Marriage & Long-term Relationships Articles

Article / Updated 07-25-2023

An anonymous writer put it this way: "Friends in your life are like pillars on your porch. Sometimes they hold you up and sometimes they lean on you. Sometimes it's just enough to know they're standing by." Writer Elisabeth Foley points out that friendship doubles your joy and divides your grief, and that the most beautiful discovery that true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart. Easily the most important place to have a friend is in marriage. For that reason, marriage counselors continually advise husbands and wives to be friends, pointing out that you may divorce your spouse, but you don't divorce your friend. Friendship stabilizes relationships in the business and social worlds as well. A friendship is priceless and should be cherished, cultivated, and nurtured. Remembering the golden rule Without a doubt, the greatest human relations principle is to treat other people like you want to be treated. Friendship requires many qualities — unselfishness, genuine care for the other person, and the ability to listen when the other person needs to talk, to name a few. When you show respect for your friends and gratitude for their friendship, you'll be blessed in untold ways. Sometimes just being there — particularly in times of grief — can make a difference. Not knowing what to say doesn't matter; your presence speaks volumes and says everything that needs to be said. People need to share their grief and love to share their joy. If friends were there only for those two occasions, they would still be invaluable. Although the way you treat others affects the way they treat you, the way another person treats you shouldn't determine the way you treat that person. Respond to rude behavior with the utmost kindness. You can't know what has gone on in the rude person's life that day, but you can assume that his or her day hasn't gone well. Maybe a loved one lost his job, her boss reprimanded her unjustly, he's coming down with the flu, or she just found out that her teenager is doing drugs. Whatever the cause of the rudeness, you don't have to accentuate the problem. A kind word or a gentle, understanding smile may help the person more than returned rudeness would. When people are rude and ugly to you, they're probably hurting; they aren't looking to hurt you. Giving more, getting more Here's a story that communicates a great message about friendship: A city man bought a farm. When he went out to look at the line fence, which had been the source of much quarreling for the previous owner, the neighboring farmer said, "That fence is a full foot over on my side." "Very well," said the new owner, "we will set the fence two feet over on my side." "Oh, but that's more than I claim," stammered the surprised farmer. "Never mind about that. I would much rather have peace with my neighbor than two feet of earth," said the man. "That's surely fine of you, sir," replied the farmer, "but I couldn't let you do a thing like that. That fence just won't be moved at all." Most people seldom think through each situation completely and consider the other person's point of view. If you take the time and effort to do this, you'll end up with more friends. Considering foes as friends A friend looks after your own good, is attached to you by affection, and entertains other sentiments of esteem. On the other hand, a foe is someone who isn't interested in your well-being. Yet some students view their teachers as enemies. However, a student's success in school partly depends on the teacher's effectiveness in the classroom. Instead of being an enemy, a teacher who corrects you and helps you to achieve can be the best friend you ever had. When you receive criticism, in many cases the critic turns out to be more of a friend than a person who praises, because the criticism prompts you to improve. If you properly evaluate each piece of criticism you receive, odds are that you realize that those people really are friends. This kind of thinking, along with a little attitude adjustment, helps you to convert foes to friends, and both of you are better off. Making friends by being an optimist Do you enjoy being around a pessimist, someone who is generally described as being able to brighten up a room just by leaving it? The answer is obvious. Most people prefer to be around people who believe that tomorrow is going to be better than today, rather than people who believe that today is even worse than yesterday. Optimists spread cheer wherever they go and make others feel good about themselves. That's a guaranteed way to make friends. Capturing the pleasing personality Virtually every time you say that so-and-so has "charisma," you're really talking about so-and-so's great personality. When he walks into a room, he has a presence — not just looks — that attracts attention from people around him. Or when she's in a crowd, you soon hear a soft buzz coming from the area where she is. How do you develop a pleasing personality? Here are some steps you can take: Smile when you see someone. You don't have to give a wide grin — just a pleasant, friendly smile. Speak in a pleasant, upbeat tone of voice. Talk to people as if they are good friends, even if they don't really fall into that category yet. Take a course in public speaking. The ability to express yourself attracts favorable attention from many sources. Develop a sense of humor. Pick up a couple of joke books. This makes you a little more outgoing and friendly. When you combine that quality with the ability to express yourself before a group, your confidence grows. Don't criticize unjustly Linus (of Peanuts fame) appeared with his security blanket in tow and asked Lucy, "Why are you always so anxious to criticize me?" Lucy's response: "I just think I have a knack for seeing other people's faults." Exasperated with that answer, Linus threw up his hands and asked, "What about your own faults?" Lucy didn't hesitate: "I have a knack for overlooking them." Instead of being eager to dish out criticism all the time, take the humane, sensible approach. Look for the good in other people. Encourage them. Build them up. Be a good-finder, not a fault-finder.

