Grief Articles

Article / Updated 07-01-2021

Complicated grieving is the technical name that grief professionals give to a grieving process that gets stuck at some point, making it impossible for the bereaved to successfully start or conclude the grieving process. This type of grief is often a sign of unresolved problems in the relationship between the bereaved and the deceased, making it more difficult than usual for the bereft person to grieve. Whereas a traumatic loss almost always makes for complicated grieving, keep in mind that not all complicated grieving involves traumatic losses. Human relationships are sufficiently varied and complex to create all sorts of snags (some traumatic and some not) that can interrupt the grieving process. How to manage complicated grieving If you find that you're unable to start grieving the loss of a loved one or you aren't getting through the grieving process, stop and take stock of the relationship you had with them. Depending upon the intricacy of the relationship and its particular problems, you may not be able to really assess the situation without the help of a mental health professional. But, by working through the issues standing in your way, you not only free yourself from grief but also create a new appreciation for yourself as you honestly face all the aspects (good and bad) of your relationship. Complicated grieving in one-sided relationships Almost all the relationships you build with your loved ones are complex and multifaceted. Sometimes, however, these relationships aren't as balanced as you may like them to be. Unbalanced relationships — especially those in which one person doesn't have anywhere near as much influence or power as the other — can often result in some level of complicated grieving when the person wielding the greater influence dies. Unfortunately, after their death, it's far too late to rectify the balance of power, and you're left to deal with whatever damage this imbalance caused. Bereft of a particularly powerful person in your life (whether a parent or a spouse), you may experience an overwhelming sense of abandonment and emotions that vacillate between great anger and acute apprehension. Both the anger and the fear come from the same place of uncertainty — not knowing whether or not you have what it takes to survive on your own. Instead of focusing on grieving the loss, you can only focus on the predicament that your new status confers on you. Before you can feel the grief, you must first deal with your lack of confidence and all the emotions that your insecurity engenders. Many times, this requires the help of a mental health professional other than a grief counselor who can help you work on these aspects not entirely related to the pain of your loss. Complicated grief in excessively dependent relationships Relationships in which the two people are exceedingly dependent upon one another for emotional support (sometimes referred to as a codependent relationship) can also result in complicated grief when either person dies. This kind of dependent relationship may exist between a child and parent, but it more commonly occurs between spouses and life partners. Typically, the two companions are so close that one or both feel as though they couldn't live without the other. Then, when one of the two dies and this misgiving is finally tested, the survivor finds himself hard-pressed to grieve the loss. Losing the person who defines you in so many ways is sometimes too much to handle. As a reaction, you refuse to acknowledge the loss in an effort to ward off grieving. More importantly, denial keeps you from having to admit that the loss is real and that you have to change a great deal in order to thrive rather than survive. Instead of continually denying the loss, some survivors of codependent relationships refuse to stop mourning the loss of their loved ones. In essence, they create perpetual mourning in which they safely reside. This too is a defense against real grieving (a process that has a definite end, even when there's no set timetable for reaching it). Perpetual mourning represents an effort to keep the dependent relationship alive in some form and insulate the survivor and keep him from adjusting to the new reality. The only way for such a person to break through this kind of stalemate is for them to realize that the end of their grieving is not synonymous with the end of the relationship.

Cheat Sheet / Updated 03-27-2016

Mourning the loss of a loved one is a long, difficult process. This is true for the person grieving, as well as the loved ones of the person grieving. Unfortunately, loss is often misunderstood and comes with complicated, overwhelming emotions. The best thing you can do is to try to understand what is happening and how your life or the life of your loved one will be changed as a result of the loss.

