next to each of those activities indicating which, if any, of the flow criteria apply. Those activities that fit three or more of the criteria listed on top are ones that you should do more often if you want to experience the happiness that comes from flow.

Article / Updated 06-06-2023

Your emotions, including your happiness, are affected by the world you live in — your physical and social surroundings. If you’re in sync with that world, you have a much better chance of achieving happiness. Where do you stand when it comes to being in sync with your surroundings? Would you describe your relationship with the world around you as a tight fit, a loose fit, or no fit at all? It’s not essential that you be in sync with all aspects of your everyday surroundings — place, people, activities, motivation — in order to experience happiness. But, obviously, the more in sync you are, the happier you’ll be. Happiness is a sign that you’re in the right place Physical surroundings are more important than most people realize. The notion that a person can be happy anywhere if he wants to simply isn’t true. Place matters. Consider things such as: The country you live in The region you live in (if you live in the United States, this includes the South, the Midwest, the East Coast, the Pacific Northwest, and so on) The climate The size of the community The architecture The terrain (for example, mountains, beaches, desert) The amount of sunlight you’re exposed to How close you are to your neighbors The type of housing you have (for example, apartment, house, cottage, loft) How much noise there is How “green” the surroundings are (for example, a concrete jungle or a place with lots of trees and parks) Think about where you currently live. Now, ask yourself whether you’re living in a place where you can be happy. If the answer is yes, then you know that your environment is not the root of your unhappiness. If the answer is no, it might be. If that’s the case, you may consider a “geographic cure." Happiness is a sign that you’re with the right people Happiness is also a by-product of the social world in which you live — the people who surround you. Do you need to live close to family in order to be happy? Do you need to live around people your own age? Are you around enough people day in and day out? Are these people supportive? Do the people you spend most of your time with share your interests — cycling, sports, the arts? Are you in sync intellectually with those around you? Are you a single person in a world where everyone you know seems to be married? The answers to these questions may have a lot to do with how happy you are. Think about the people who are around you — your neighbors, co-workers, family, and friends. Are you living around people who make you happy? If so, then you know for sure that people aren’t the reason you’re unhappy. If not, try making some new friends or looking for happiness outside of work or your neighborhood. There’s no law that says you can’t move back closer to your family. Happiness is a sign that you’re doing the right thing Another part of your surroundings has to do with the activities you engage in every day. These include domestic activities, employment activities, and community activities. Think about how you spend your time throughout the course of a week. Generally speaking, are you active enough? Do you find what you do at work meaningful or are you just in it for the paycheck? If you have children, how involved are you in raising them? Do you provide any type of community service? For example, building houses with Habitat for Humanity, helping out in a soup kitchen, or working as a volunteer for the Salvation Army? Do you do things on a regular basis to help your neighbors? Or do you spend the majority of your time sitting at home, watching television, and heading to the kitchen every 30 minutes for another beer or bag of chips? Ask yourself whether you’re doing things that make you happy. If you answered yes, then it’s a no-brainer: Keep doing those things. If you answered no, try out some new activities. Happiness is a sign that you’re doing things for the right reasons In order to be happy, you not only have to be doing the right things, in the right place, with the right people — you also have to have the right motives. If the only reason you play golf with friends from work is so you can show them that your game is superior to theirs, then you’ll probably win, but winning won’t make you happy. Look at what you’re doing — all the activities of your life (from work to fun and everything in between) — and ask yourself, “Why?” Are you doing things with and for other people for the right reasons? If you answered yes, there’s nothing to change. And if you answered no, you need to come up with another reason for doing the same thing.

Cheat Sheet / Updated 03-21-2022

Happiness is an important part of life — no less than anger, sadness, and fear. But how do you know if you're happy? Are you as happy as most people? If you have lots of money or a fancy title at work, shouldn't that be enough to make you happy? Discover how balancing your life is one way to achieve overall happiness.