Cheat Sheet / Updated 02-24-2022

From time to time, we all need to work a little harder with our partners at making our relationships the best they can be. This Cheat Sheet covers some of the key issues you’ll meet along the way. Keep it handy.

Cheat Sheet / Updated 02-14-2022

Your relationship with that special someone plays a large role in your life. First, you have to find The One and then take the time to develop the skills to build the relationship and keep it going. And because no relationship is without some conflict, you need to know how to resolve the disagreements that crop up so you can actually grow closer as you work things out.

Article / Updated 10-15-2021

Just as there are signs that you are ready to marry, there are also signs that you're not. A surprising number of people are able to look back on their marriages and say why they weren't ready to marry at that time, and how that lack of readiness contributed to their divorce. Review your motivation for marriage before you wed to help you avoid making these mistakes. If you fall into one of these categories, avoiding marriage at this time is probably a good idea. Instead, follow the suggestions listed as an alternative remedy. At the very least, you should understand the risk you're taking if you choose to get married for the following irrational reasons, or while in one of these situations: To escape a poor, chaotic, or unhappy home: Consider going away to school or even the armed services. Focus on developing as an independent, psychologically healthy person, so you can live a happy, healthy life. The more dysfunctional your home, the more work you'll need to do to avoid repeating the mistakes of your parents When you're too young or immature: Enjoy your adolescence, and delay marriage until you're older and more mature. When you lack dating experience: Start dating a variety of people casually to get the experience you need. Figure out what you need in a relationship and how to differentiate a compatible partner from someone who isn't healthy or compatible. When you've just graduated, are not self-sufficient, have never been on your own as an independent single person, have no stable career or means of support, are afraid to be alone, or your partner is leaving soon for a long time: Finish your education and advanced training for your field. Forge a career that has some flexibility and can support you and a family for the rest of your life. Live on your own as a single person and learn how to pay bills, balance your checkbook, save money, and become self-sufficient and independent. Learn how to be alone without being lonely, and how to be happy single. To make someone else jealous: Read books and see a psychologist to become more emotionally mature. Don't marry anyone until you have matured, and have also acquired a variety of adult behaviors and coping skills to rely on when you're hurting. Take assertiveness and communication skills classes to help you talk through problems amicably, rather than resorting to manipulation. To supply self-esteem: Seek cognitive-behavioral psychotherapy with a psychologist. Replace your low self-esteem thoughts with positive self-thoughts. Don't marry anyone until you feel confident and comfortable with yourself. Be sure you're choosing someone who really is compatible, not just someone to fill in because you're needy. Because everyone else is doing it: Read books and see a psychologist to learn, grow, and become more emotionally mature. Date a variety of people casually, or your current flame exclusively, but do not marry anyone until you have matured. When you're pregnant: Don't assume that your boyfriend will be there for you and the baby if you carry it to term and keep it. Consult an impartial psychologist immediately and review your options carefully and completely before making your choice. When your relationship is not compatible or fun, but you're growing older and you're afraid you won't find anyone better:. Discuss your relationship history with a psychologist, and explore how compatible you and your partner really are. Don't marry until/unless you're fairly sure that you are compatible and could sustain a happy marriage. If your current partner isn't very compatible, consider joining an introduction service or placing a personal ad to efficiently meet people who may be much more compatible with you. When you haven't spent enough time together to know if you're compatible: If your partner has just been too busy to make the relationship a priority, discuss your perspective with him or her. See if you can come up with a compromise that is satisfactory to both of you. If you've just met someone recently, relax and give yourself time to get to know one another. If your partner is long-distance and you've communicated mainly through e-mail, letters, phone calls, and occasional visits, don't marry until you've gotten to know each other better in person and the relationship is strong. When one or both of you haven't been broken up, divorced, or widowed long enough, or one of you is on the rebound: Enjoy your current relationship while it lasts, but understand that it could end at any time. When the jilted partner heals, you may find that you're not compatible enough to sustain the relationship long-term. When one or both of you suffer from serious personal or psychological problems: See a psychologist to resolve your problems. If your partner is the one with the problems, invite him to couples counseling with a psychologist. Rely on the therapist's judgment as to whether or not the two of you can progress. If your partner is addicted, not motivated to pursue treatment, or abusive, terminate the relationship with the psychologist's help. When one or both of you have committed physical, sexual, or child abuse: This relationship has very little potential. If you're the abuser, you need urgent treatment by a psychologist. Seek treatment immediately, and let the psychologist know that this is an emergency. If you are the abused person, you also need to see a psychologist immediately for help. Check into local services for abused people and take measures to save yourself. Stay in therapy until you have broken free of your abusive partner and your pattern of being attracted to abusive people.