Article / Updated 03-26-2016

Anticipatory grief is the name given to the angst and sorrow that accompanies the knowledge that your loved one almost certainly is going to die from whatever disease or debilitating condition he's suffering. The watchword of anticipatory grief is angst: You fear the loss that you know is coming more than you actually grieve it. Anticipatory grief often is accompanied by outbursts of sorrow and rage followed by bouts of depression. Because this type of grief is intertwined with fear, you find it particularly draining, especially when you're dealing with the other stresses associated with being a caregiver for your dying loved one. Many people mistakenly believe that, in suffering anticipatory grief, they lessen the grief that they'll experience when death finally comes. Unfortunately, this is not so. Don't expect the grief that you feel and the grieving process that you have to undergo when your loved one finally passes away to be any less even if you've suffered a ton of anticipatory grief. Some grief professionals debate whether or not anticipatory grief can be separated from the other stresses you undergo as a caregiver. It's well documented that being a caregiver for a loved one who's dying is extremely stressful for any number of the following reasons: Burnout from trying to do all the caregiving on your own without the help of others or from having to be the caregiver for more than one loved one (as in trying to care for both your aged or ailing parents at the same time). Feelings of extreme isolation when the caregiving seems to take over every aspect of your life. Resentment toward the loved one for needing the care, frustration with the medical or insurance bureaucracy, and/or anger toward other family members for not helping with caregiving. Guilt that you aren't able provide to better care for your loved one, for finally having to put him in a nursing home, and/or for not being able to save his life. Difficulty watching the health and vitality of someone you love decline. Helplessness in the face of the anticipated loss and the overwhelming and growing demands of being the caregiver for an increasingly incapacitated loved one. Don't ignore the feelings of angst and stress associated with anticipatory grief and with caregiving for a loved one. Instead, find ways to express and validate your feelings. Seek the help of family or grief counselors, social workers, or psychologists in order to keep yourself going. If you're a primary caregiver, you also may need to get some help with the caregiving from other family members, community services, or a hospice team. Although you may feel as though you have to "keep it together" in order to be an effective caregiver, you may actually be less effective if you don't deal with the psychological tolls from the stresses related to caregiving.

Article / Updated 03-26-2016

When a loved one dies, you might feel devoid of life, hope, or happiness. Expressing grief through personal rituals can ease the pain. A ritual is any ceremony that progresses in established steps. Although people generally think of ritual in the context of formalized religion, it need not be. You can (and probably do) make a ritual out of the smallest and most mundane acts in your everyday life, such as getting ready for work in the morning, preparing the evening meal, or getting ready for bed at night. To develop your own grief ritual, all you have to do is figure out the following three things: Place: Select a clear, clean space in a room where you can erect some sort of grief memorial or shrine. If possible, choose a room where any noise you make won't disturb your family or neighbors. An established time: Select a time when you can devote yourself totally to remembrance of your loved one. Activities: Select a prayer, inspirational reading, piece of music, or poem that you can recite or play when opening and closing the ritual. Fill the middle of the ritual with whatever it is you need to articulate and convey at the moment you conduct the ritual. Creating a shrine as part of your grief ritual When setting up the grief memorial or shrine, adopt an attitude of loving care and great awareness as you select and arrange each element. Credit: ©iStockphoto.com/Irina Drazowa-Fischer 2011 You may want to add pictures of your loved one along with some personal or natural objects that remind you of him. Personal objects can include effects such as jewelry; awards and trophies; caps, hats, and other clothing; and even favorite books (especially a loved one's Bible or missal). Natural objects can include anything you have at hand, such as rocks (which you can decorate), shells and sand if you live near a beach, and bird nests (abandoned, of course) and branches from the back yard. And if it feels right, you also can add candles, incense, and flowers to the memorial. Choosing activities for your grief ritual When selecting activities for your grief ritual, pick one inspirational verse, poem, or song that you use each time you open the ritual and another that you use each time you close the ritual. That way, you have two established steps that you can rely on to mark both the beginning of the ritual and its end. Even if you're not particularly musically inclined, you may want to release some energy by making your own sound for the ritual. If you don't have a musical instrument, you can use anything that makes noise — from an empty cereal box for percussion and an empty bottle as a wind instrument. And if you can't find something to use as an instrument, don't forget your voice. You can always recite words as a chant even if you can't carry a tune. Grief rituals: Performing the ceremony Before starting the ceremony, take a few deep breaths to center yourself. Don't worry if you break down in tears at this point or any other during the ritual. After all, this ceremony is all about expressing your grief as openly and freely as possible, whenever you need to. After opening the ritual, play the middle activities completely by ear. Sometimes you may need to communicate something to your loved one, and other times you may have nothing particular to say but have a great need to release pent-up emotions. When you need to communicate, speak the words out loud or meditate on the thoughts silently. When you need to release your emotions, don't hold back. Yell, scream, whine, and cry as much as you need to. If you're feeling a great deal of anger as part of your grief, keep pillows nearby that you can pummel as you rail against whomever or whatever you hold responsible for your woeful situation. You don't have to conduct your grief rituals all alone (unless you want or need to). This is a perfect time to share your grief with others, especially other friends and family members who are also grieving the same loss. If you share your ritual with others, they may find it a great comfort if you allow each person to relate something about your lost loved one, such as a description, story, or vignette (and yes, it's okay to include a funny story and have a laugh amid your tears). Conduct your grief rituals and keep your memorial up as long as you need to use it. At some point when you're ready and your grief is finally subsiding, you will want to conclude your grief rituals. At that time, you may or may not want to dismantle the memorial as well. If you do decide to dismantle it, after concluding the final ritual, take down the memorial or shrine with the same loving care with which you erected it.