Article / Updated 12-29-2021

Only in recent years have psychologists begun to appreciate the benefits of happiness and positive emotion — benefits that include everything from enhanced creativity to improved immune-system function. Barbara Fredrickson at the University of North Carolina, a leader in the field of positive psychology, posed the question, “What good are positive emotions?” and came up with the following possibilities. Happiness broadens your focus and expands your thinking Positive emotions — curiosity, love, joy, contentment, wonder, excitement — expand your focus of attention. When you’re angry, your focus narrows to the source of your frustration and the object of your wrath. Your mind is like a heat-seeking missile, bent on destruction. Contrast this with what happens when you get excited about something — your mind opens up and there’s a free flow of ideas and intellectual possibility. Curiosity abounds. This is precisely why passion is so essential to artistic endeavors. This is also why you need a high positivity ratio in the workplace if you want a high rate of productivity and a healthy bottom line. Psychologist Jon Kabat-Zinn at the University of Massachusetts Medical School teaches his patients the art of mindfulness meditation as a means of expanding their awareness of those things they fear most, for example, chronic pain, and depression. He has patients relax their bodies while at the same time opening up their minds. The irony here is that the more clearly you think about your pain, the less it distresses you. When Kabat-Zinn and others studied the brain activity that accompanies this type of meditation, they found that it was the left frontal lobe of the brain that was literally turned on — the part that scientists refer to as the “happy brain.” Happiness improves your ability to problem-solve When you’re frustrated and you’re having trouble solving some problem that confronts you, what you need is a good laugh. Laughter unfreezes a “stuck” brain. Think of humor as a lubricant that allows the wheels — your thought processes — to once again move toward a solution. The mechanism that underlies effective problem-solving is creativity, which is your brain’s ability to come up with novel, unique answers to life’s many challenges. Happiness builds physical, intellectual, and social resources Positive emotions build the following resources: Physical resources: People are more playful when they’re happy — they’re interested in golf, tennis, marathon running, scuba-diving, and water-skiing. Happy people are more likely to exercise on a regular basis. Part of this comes from the higher self-esteem seen in happy people. In short, happiness translates into physical fitness — stronger muscles, improved heart-lung function, and increased flexibility. Intellectual resources: People learn better when they’re in a positive frame of mind. The most effective school teachers are the ones who find ways to make education enjoyable — laughter makes kids pay attention, and attention is the key to learning. The same is true when you go to a continuing education experience; you want a speaker who is not only knowledgeable about their subject matter, but who can be entertaining. Social resources: Human beings gravitate toward positive people and away from negative ones. Think about the biblical prescription, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you,” and decide how you want to be treated. If you want to be treated badly, then by all means act badly toward others. However, if you want people to smile at you, you need to greet them with cheer. More often than not, this is what you’ll get in return. Happiness counteracts negative emotions Happiness is one antidote to rage. Optimism can be an antidote to fear and cynicism. Joy is the opposite of misery. Humor defuses a desire for vengeance. Positive and negatives emotions can’t exist at the same moment in time. Embracing one negates the other. The next time you find yourself feeling negative — upset, angry, sad — try replacing that with a positive feeling and see what happens. Think about someone who makes you laugh, something that excites you, some activity that pleases you — it may provide just the escape you need from those negative emotions. Happiness protects your health You probably already know that getting upset or angry can raise your blood pressure and, in the worst-case scenario, precipitate a heart attack or stroke. But did you know that positive emotions can lower your blood pressure and risk for cardiovascular disease? Well, they can. The pioneering work of Fredrickson illustrated that when stressed people watched a film that left them feeling amused and content, that led to quicker recovery of heart function. She also noted that stressed subjects who smiled while watching a sad movie had a more rapid heart rate recovery. Her thesis is that positive emotions undo the effects of stress and, therefore, protect a person’s health. Other studies have shown that something as simple as getting a light touch on your hand from a compassionate friend or the act of petting your favorite animal can also lower your blood pressure — and, neither requires a prescription, gets you into a hassle with your insurance carrier, or has negative side-effects.