Article / Updated 09-01-2021

After the initial passion and excitement of lust has faded, sex can start to feel routine and predictable for some couples, particularly if you’re both leading busy or stressful lives. There are lots of ways to liven up your sex life and put passion back into a relationship. Maintain a sexual connection with your partner If you’re working all day or busy raising a family, you may find that you stop seeing your partner as a lover. Maintaining a sexual connection will help you keep a sense of sexuality outside of the bedroom. Try: Sending saucy text messages during the day Saying “I want you," or paying an unexpected, sexually loaded compliment Being physically bolder with affection Create sexual space to arouse your senses Think about creating an environment that appeals to each of your five senses in order to maximize the sensual experience. Sight: Soft lightning and candlelight in particular can be very romantic and can cast exciting shadows in a room. Think about colors that excite you. Try swapping the bed linen for something sexy. Sound: Playing music can help to get you in the mood. Think about what kind of music makes you feel sexy, or calm and chilled. Smell: Your partner’s favorite scent, or favorite aromatherapy oil can get your pulse racing. Lavender aids relaxation, ylang ylang can boost sensuality, or choose sandalwood to boost your sexual energy. Taste: The link between food and sexual desire is well known. Foods which are said to contain aphrodisiac properties include strawberries, asparagus, chocolate, oysters, saffron, and lettuce. Touch: Your skin is the biggest sensory organ you have, yet it’s often forgotten about. Interesting textures such as silk, fur, feather and satin can help you rekindle a passion for touch and feel. Alter the rules of romantic initiation If sex has become a bit routine, try spicing things up by initiating sex in new ways: Romantic and tender: This could start with a romantic supper, or massage, or any gesture which says "I love you." Brazen and bold: Try a sexy, direct statement or physical come-on that's straight to the point and says "I want you." Urgent and frenzied: The tempo is quickly upped after the usual hug and kiss. Daring and erotic: Turn up the volume by dressing sexily or performing a strip-tease for your partner. Try altering time, place, and technique to further beat the bedroom boredom. Be daring and create a sense of sexual excitement Acting out fantasies can be a rich and exciting experience for couples. Once you’ve shared an experience, you’re likely to feel more comfortable with your fantasy lives and extend your repertoire further. If you do want to act out a fantasy, make sure that your partner is comfortable with the idea. Playing grown-up games can also bring passion back to your sex life, and can increase feelings of trust and intimacy. Try: Buying a blindfold Adding sexy twists to classic games like hide and seek Buying a commercial sex game Staging fun play fights Engaging in role play