Article / Updated 03-26-2016

When you lose your spouse through death, you obviously get no say-so in the matter. This lack of control and utter helplessness is in strong contrast to the loss of a spouse through divorce, which, though it may be unavoidable, is still an act of will rather than a loss of control over one's destiny. Lack of control is the salient factor in the profound loss of any loved one. In the death of a spouse, however, you face the loss of someone you specifically chose to be with and whom fate saw fit to take from you. Credit: ©iStockphoto.com/Lisa F. Young 2007 Feelings of anxiety after the death of a spouse Besides deep sorrow and regret, you also may feel a great deal of anxiety related to the new sense of insecurity created by the loss. Often the vulnerability that you feel upon the death of a spouse relates directly to the roles that your partner played in the relationship, particularly the following: Primary breadwinner for your family Primary caregiver for you and your children Primary decision-maker within your relationship Primary catalyst for personal growth and change within your relationship Because the two of you formed a team, the lack of the other essential member and the roles that he or she played is sure to be keenly felt. This absence adds an extra challenge in terms of grieving the loss: Not only must you grieve the loss of your dearest friend but also you must stretch yourself in assuming new, untried roles associated with taking care of yourself and the rest of your immediate family. You suddenly may be called upon to step into and fill unfamiliar roles that you're apprehensive about. This pressure to assume new roles couldn't come at a worse time than precisely at the moment you feel most alone and vulnerable. To help you get through this trying situation, recall the way your partner handled the roles that you must now assume. Keep in mind that you had a pro after whom you can model your new behaviors. Health concerns of a surviving spouse Another major concern after the death of a spouse is the health and survival of the remaining partner. Although considered anecdotal, many spouses, especially seniors, don't live long after the death of their partners. Some people refer to this phenomenon as dying of a broken heart, whereas others consider it the result of giving up in the face of what seems to be the insurmountable task of living apart from the person who so long completed the surviving spouse. If you're a caregiver for an elderly surviving partner who's recently lost his or her long-time companion, you need to be particularly vigilant about that person's physical and mental health. Look for any signs of resignation or deep depression, and listen for serious talk of not wanting to go on living. If you notice these conditions, you may want to seek the advice and help of a professional grief counselor. The health and even the continued existence of this person may depend upon getting help so that he or she sees that even this terrible grief is survivable.