Article / Updated 12-28-2021

Some families have priorities — things that they feel are most important, things that make them happy and are crucial to family life that give the family a clearly defined sense of direction and purpose. Other families do not — they’re like tumbleweeds, blowing this way and that and getting nowhere in particular. Take the Johnson family, for example. Their home is full of books and magazines. Every evening, the parents ask their children if they have homework. At the dinner table, they talk about what’s happening in the world and even discuss serious topics, like abortion, whether kids should have sex in their teens, drug use, and whether it’s okay for people to live together before marriage. They watch TV as a family, and on Saturdays they all go to the local library and check out books. When the kids were little, the parents enrolled them in summer reading groups and took them to museums. And the parents are among the few who go to parents’ night at their children’s school. In the Johnson family, education is a priority. For the Elliott family, it’s all about game night. All three of their kids are involved in sports — Holly is on the school soccer team, Brad plays junior varsity football, and Mark is in Little League baseball. The parents attend all their games, sometimes dividing up the games between them when they occur at the same times. The family cheers for their favorite college team on the weekends as they watch the games together in the family den. The father is a member of a sports club and the mother organizes refreshments for Mark’s Little League games. This family’s number-one priority is sports. And, then there’s the Gutierrez family, whose priority is socialization. They make their home available for all of their children’s friends. There are big birthday parties for the parents as well as the kids. Last Thanksgiving, there were 25 friends and relatives for dinner, and at Christmas the house is full of people. The parents like to take vacations with other couples and families rather than just the five of them. All of these families are happy — they’re just happy about different things. Priorities provide families with: A sense of immediacy: What the family needs or wants to do first and foremost A sense of purpose: How this family wants to define itself A sense of importance: What the family believes is important A set of shared values: Values that all the family members share in common A sense of the future: Where the family’s heading in the days, weeks, months, and years to come A sense of stability: An agenda that doesn’t change from one day to the next Try this exercise to help your family set its own priorities: Find a time when the whole family can sit down together for at least an hour. Pass out sheets of paper and ask each family member to write down three priorities he or she thinks the family has or should have. Mention things like honesty, supporting each other, and health. Emphasize that this is not about your individual priorities — it’s about what you think the family should be doing as a group. Then, one by one, have each member do a “show and tell,” sharing his list and explaining why he chose the things he did. Don’t comment right away — wait until everyone has shared their list and then open the door for discussion. Are there any points of agreement — things listed by more than one family member? Are there any glaring omissions? Is there anyone in the family who seems to not want to get onboard with these priorities? If so, don’t criticize them; instead say “It’s okay if you don’t want to share your priorities with us now, but we really do want to know what you think this family should be doing more of.” Leave the door open for them to join in later. The goal is to end the hour with a firm sense of what you value as a family.

Cheat Sheet / Updated 12-28-2021

For most people, anger creates physical sensations that tempt them to explode. But before you open your mouth, take a look at ten ways to cool down. Then see how to express yourself more effectively with assertiveness. Learn about anger’s dos and don’ts, and you’ll save yourself a lot of grief. Finally, check out some tips for managing work conflicts.

Article / Updated 07-01-2021

Knowing your anger triggers — the events and situations that make you mad — is important because you'll respond more effectively to your anger when you feel prepared for it. Anticipating the possibility of anger increases your ability to express it more constructively. Here are some common anger triggers. Being treated unfairly Many people feel annoyed, irritated, or even enraged whenever something unfair happens to them. Unfortunately, unfair events occur to everyone and even fairly often. Here are a few common examples: Someone cuts in front of you at the movie theater line. A teacher gives you what clearly seems to be an unfair grade. Your boss gives you an inaccurate evaluation at work. A policeman gives you a ticket when you know you weren't speeding. No matter what response you have to unfairness, what matters is whether your reaction is mild, productive, or out of proportion to what happened. Responding to time pressure and frustrations Today's world is a busy place. People feel pressure to multitask and constantly increase their work output. But things inevitably get in the way of making progress. Examples of such interruptions include Leaving a bit late to work and running into a huge traffic snarl. Running late for a plane and getting selected for extra screening by ­security. Having family members or friends constantly text you while you're working. Having a contractor for your house project fail to show when you had set the whole morning aside to wait. Being placed on hold for 45 minutes and then having your call suddenly disconnected. Are events like these frustrating? You bet. However, they happen to everyone, and they happen no matter what you do to prevent them. You may be able to set limits in a useful way for some types of interruptions. For example, you may be able to tell family members you need to have them stop texting you at work. However, numerous delays and frustrations inevitably happen. Allowing anger to run out of control won't help; instead, it will merely flood you with unnecessary stress. Experiencing dishonesty or disappointment When people let you down, whether they renege on a promise or simply lie, it's pretty common to feel annoyed, upset, or angry. And most people encounter these events off and on throughout their lives. For example: Your partner or spouse cheats on you. Your boss fails to promote you or give you a raise as promised. A close friend forgets your birthday. A friend fails to help with moving as she said she would. A coworker makes up a lie to get out of work one day. Your kid tells a lie about hitting his brother. Of course, it's normal to feel irritated or even angry about all these triggers. However, you should try to figure out which types of events happen to you the most often and, more importantly, cause you the most anger. Encountering threats to self-esteem People like to feel reasonably good about themselves. Even people who have low self-esteem usually don't like to experience put-downs and criticism. Some people react to self-esteem threats with sadness and/or self-loathing, whereas others respond with anger. These threats can be either realistic and deserved or quite unfair. A few examples of self-esteem threats include Receiving a bad grade or evaluation Getting insulted or disrespected Making a mistake in front of other people Spilling wine on your neighbor's carpet Getting rejected Not getting picked for the sports team Losing an election Running into prejudice and discrimination A few special historic figures, such as Gandhi and Nelson Mandela, have channeled their anger and rage into remarkable, world-changing movements. Most people who face discrimination and prejudice feel powerless and unable to change their world. They respond with irritation, anger, rage, or even despair. The nature of discrimination or prejudice can be subtle or blatant. Here are the most common themes of unfair treatment: Racial or ethnic differences Sexism Sexual orientation Nationalism Classism Disability Religious beliefs Appearance (such as height and obesity) You probably realize that this list of common prejudices could be endless. Some people even prejudge others based on the TV news shows they choose to watch. Anger can be triggered either by being intolerant or prejudiced or being the victim of intolerance or prejudice. Getting attacked Violence permeates the world. Being the victim of violence or abuse naturally creates anger, although some people respond with anxiety and/or depression. Chronic abuse changes victims into abusers in some cases. Abuse takes many forms and ranges from subtle to blatant. The following are broad categories of abuse or attack: Partnership or domestic violence Partnership or domestic verbal abuse Child abuse Assault and battery Rape or sexual abuse War trauma Verbal intimidation Genocide Random violence and accidents Like prejudice and discrimination, you may be the perpetrator or the victim, either one of which may involve substantial anger. Look into your heart to determine whether you've been an abuser, a victim, or both.