Article / Updated 03-26-2016

Humans appeared on this earth without an owner's manual. Luckily, one of our advances has been in figuring out what causes happiness — and what doesn't. For example, everyone wants to be happy. But have you ever noticed how some people have few material possessions, yet seem very happy, while others have an abundance of material wealth, yet seem very unhappy? How can some people remain strong through many crises, while others fall apart over nothing? If money and possessions don't determine happiness, what does? Moreover, if the amount of stress you feel isn't determined by the intensity of an event, then what does control it? Myth #1: Optimism isn't realistic Negative, pessimistic people think that optimists are delusional; they pity them for their inability to see life as it really is. In contrast, they see themselves as understanding the "truth" about the world, and not being afraid to face it. They tend to be critical and cynical, even putting a negative spin on their humor. They look around them and find proof for their pessimistic ideas, interpreting ambiguous situations as negative. Their negative observations seem correct, but it's really a vicious self-fulfilling cycle. Doom-and-gloomers think negatively, so they feel critical and pessimistic, which then makes it easy for them to act in negative, distrustful, critical ways. Then other people either shy away or react negatively to them — which then confirms their belief that the world really is a lousy place. Therefore, the cycle continues downward. In essence, pessimists trap themselves in a self-perpetuating cycle of gloom and doom. In reality, escaping this cycle is easy. If you think that the glass is half empty, it is. On the other hand, if you think the glass is half full, it is. In fact, the glass is both. How you think about the situation determines how you feel, and how you feel makes acting in an optimistic, uplifting way more or less difficult. In addition, how you act greatly influences how others respond to you. Myth #2: Other people are happier than me If you believe in this myth, you probably notice other people a lot — too much — and you idealize the relationships of others. You believe that other people have better lives and perfect relationships. You see a loving couple cuddling on the street and assume that those people have no real problems. Then you look at your own life and your own relationship, and feel very unhappy because you're not as happy as others seem to be. Moreover, nothing will make you more miserable than thinking that everyone else is having more fun than you are. No one has a perfect life or a perfect relationship. People who enjoy great blessings often find themselves dealing with great tragedies as well. For example, if you have money, you have to take precautions so others don't steal it. If you don't have money, you don't have to worry about anyone loving you for your money; you just need a way to pay the bills. Money never makes anyone happy, and not having it doesn't have to keep you from being happy either. Likewise, no other material possession ever equals happiness either. Myth #3: Other people and things make me happy The person who believes this myth uses expressions like, "You made me mad!" and, "You make me so happy!" Although these figures of speech are very colorful, they also imply that the responsibility for your happiness lies outside you. If someone makes you feel happy/sad/mad/whatever, then that person can also make you feel unhappy/less sad/not mad/whatever. If your mental state is controlled by what another person does, then you can never be truly stable. After all, you can't control what anyone does, so how can you ever be truly happy for extended periods? Well, the good news is: No one and no thing can cause you to be happy. In fact, people and things don't cause happiness at all. It's what you think about those other people and things that determines whether you feel happy or sad. Your thoughts — not outside events, the presence or absence of material objects, or other people — cause your feelings. Just as money can't make you happy, other people can't make you happy either. No one can make anyone think or feel or do anything. The only person who has that distinction is the person who owns the thoughts, feelings, and behavior. When you accept this truth, then and only then can you be truly happy. If you stop waiting for circumstances to change in your life, you can make yourself happy — every day — no matter what life brings. Myth #4: I can't be happy single and alone Many people believe that they can only be happy when they're with a partner. If you believe this myth, you may also believe that your partner makes you happy. Not only does such a belief place responsibility for your happiness outside you, it puts that responsibility smack dab on your partner. Wowwweeee! That really leaves you dangling in a precarious position, doesn't it? Even if you have a partner for a while, eventually that person will leave or die. So believing in this myth guarantees that you'll be unhappy for a substantial period of time. In addition, when you believe that your mate makes you happy, you tend to blame him or her when you don't feel happy. Doing that will virtually ensure that your relationship will either become very unhappy or nonexistent before long. Of course, if you believe in this myth, losing that mate will cause you to feel even more unhappy. Because happiness is a state of mind, not a reaction to a particular person, thing, or event, you can be happy no matter what happens to you. You can be happy married, widowed, divorced, or single — or in whatever marital state you find yourself. You can be happy at any age. As long as you're alive, you can make yourself happy, no matter what. Accepting that truth and acting accordingly makes you an extremely powerful person.