Article / Updated 03-26-2016

Experiencing the death of a parent is traumatic at any age, but it's particularly harrowing for young children. With the death of a parent, young children are deprived not only of the guidance and love that that parent would have provided as the children grew up but also the sense of security that the parent's ongoing presence in the home would have bestowed. More often than not, the child feels terribly vulnerable, especially when the death is accompanied by a relocation of the family. Credit: ©iStockphoto.com/Oleg Saenko 2010 Because one of the two people the child counted on being with him and supporting him (in all aspects) until adulthood is now gone, it's not at all unusual for the child to cling to the surviving parent. The child can easily become quite concerned with this parent's health, afraid that, should the parent fail to take care of himself or herself, the child will be without anyone to support him and be truly orphaned. Although they may never fully go away, these feelings of vulnerability are often alleviated to some extent by the grieving process, especially if the child's able to share this process with his surviving parent and siblings. In situations where the surviving parent has great difficulty grieving the loss of his or her spouse and continuing to function as a parent, it's not unusual for the child to try to step in and care for the parent. This role reversal, of course, puts an undue and unfair burden on the child, while running the risk of stifling the child's ability to grieve the loss. In families with many siblings, the oldest child may also try to care for and parent the younger children in an attempt to lighten the load on the surviving parent. Integrating the grief as you mature The grief that accompanies the loss of a parent as a child (as opposed to such a loss as an adult) is made more complex by the fact that the child has to integrate this loss into his life as part of growing up and becoming an adult. As the child reaches different plateaus in his life and experiences the rites of passage that mark the transition from childhood to adulthood (such as graduations, communion, bar mitzvah, getting a driver's license, and proms), he does so without the parent. In the face of the parent's absence, more often than not, the event becomes another opportunity to revisit the grief and another challenge to integrate it into the child's life. The events that a child doesn't get to share with the lost parent don't stop with adulthood. As the child moves through adulthood, several salient events are opportunities to revisit the grief. Chief among them are marriage (especially for girls who've lost their dads and have to ask someone else to give them away during the ceremony) and the births of grandchildren. Reaching the age of your deceased parent Perhaps the most salient milestone for a person who's lost a parent as a child is reaching the same age that the parent was when she or he died. For many people who've experienced parental loss as a child, this birthday is the most poignant they've ever experienced. It often touches off a whole new round of longing for and reminiscing over the lost parent, but, more importantly, it also initiates intense soul-searching about the future. The introspection that accompanies reaching the age of the deceased parent seems to be particularly true for people who are the same gender as the parent who died. In this case, many report genuine surprise that they've lived as long as their deceased parents. Some report even doubting they'll live beyond the age at which the parent passed away and feeling apprehension over their own imminent death. Even when this fear isn't present, they still wonder about their futures and take the anniversary as an occasion for taking stock of their lives and questioning the direction of the next stage of their lives. If you lost a parent as a child and are now reaching the age at which he or she died, you may want to make this an exceptional birthday celebration in which you honor your deceased parent and his or her accomplishments alongside your own. You can use this special occasion to take stock of your life up to now and decide whether or not its direction needs some fine-tuning.

Article / Updated 03-26-2016

The grieving process is a unique experience for each individual person. You may see different models of mourning as presented by various grieving professionals. These models provide people with ways of viewing and understanding their grief, but are by no means applicable to every person or situation. The grieving process is different for everyone. If your situation doesn’t fit into a prescribed model, don’t worry. Everyone experiences loss in their own way. Here are the three fundamental tasks of grieving the loss of a loved one: Acknowledge the loss. Experience the grief that the loss produces. Incorporate the loss into the rest of your life.

Article / Updated 03-26-2016

Grieving is a difficult process in any situation. As someone suffering from the loss of a loved one, you may feel as though you are not handling the situation like you should or would like to. While people are generally well meaning, you will often get loads of advice about how you “should” handle your own grief. Just remember, you have a right to your own feelings. As someone grieving a profound loss, remember that you have the following rights when mourning your loved one: I have the right to grieve the death of my loved one. I have the right to grieve the death on my own time. I have the right to my feelings and upsurges of sorrow. I have the right to grieve even when others think I should be over it. I have the right to remember and talk about my lost loved one at any time. I have the right to demonstrate my feelings of grief in my own way. I have the right to repeat a stage of grieving as many times as I need to. I have the right to phase in and out of a particular stage of grieving as often as I need to. I have the right to attach my own meanings to the loss. I have the right to expect you to empathize with my grieving because some day you’ll be in my place.

Article / Updated 03-26-2016

Mourning the loss of a loved one is a very difficult and long process in the best of situations. And while each situation is unique to the griever, there are some typical reactions to loss. When you suffer the loss of a loved one, common responses include feeling. . . Sorrowful and inconsolable Hopeless and despondent Angry and frustrated Unable to focus and concentrate Fearful and withdrawn Remorseful and sorry Guilty and responsible Withdrawn and alienated Depressed and lethargic Impulsive and highly emotional Impassive and unemotional

Article / Updated 03-26-2016

Unfortunately, the loss of a loved one is something that everyone experiences. Despite this irrefutable fact, grief is something that is widely misunderstood and is often an uncomfortable situation. This is probably due to the fact that people generally don’t like to be reminded of their own mortality. Regardless of these unsavory emotions, it’s important to remember two fundamental facts about the grieving process. If you’re grieving the loss of a loved one, you need to remember these two things as you go through your grieving process: You’re not going crazy — losing a loved one just hurts that much! Your grief will end in time.