Article / Updated 06-28-2021

Here are ten techniques for cooling down situations that threaten to ignite when you don't want them to. In all but the rarest of cases, you'll feel better and come up with more effective solutions when you contain conflict rather than give anger a free rein. Listening deeply When people attack, your best defusing strategy is to listen. Really listen. Give the angry person some time to completely express his frustration. The ideal way to show that you're listening is to paraphrase what's been said. Tell the person how you heard what he said. If they agree you got it right, you can move on. If not, ask them to restate what was said so you can better understand their intent. Controlling pace, space, and breath Arguing in parking lots and other open spaces merely increase the chances of escalation. You can bring those risks down by moving to another, more contained space, such as a nearby coffee shop or the inside of a store. Locations such as these usually inhibit people from getting physically or verbally abusive. Here are a few more ideas for containing a potentially explosive interaction: Suggest that the two of you sit down. Notice where the exit doors are located just in case. Try to maintain a distance of about two arms' length away from each other. Control the speed of your speech. Asking for clarification Many arguments occur when two people simply fail to understand what each other is trying to say. Rather than assume you know what the argument is about, why not be sure by asking for clarification? You can restate what you think is going on, but say that you want to be sure that you have it right. Ask about or query the other person regarding any part of your communication (or the other person's) that you think may remain unclear. Ask for more information. That's right; ask for more about what's upsetting the person. Rather than get defensive, query about additional concerns by asking questions. Don't worry; you'll have your chance to present your side after things calm down. When you rush into presenting your case, you increase the likelihood of escalation. Take your time. Sometimes angry people switch gears rapidly from ranting and yelling to stony silence. If that happens, don't insist on more information right then. Suggest another time to talk. Speaking softly Have you ever listened to the voice volumes of people while they're arguing? You probably can't think of many times when arguments proceeded at a soft volume. A soft, patient voice tone and volume keep emotions in check. It's basically as simple as that — pay close attention to your voice volume when an argument threatens to break out. If someone you're speaking with uses a high volume, it's okay to say, "You know, it really helps me understand you better if you speak a little more softly. Would that be all right with you?" Connecting When you feel disconnected from people, it's far easier to feel angry with them. On the other hand, even a small bit of connection can dampen hostile feelings. You can start by asking angry people what their names are. Then use the names a number of times during your encounters. Another way of connecting is to offer something edible (a muffin, a mint, whatever) or something to drink like tea or coffee or even water. When you offer people something, they typically feel a desire to reciprocate in some way; at the very least, they'll be less likely to explode. It's kind of hard to yell if you have something in your mouth! Dropping defensiveness: verbally and nonverbally Defensiveness communicates an intense need to guard against criticism or other hostilities — whether real or imagined. Defensiveness increases, rather than decreases, the chances that someone may attack you verbally or physically. That's because defensiveness is a weak response, whereas non-defensiveness communicates strength and confidence. Facial expressions, body language, posture, and what you say all can increase or decrease defensiveness. Finding agreement where you can No matter how obnoxious or outrageous a person's viewpoint may be, you can almost always find a sliver of agreement. Express partial agreement with phrases such as the following: "I can see how you might look at it that way." "Sometimes that's probably true" (even if you don't think it is at the moment). "You may have a point" (even if you doubt it, it's always possible). Expressing understanding When dealing with an angry person, show that you understand by empathizing with the other person. Be careful to avoid saying you know exactly what the other person is feeling. Obviously, you don't for sure. You can empathetically toss out a possibility but allow the person to disagree. Developing distractions Distraction involves abruptly changing the subject or focus of attention onto something else that's unrelated to the conflict at hand. Most disagreements don't call for distraction. For example, if someone argues about getting short-changed, you wouldn't want to change the subject. Considering a timeout Sometimes a resolution will elude you. The argument goes round and round and fails to progress. You see no solution in sight. When that happens, it's time to stop. Don't get caught up in feeling you must come to a resolution immediately. If things aren't getting anywhere or if you feel unsafe, it's best to terminate the conversation and get out. Not all situations are resolvable. Do try again if you feel there's a reasonable chance of success but not if it looks impossible. You can use the excuse of needing to use the restroom to slow things down or even escape a difficult or dangerous situation. Most people can't get themselves to refuse a request to use the restroom. Just declare that you're going there. If need be, call for help.