Article / Updated 03-26-2016

Personal matchmaking services vary enormously, depending on their population; the credentials, training, skill, professionalism, and ethics of the matchmaker; whether the company is a nationwide franchise or a more personalized boutique service; whether the matchmaker meets you or not; and whether the service is a real business or a hobby the owner is doing to meet a special someone. A difference also exists between businesses run predominantly to make money and those run by someone who actually cares about the service sold. Most personal matchmaking services will interview you extensively, asking questions about your relationship goal and match preferences. The service screens and researches matches for you and then notifies you via mail or phone that your match is ready. If both parties accept the match, names and numbers are exchanged, and you and your match get in touch to arrange a date. The service does the work while you have all the fun. Not bad, eh? Prices vary from almost nothing ($150) to $4,000 or more, depending on your city and the type of program involved. Good services cost at least $1,000 because of all the work involved and the cost to the company. Services go by time (one or two years) or by the number of matches you receive. Prices for personalized matchmaking services tend to be firm — and should stay firm. In contrast to library-type matchmaking services, where you basically do all the work and can consequently bid down the price, personalized matchmaking services do as much of the work for you as possible. Your membership fee has to cover the more in-depth interviewing and screening, the matchmaker's time, and the salary of the people informing you by phone or letter about your match. Just like library services, personal services have to pay for rent, office expenses, advertising, and direct mail. Therefore, these services reap much less profit than library services and, hence, have less room to cut costs. The benefit of all that, however, is that you'll feel less like you're buying a used car! Pluses: There are many advantages to using a credible matchmaking service. If you're a busy person with many responsibilities, you'll appreciate the convenience and time saved. Because the service does everything that you don't have to do (interviewing, screening, and researching your matches), and you spend your time doing what only you can do (dating the people and figuring out who's more compatible for you), this is the easiest, most time-efficient way to meet people. Everyone burns out when they do too much of something for too long, so allowing a service to do what you don't have to do enables you to date longer before burning out. Since dating burnout is often a problem with other methods, this is a big advantage over library services, personal ads, and any other dating method where you do more of the work. The personalized, confidential attention is often more comfortable than flipping through photos of prospective mates in a large room filled with strangers — or putting your personal information on a library shelf or in an ad for others to review. In addition, because the matchmaker has to match you, she has to keep the numbers relatively even with regard to sex, age, and other variables. This is a huge advantage over the library services. Minuses: Nothing in life is perfect. So like all methods of finding a special sweetie, personal matchmaking services have their drawbacks, too — the amount depending on the specifics of that service. For example, some services have you fill out forms and interview with someone other than the matchmaker. Others claim to send your data out of town to a person or computer program that supposedly matches you. Do not use these kinds of services. If a matchmaker hasn't met you, then that person knows very little about your personality, so your matches are less likely to be compatible. Also, be wary of any service that says it's testing you. Valid, standardized psychological tests must be administered, scored, interpreted, and kept under lock and key by a psychologist. Chances are, the tests you take are just quizzes, and results may not even be taken into consideration. Quizzes aren't necessarily bad, but don't let a service convince you that it's best simply because it uses non-standardized, unreliable quizzes.

Article / Updated 03-26-2016

Everyone knows that it's much easier to start a relationship than it is to make one last. If you've found your special someone, keep your love alive with the tips in the following list: Make it special and nurture emotional intimacy: Share feelings, thoughts, and experiences with one another that you don't share with others, and keep your communication healthy. Share healthy, fun-filled sexual experiences only with one another to promote sexual intimacy. Remember that good communication is Superglue #1, and good sex is Superglue #2. Use both generously and often to bond tightly with your mate.

Article / Updated 03-26-2016

Getting involved in a romance is the first step toward building a relationship that lasts. If you're looking for a long-term love, the tips in the following list can help you develop your attraction into something deeper: Keep the relationship reciprocal, especially in the beginning, so you can keep the balance of power — and resulting feelings — even, too. If you're female, try to let your partner lead. If you're male, most women will prefer that you lead — so don't be afraid to do so. Be cautious about sex early in the relationship. Know what you're risking, and if you choose it, go into it with your eyes open. As you get to know and trust one another, move gradually and slowly from being strangers to being lovers. Don't ruin the relationship by trying to make the jump in one — or a few — dates. Use thought-stopping to avoid fantasizing about a future with someone you barely know, and to help you keep your emotional intimacy, sexual intimacy, and time actually spent in the relationship in sync.

Article / Updated 03-26-2016

Every relationship has conflict — arguments and disagreements go hand-in-hand with love and affection. But with Dr. Kate's Make-A-Deal technique, you can settle disagreements and grow closer in the process. Just follow these steps: Make a date to talk about the problem, choosing optimal time and place. Ask questions about your mate's thoughts and feelings first and throughout discussion: "How do you feel about . . . ?" "Are you saying that . . . ?" Keep reflecting back as long as your partner shares new info: "It sounds like . . ." Express empathy and support: "I'm so _____ (happy or sorry) for you." "I hope that everything goes better tomorrow." Agree with whatever you can agree with: ("I agree that . . ." "I can see that . . .") Alternate/take turns doing steps 2–5: reflective listening, asking questions, facilitative agreement, supportive statements, and positive reinforcement. Deal time! Brainstorm and pick a compromise: "Okay, so it sounds like we've ruled out ______ and ______, and we both seem to like ______ better. Why don't we try that this week, and get back together next week — same time, same place — to see if we're both happy with it?" Evaluate compromise at a later date and compromise again if necessary. Agree to disagree or rediscuss if you can't find a suitable compromise: "It seems like we both have strong feelings on this topic, and we're not going to reach any agreement tonight. So why don't we just agree to disagree for now, and get together next week — same time, same place — to talk about it again?" List agreements and leave on an upbeat, friendly note: "Okay, so we've decided that we're going to ______. Thank you for making time to talk about this and for meeting me halfway. I really appreciate your time and effort tonight. I think we did great!"