Article / Updated 06-28-2021

Psychologists believe that, to cope with life, a person must have coherence — optimism, with a sense of control; each of us needs to feel that life is generally understandable, manageable, and valuable. For most people, it's easy to find one thing in life that gives them coherence, the sense of confidence they need to embrace life with all its twists and turns. Some people discover early on how valuable education is, for example, and they spend their entire lives learning everything they can about the world around them. For others, making money is the most important thing. But there’s a problem with having only one source of coherence in your life: What if something comes along that takes that one thing away? What happens to your confidence then? The trick is to diversify — to have multiple sources of coherence in your life at all times — and to keep in mind that needs change as you age. So you should always be looking ahead to retool your sense of coherence to fit the particular demands of the next stage of life. Diversify your life to be happy Stock brokers have one word for their clients — diversify, diversify, diversify! It’s the mantra of any successful investor, and it should be the mantra for all people when it comes to developing a sense of coherence. What you need is a network of people and things in your life that collectively create a sense of confidence and satisfaction. The dictionary definition of coherence refers to various parts that stick together to form a whole. So, what are some of those possible parts? Consider the following: Engaging in intellectual pursuits, such as reading The Wall Street Journal every day or taking courses at your local community college Spending time with family Developing long-term friendships Building a career (as opposed to having a series of jobs) Fostering a spiritual faith Attending religious services Participating in civic organizations Volunteering Doing hobbies Caring for pets Working as a missionary Doing routine recreational activities such as golfing every Saturday morning with your friends Joining a book club Getting involved with your alumni association, such as tailgating at football games or doing fund-raising for your alma mater Participating in community government Working on your marriage Participating in a prayer group Getting regular exercise — jogging, walking, cycling, swimming, aerobics Meditating Attending AA meetings or other support groups Review this list and count the number of these activities that make up your day-to-day life. A healthy recipe for coherence would include at least five such activities carried out on a weekly basis. The more of these, or similar, activities you engage in on a consistent basis, the stronger your sense of coherence. How coherence and happiness changes with age Erik Erikson, one of the world’s most well-known psychologists, talked about how each of the various stages of life — childhood, adolescence, adulthood — is made up of different personal and interpersonal agendas. For example, as children grow up, they first learn to trust the world around them, then exercise free will, make choices and become interested in different things, and finally develop an appetite for learning everything they can about the world around them. Adolescence is all about forming an identity — how you’re different from others — and seeking independence. Young adults are all trying to build a social and economic life and deal with lots of “firsts” — first marriage, first job, first mortgage, first car. Middle-age adults are consolidating their gains — things they achieved as young adults — and working hard to maintain families, careers, and their health. And, the elderly spend a lot of time reflecting back on life and deciding whether their lives were meaningful. Coherence — understanding life, managing life well, and feeling as if your life has value — changes as people age. To understand coherence in children, you have to be able to see the world through a child’s eyes. Parents are a child’s major, if not exclusive, source of coherence. Teenagers, on the other hand, make sense of the crazy, emotional world in which they live primarily through peer relationships, and this, unfortunately, drives some parents nuts. Young adults rely on other young adults for coherence. And, somewhere in middle age, you begin to be the source of our own coherence. That’s the beauty of growing old. The specific pursuits and activities that people rely on for a feeling of coherence at each life stage vary considerably and tend to be age-appropriate. It’s safe to say that few children belong to alumni associations or book clubs, but their parents can certainly enroll them in Sunday school classes. Coherence is not a static experience, but rather something that changes and evolves over time.

Article / Updated 06-27-2021

Everyone gets angry — yes, even those people who seem impossibly zen at all times. After all, anger is one of those universal emotions — along with sadness, joy, and fear — that people throughout the world recognize when they see or hear it. But everyone experiences and expresses anger a little differently. Following, are descriptions of the many ways people show their anger or, alternatively, hold it in. Understanding your strategies for anger expression can be helpful before you work on changing how you show your anger. Keeping your cool Yes, keeping your cool can be one way of expressing anger. Keeping cool means that you don't respond impulsively. You may take a slow, deep breath or two before saying anything. Then you directly express your feelings while trying to solve the issue or problem. Verbal bashing Verbal bashing includes yelling, arguing, put-downs, and threats. Hurting people with words sometimes works at the moment, but it usually leaves a trail of resentment, anger, and bad feelings. For example, parents who frequently yell at their kids sometimes get momentary compliance but usually end up with rebellious, resentful kids in the long run. Not the best tactic if you're trying to cultivate a happy home. Nonverbal bashing Yes, you can clobber people without saying a word. Examples of nonverbal bashing include unfriendly gestures, such as pointing, clenched fists, and "flipping the bird." Facial expressions of anger include dismissiveness, hostility, and contempt (through sneers, prolonged angry stares, and snarls). You know a dirty look when you see one! Purposely ignoring and not speaking when spoken to also convey anger and hostility. Body language includes aggressive, puffed-up poses. Suppressing anger People who suppress anger feel mad but work hard to hold it in. Usually, close friends and family members pick up on the anger that these people feel. However, some folks are masters at suppression, and no one truly knows how much hostility they hold inside. Unfortunately, this type of anger often comes with common physical costs, such as high blood pressure, digestive problems, and heart disease. Chronic tension, unhappiness, fatigue, and distress frequently occur as well. Therefore, suppressing anger doesn't constitute a good anger-management strategy. Passive-aggressive anger People who express their anger in a passive-aggressive manner try to find "safe" ways of showing their anger. They like for their behaviors to have plausible deniability of their actual angry feelings. In other words, they make excuses and claim that their motives were excusable. Examples of passive-aggressive behaviors include: Chronic procrastination of promised tasks to get back at someone Chronic lateness Subtle sulking or pouting Purposely performing a task for someone poorly Purposely forgetting over and over to do a promised task Indirect verbal expressions such as subtle sarcasm When confronted, passive-aggressive people always have an excuse in hand and inevitably deny that they feel any anger at all. People living with passive-aggressive partners get pretty tired after 500,000 instances of "I'm sorry," and/or "I forgot." Complaining and gossiping This strategy, like passive-aggressiveness, generally feels safer than directly confronting someone with anger. Complainers and gossipers find sympathetic listeners that will hear their frustrations, woes, and anger about someone else. That way, they avoid actually confronting the person they're angry with. And, not surprisingly, little gets resolved in the process. Physical aggression Slamming doors, punching holes in walls, and throwing dishes all fall under the category of physical aggression against objects. This type of aggression can feel very intimidating to those who witness it. Furthermore, these behaviors sometimes precede physical aggression against persons. Assaults can take the form of pushing or shoving, punching, and slapping, and they can even include the use of weapons. Obviously, physical aggression is almost always abusive to both recipients and witnesses. Physical aggression with anger is only adaptive when you're actually under attack from someone else, and it's necessary for your own survival. Physical aggression doesn't lead to solutions. Displaced anger Sometimes people feel great anger toward someone. However, because of differences in power or fear, they don't feel safe in expressing their anger. Unfortunately, these people may take their anger out on innocent victims, such as a spouse, children, pets, or friends. This type of anger is known as displaced anger.